Lived Experience Forum

[genie]

I am not a great writer and am not sure why I am posting but I feel the need to tell my story even though I don't think it compares to some. Please humour me.
About 20 years ago I developed post natal depression, which went undiagnosed until things got so bad with my suicidal thoughts. I reached out to my GP who made the diagnosis and put me on medication. What a lifesaver that was. I felt great as the fog lifted. Problem was I never knew that the medication could send me manic. The new behaviour combined with the damage done previously in my relationship by the depression sounded the death nell of my marriage...not that I cared because I could do anything! Anyway not dwelling on the dark past I did survive and came back to a normal life, however I feel as if I have been doing penance to try and make up for all the sins of my past.
My life for the past 10 years has been dedicated to volunteering. It has given ne a sense of worth and value I could never get anywhere else. My big problem developed about 3 years ago when I was the first responder to a road crash call out. I arrived to find a young man about the same age as my daughter struggling to breath as his car had smashed into a tree. Well I held his head up so he could breathe and I tried to talk to him however he was unconscious and drawing his laboured breaths in. Further responders arrived and we rescued him out if the vehicle and transferred him to the care of the ambos. I felt relieved and exhausted. However my life changed forever about three hours later when I received a phone call that he had died. I never knew his name but in such a short time together I had given my all to save him and failed.
I still think of him and still come to tears. I have had nearly 2 years break from my volunteering and I miss the sense of value it gives me, however I am terrified I wouldn't survive another trauma. I am questioning whether the positive feelings I get from volunteering as a form of penance for my past can outweigh the new traumas I may encounter. I also wonder if my past predisposition to depression makes me more susceptible to PTSD. Anyway thanks for the outlet.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @genie I like your name and am glad you told your story even though it was sad.

One message to take from the experience could be that we cant control all things, even with our best efforts some things are outside of our control.

Volunteering is a good thing and can be in many different fields.  You are probably very sensitive to the PTSD and dealing with death is traumatic. If you dont want to do the same type of work .. maybe look for another organisation with values you like. 

[utopia]

Hi @genie. To me it sounds like you are suffering grief from this incident. Did you ever get counseling about the death of this young man? I think you needed it then. And you need it now.
Can you make an appointment to see your go for a referral to a psychologist - preferably one experienced in grief and ptsd.
I agree with @appkeblossiom. You may be mord susceptible to PTSD. I've learnt that about myself this year. Which is good - because now I can try and protect myself.
A diagnosis from a psychiatrist might be good. Unfortunately well meaning gp's can sometimes miss other signs and therefore prescribe the wrong medication.
Penance. Do you really see it as doing penance? I see it that you enjo6 enjoy helping others. It nurtures your kind soul.
I'd suggest volunteering in a safe environment fir the time being. Schools need help with kids reading programs. Nursing homes need friends for their residents. Charities need volunteers. Lots of different options.
Then, you and your psycholigist can work together to see if you can return safely to your old volunteer job.

[suzanne]

Hello @genie, welcome to the Forums.  It's a really touching story.  Having found something that was so valuable personally and for the community, it must have been so hard to have stepped away when it injured you.  And being such an important part of that young man's last few hours will inevitably leave a mark.  Very few of us experience that.  I hope his family knew of the care that had been taken and the powerful service you provided.

But back to now, I can see that it's hard to know what to do.  I think it's true to once psychologically affected in this way it makes you susceptible to further injuries.  It's not so much a personality thing but just the result of exposure. I consider myself to be pretty resilient but I know that I can't go back to trauma counselling as there's too much history there.  I am more easily triggered these days.  So I've found ways to do what I love that enable me to stay well. 

For you, are there less 'front line' volunteering options?  Ways to belong and assist that don't expose you to further trauma? 

[genie]

Thank you for your thoughts.

[genie]

Thank you Suzanne. I think I am just coming to realize my susceptability which is triggerring a complete rethink of who I am and what I want to do and also what I can do. The need to change seems like the only course but the logistics of changing just seems like such a big mountain to climb, especially at my age. Thanks again for your kind words, they are really appreciated.