Lived Experience Forum

[FrankyW84]

Hi @Corny,

Thanks so much for the nice comments it is really appreciated. This week I am back at work. My motivation is a bit so so. I am currently busy planning for my business unit and coming up with our plan for 2019.

Yes I definitely have noticed a shift in the emotions. I have had a few people say I seem a bit flat.... which I think is technically true. In addition to not having such extreme moods, I also do not feel I am experiencing the same level of emotions day to day, but I guess that is the price to pay and perhaps what many other people are like day to day.

I miss that motivation I get in a mixed or hypomanic state. While it isnt always pleasant, I previously would have been smashing out all this work... but at the same time feeling like I was a runaway train that could not stop. On the flip side though, I am not getting those feelings where I barely can get out of bed as well.

In terms of the acceptance, I get where your friend is coming from. I mostly accept it, but unfortunately there is a certain amount of embarrassment and shame, like I need to hide it. I have told some people but also really guarded.

Interesting about the work comment. I have previously told my employer I have had some struggles with mental health, but basically indicated depression, anxiety etc which they have been very supportive with. I feel bipolar may be a little "next level" for them to handle so have avoided going into those details at this stage.

Thanks again for your advice Corny. So appreciated. If there is anything you ever want to run by me, please let me know.

Kind Regards,

Franky.

[Upndownnupndown]

Although I don't have anything to add to this post, it is nice to see you put your story up and given that you have what I'm probably going to get diagnosed officially with soon, I really appreciate the comments that you made to my post.

I can relate to the questioning of your emotions and not knowing what is the Bipolar and where you begin. 

I hope that some answers come your way re the alcohol and med mix and whether it is impacting your diagnosis.

I know that if and when I drink or smoke weed which is even rarer that it definitely has an effect on my moods in the coming days even weeks with weed in particular.

Us bipolar people tend to be more sensitive to chems after the fact than those that don't have it.

Peace Franky x

[whatsinaname]

Hey @FrankyW84, I have also just received a diagnosis of bipolar 2 and I’m just about to start on medication. I’m also super busy and ‘hyper’functional, so I’m a bit worried about losing that energy, but also exhausted from rapid cycling. I’m about to start a new job in academia too, so I’m hoping I don’t lose too much cognitive sharpness. Although I have to say, after a lifetime of an undiagnosed condition my memory is already pretty shot! How is your medication journey going?

Kate

[FrankyW84]

Hi @whatsinaname,

Thanks so much for reaching out. So I have had to gradually increase my dose to reach optimal level and have only gotten there about a week ago. Overall I am really happy with how things are going. I have made the decision 3 weeks ago to cut out alcohol(at least for the next couple of months) to help manage my mood swings.

In terms of energy it is a bit up and down. I actually do not feel I have felt so content since I was a child. My energy is a little down, but I am still able to work my corporate job pretty weel and do what I need to do through the day quite easily. I have not noticed any memory problems with the medication either.

I am sure you have so many questions else going through your mind as well. It has probably taken me 6 weeks to accept the diagnosis. I have had everything go through my mind to "Am I going to put sectioned, Do my friends talk about how crazy I am now, to worrying about completely losing it etc. It also took a hit on my self esteem.

My point is, if there is anything big or small, do not be afraid to ask it of me or anyone else on these forums. There are amazing people here who can share so many experiences to help you on your journey with this.

Regards,

Franky

[FrankyW84]

Hi @Upndownnupndown,

Sorry for the late reply. So true on everything you said. I have been to several events recently and not drunk any alcohol. You are so right on the effect alcohol and other substances have on mood. I think I am quite drawn to them as a way of escape. What has been really pleasing is that I have had fun and really enjoyed myself without anything but soda water and coke zero! It reminded me I am actually a fun person and do not need to drink to be fun!

[Upndownnupndown]

@FrankyW84 hi Franky,

Sorry for the late reply as well...

I hope that life (and you) have been treating yourself well. It's funny, but I admit to having had a couple of drinks with some mates tonight and as always, I don't feel as good as when I'm not using substance to fit in within myself. It just complicates things.

I've just got my timetable for my studies for this year which has been exciting. I start in a month and can't wait. I've got my issues with mood and self-belief but will plug along anyway. It's all I can do. The alternative for me of just watching my life continue to pass me by a day at a time is worse than just acting as if I believe in myself completely and giving it all my best shot. Even this would be much better than what I've thought of myself in the past. Other than that I've been traveling pretty well lately. Walking and eating healthy.

How have you been going lately?

Peace✌

[FrankyW84]

Hi @Upndownnupndown,

I hope you had a good week? Mine was pretty busy a lot of challenges at work. I actually feel on that edge between normal and hypomania. I feel pretty active, fairly productive, fairly motivated, a little bit restless and a little bit excitable. My sleep is slightly less then normal, but averaging about 6- 6 1/2 hours a night. Its been a really busy week though with work, so maybe now the weekend is here I will "settle" a little.

