SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

[Former-Member]

Haha @Maggie. We have a life,  fragmented though it is,  but not tge one we'd hoped for perhaps 😏

How are you today? 

[Maggie]

@Former-Member I might have decoded the pic wrong. I've been decoding all my life, facial expression, words etc. I thought you were politely telling me not to talk here. Sorry. I'm going one step at a time here, a rough ride, but you certainly know all about that.

[Former-Member]

Well,  feeling strange tonight

- floaty

- resolved

- but heavy & sad 

Or is it just

- tired physical fatigue

- loneliness

- boredom

- grief 

Just feel alone

- numb

[Former-Member]

How are you today @Maggie ? I would never tell someone not to post here (as others have), unless there was abuse.  Are you still struggling? Blackdog reading into other things too much? Guess when its negative we have to try disregard it.  

I'm somewhat down,  lonely, fighting off some pretty powerful thoughts:

 (1.)

"Anyone who loses a child doesn't deserve to live" (that would be me) and that emotional pain hits the roof and i do want to 'end it'foe a moment

 (2)

"Nobody likes you on the forums either,  why do you bother,  they hate you and want you gone"

 (3)

"all your hard work helping your dad and reconnecting with lost family has been sabotaged and undermined by vindictive money driven siblings, you may as well give up, go back to the empty house your girl died in, they don't  love you,  they don't  want you here,  your dad just thinks your mum half the time anyway... "

I'm really struggling with all this,  the constanrly trying ro interpret the silence of family who treat me as dead already.  I don't  know what i'm doing wrong.  

Ans there's a cuz luncheon tomorrow,  setting me off i guess,  but theres x4 people going who dont return my calls and that bro2 who presumes the right to verbally abuse ppl.  And another who mocks my faith...  I don't wanna go but think i SHOULD but then maybe 'why do i put myself through that?...  They dont care about me or dad (who I'm expected to drag along for them), Bro2 has told everyone he cant wait 'till i "piss off back to qld"  and here i was hoping my presence here,  being closer and holding the fort for dad after mum died,  i thought we all might grow up a little and get along better. BUT - The distance is no longer the obstacle.  Maybe thats the problem - the distance was never the problem,  they just hate me. And that hurts so bad.  2.5 of them anyway.  The two with money and no Mental Health Hospital admissions.

I don't know,  i'd like someone to tell me not to go.  To be kind to myself and stay away from them. 

You know what they judge me most over - obesity, nervous breakdowns and my strong faith, oh,  and also - having lost a child doesnt help - anyone would think that that was contageous too.

 Nope,  me think being around them is 'not safe' All these years and they never bothered with me.  I have been scratching back ground with them in my life since being back in Sydney & vefore that (after my girl died i needed family), but i'm really very tired right now.  

Any thoughts on all this anybody?  s @Maggie @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51  @Dec @Appleblossom.

Just feeling a bit alone

Sorry the tagging isn't working properly.  

[Former-Member]

[Maggie]

@Former-Member I'd be the first to tell you not to go, but there will be a price whatever choice you make, you already know that.

Thanks for letting me know I'm welcome here, I have a huge rejection lifetime to wade through. I guess I'm a lot like all you say, I never get it right, never will never have. How could losing a child be your fault???? You did all you could.

These were the rings and more why I left my family behind. I lost the strength to cope and pretending it was ok wasn't working anymore for me. The brother I am in contact with is in qld. It's a superficial relationship, but it's all I have and the distance makes it easier. 

Regardless of all your family says, what you are doing for your dad is more than good enough, it's something I could never have.

[Faith-and-Hope]

My thought is that you shouldn’t go @Former-Member .....

Relationships are a two-way street.  You opened your Dad’s house for them and they didn’t come.  You don’t even have the need for a reciprocate visit, and they know where your Dad is if they want to come and visit him.

There will be a cost to not going, but I think it is just as high a cost if you do go, so why put yourself through it ?

Choose something better to do with your day, I say ..... and shake the dust off your shoes ....

Matt 10:14

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope. & @Maggie. really needed to hear that,  confirmation for what my gut is telling me.  "why go through it"  Dad and I don't need them & they could come here, i always want to see them, i actually get excited to see them - but underneath fearful of their behaviour. 

I'm not sure how they figured they'd extract dad from his home against his will without any planning... I came because their was a powerful need for someone to be here - long

before mum died. 

Thank you again 🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

Remember that verse @Former-Member.  I think you need it.  You have given enough in their direction, in my opinion .....

Take care of you.  You deserve some peace and happiness, and that is not what they bring you, and it’s not what they look to receive from you either ....

Not your fault, not your doing, but not your responsibility either.  

You tried, they didn’t .... put the burden down Hon .... step over it and carry on with things that bring you joy .... and that joy will attract other joy-bearers to you.

❤️

[Maggie]

@Former-Member