SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

[Former-Member]

Oh @Maggie, sounds like me. Washing out for days. Found a little spider in the las lot i left out, and bird poop so need to not do that here, so many trees here.
But being up & dressed before 9am Sunday - thats good
When you say you "left your family behind a long time ago" what did you mean? How? ❤

Thanks to u2 @Faith-and-Hope, youre having a valley experience atm too i see. Do take care ❤

I Missed chch today cause dads nutse was 1hr+ late. Long story & not her fault but bugz me. Been a bit grumpy lately but holding it in. Made an apt with Bereavement counsellor in 2wks- that will be interesting, she seems nice and will help me with some stuff with my girl i've not done before maybe. Had a few tears for mum lately.
Hoping to get away soon.

[Maggie]

@Former-Member My family find my MI a joke. They have always found me a joke. As I've moved twice in just over two years, I decided not to give them my contact details. One brother knows and we communicate by phone about three times a year. My choice. No regrets. I have had enough of their abuse.

Im struggling with words today, sorry about that. I hope I'm making sense.

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️ @Maggie ......

@Former-Member, thanks .... it rollercoasts..... can be one day up and the next day down ..... situational pressures, which is what you have got going on there too ......

Hugs 💐💕

[Former-Member]

Oh @Maggie, sorry you're 'claytons' family joke about your MI. Think i think i understand. Mine are much the same - see MI as 'attention seeking' / a choice. Either way - such views seem to serve them in terms of absolving them from 'DOING' anything / help. People can be so lazy and selfish, and prefer to take rather than give. We all do it from time to time, and some characters are bottomless pitts, leaving one feeling depleted, or inadequate, or sometimes we fear not have anything left for ourself...

I reckon we're all a little 'mad' at some level. But you describe ABUSE which is simply not workable. Happens here.  Once i get some legal footing with guardianship - i'll strengthen boundaries here - which always attracts abuse / temper tantrums from adult siblings. Recently Bro3&4 have been helping themselves to phone calls on dads landline and taking grocery bits they 'need' s on their way out the door. That 'sense of entitlement'

Its not just dad i'm dealing with being here. It sucks!

And the 'silent' sibs (subs lol) - family who stay away and ignore me, even dad. While hurtful at first - maybe its a blessing in desguise.  WHO NEEDS THEM ANYWAY! Bro2 recently sent an unprevoked tx that he can't wait till i "piss off back to qld" Yep - its abuse.

Dad's an unhealthy 84yo who just lost his wife and sister and can't live alone but wants to 'age in place' at home - not a nursing home. And with servicesI& me here - he can. I felt called to put 'my life' on hold to help his soul through this terrible time in his life. As my GP said - my brother should be THANKING me.

Oh no, here come the tears 😭

I'm guessing your childhood home was unfavourable too Maggie.  Sucks!I!! Its hard for people to leave those dynamics behind & relate to oneanother as adults, esp siblings. Grr! 

Sometimes i find myself thinking "I don't believe in families" Ha, Brothers, uncles, grandad (overstepping sexual boundaries), Mother Father (physical, emotional abuse), Sister (emotional abuse), Cousins - programmed to stay away, aunts - i'll stop there... i have one beautiful aunt who, though far away,  she has always been kind, my hope.

Family dynamics are facinating 😱😲😔

Alot of MI comes out of toxic families.

Guess i never really came to terms with the contempt / emotional abuse and hoped now we're all well and truly 'grownups' - maybe it might be different. Its not. Maybe moving away from them all, to the country, this last 3 decades has sealed my fate with them, forever. I don't have energy to 'suck up' but i'm here, geographically closer, for a short windowoin time, doing the hard yards for my / their dad (before my God)... What others do with that is on them, not me. 

I love that saying:
"Yes, you've had a hard life and made big mistabes but that has absolutely nothing to do with your future"

.i don't  blame you for "coming out from among them" and making straight your own path.  Life is short.  xox

[Faith-and-Hope]

Here and listening too @Former-Member, and love that saying ...... first time I have heard it ......

[Maggie]

@Former-Member Yes, you do deserve a pat on the back for what you are doing. No small ask. It shows the kind of person you are.

I tried with my family, I ran out of strength. I think they are caught up in their own survival rituals. The survival of the fittest, I wasn't fit enough. I wish them no harm, but refuse to continue to be harmed. Toxic families leave their scars, make or break.

The brother I am in contact with has a soft heart which he hides well. Once you get past the rough exterior he's just another suffering from the abuseive past.

I hope you find some time for you in you caring roll.💜💕💜

[Former-Member]

I'm glad you have a brother with a soft heart @Maggi i kinda have that too, in a fragmented conditional way.  

Really tired tonight.  Dull headache, backache, painful thighs (lipoedema), and just remembered to take my morning pills,  like 12hrs late, doh! Might add pain med in there,  help me sleep.  

Very lazy day - bit of sorting though. Trying to clear dads old office space / library just outside my bedroom (a walk through room) - really need somewhere to spread out the bookwork (bills,  services,  diaries... ). Much has to go to charity.  Poor mum,  she was a collector but most this stuff is stored away out of sight where she could never really appreciate it,  much less remember it.  So many pictures in cupboards too... 

One step closer to getting some kind of decent respite soon, hopefully to get away. Hope to know for sure by Friday so i have enough time to book flight. Would love to see my son and friends up north. 

Had a new friend visit here yesterday for cuppa.  I'm so lucky to have such a friend here.  She knows what I'm up against. And never criticises me, has more compassion for me than i have for myself.  I've never ever had that before (maybe a bit here on the forums), its empowering. .  Mostly feel not good enough by everyone. She makes me feel accepted... and at peace. Its nice,  but rare - shes very busy. 

Oh,  betta go take something for this headache.  

[Maggie]

@Former-Member Your friend sounds like a treasure. I hope respit works out for you and that you do some things for yourself, I know how hard that can be.

Yes my brother is a good man. He's an alcoholic, trying to cope with his pain. It's a matter of getting him with just enough drinks to hold a conversation, and not to many where nothing makes sense. I'm trying to convince him to come for a holiday, but I know it's a huge ask. I wouldn't be able to visit him, too much Unknown and unsafe in my head.

Good luck with the sorting. My mother was a horarder and sounds like what you are dealing with, she never saw her treasures, in boxes or hiding elsewhere. But I guess somewhere in her she had them, which made sense to her.

Im learning to talk around the new forum!!!!!!!

[Former-Member]

Doesn't  sound too healthy Maggie,  ever stop and say "this is not my life!?"
Families are so complicated

[Maggie]

I had to think about that @Former-Member. Got it. Not sure I ever had a life.