Totally get having a few drinks... it is something I love to do, but like you it does have quite an effect for at least a day after.

Really excited for you about your studies. Cannot remember if you said what you are studying? The self belief is hard. Not to play therapist, but you are more capable then you think. You have taken the initiative to take that next step in your life and that is something to be commended. Keeping up your treatment, a healthy lifestyle and starting to achieve goals will help with your self esteem.

I hope you have a great long weekend and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards,

Franky

[Upndownnupndown]

Sorry for the late reply @FrankyW84,

You've eloquently described what I experience at times re my frame of mind, and some of the highs that I need to try and manage to stay focused and on top of things. It's great to read about others journey through being bipolar type 2. There isn't a lot of lived experience shared around being bipolar type 2. Most are moreso about being type 1.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had a challenging week at work. Sounds like you're kicking goals though and have a lot of understanding around how your bipolar works in your life which has taken me many years to start to work out.

I don't believe that I mentioned what I was going to study so I will now; a foundation studies course at a university in my city. It's a free course and I'm doing it to reboot my direction in life and hopefully my confidence. It's about time I studied as I'm 35. I've lacked confidence my whole life due to my upbringing but I've recently made the decision to remove my parents from my life for a while whilst they sort themselves out. They aren't happy together and it shows. They can also treat me poorly and I don't need their opinions of my capabilities.

They clearly don't know what they're talking about. I honestly feel like they are just replaying the roles that their parents played for them  as they get older. It's weird but more importantly, it's counterproductive. I'm sick of feeling like I need to live with clipped wings. My mother is the master at this.

On a good note, I saw a live performance last night by Prodigy which was amazing. I did it with one beer in me and had a ball. I'm really trying to keep my substance use to zero or an absolute minimum which is helping. Less is always more for me when it comes to me adding chemicals to the equation. 

Take care and we'll speak again Franky.

Peace ✌

P.s you're right, we are so much more capable than we think. I've worked this out in recent years hence why I'm going to study! 🎉

[FrankyW84]

Hi @Upndownnupndown,

First of prodigy! wow! I haven't heard that name in a long time... Hope you enjoyed it. Sounds like we are a similar age, I turn 35 in July this year so we must be pretty close.

Good on you with the studies though. I havent studied since I finished uni in 2006, but I would definitely need some help with getting back into it. It sounds like it is a great way to get back into the habit of studies and will put you in a better position to tackle another qualification should you choose too.

I am sorry about your relationship with your parents. It is a real shame that you have had to cut them out, but if that is what is best for you it is important you do look out for number 1. I hope though you are in a position where things/they chance and one day you can re-establish a relationship with them.

My mood has evened out a bit. I still feel slightly energetic, but was able to get about 7 1/2 hours sleep last night so the "spike" in mood was pretty mild and didn't lead to me partying really hard or doing anything like that(the self alcohol and self substance ban clearly helped with that!).

I also feel like I am a little unsure what  "normal" feels like. Over the last few months I have been either depressed or in a "mixed state". Not sure if you get mixed states, but it is like the energy of hympomania but the mood of depression so you feel extremely agitated and on edge all the time.To be fair when I hit my highs I generally do not doing anything to damaging. I tend to work really long hours at a fast pace and then if it is a weekend party too hard on whatever I can get my hands on and then usually crash down after that.

I know what you mean about the lack of bipolar 2 research. I like to fully understand something and have found it difficult. There is bits and pieces that help, but nothing in one spot that is concise. I really would like to meet someone for a chat one day who has been through this as well as I just feel that would really help.

On that though, being able to share my experiences with you has been extremely helpful. Although i have many people in my life who want to help and listen, sometimes I feel that they cannot 100% help unless they have had this condition/symptoms.

So thank you for "being there" for me and I hope our chats are providing as much value to me as they are to you.

Kind Regards,

Franky.

[whatsinaname]

Hey @FrankyW84 and @Upndownnupndown,

It's been nice seeing you two chat as I've been having the same problem with finding stories of lived experience with bipolar II (and I'm also 33). Mine is complicated with the addition of PTSD, which I find mostly plays out as meaning I'm more easily triggered into either a depressed or mixed state. I'm trying to manage this by being kind to myself and doing lots of yoga, but my default when I'm down is to throw myself into work and/or study, which is definitely an avoidant thing. Do either of you have trouble coping with your intense emotions? I'm actually looking into DBT as a potential way to start coping more proactively with these. 

Not sure about you, but I've basically always been diagnosed with depression, which I was quite comfortable with owning, but the new diagnosis has thrown me a bit, as I know there's a lot more stigma and a more "life-long" aspect to it that feels a bit more daunting. How do we cope with this shift in identify? My psych nurse tells me that my mental illness is only one aspect, and I shouldn't let it define me, and I agree in principle, but also at the moment it is influencing so much of my life how could it not change how I see myself?

Anyway, I'd love to know more about what works for other people in terms of staying in a sweet spot mood-wise. I know yoga and my cat help me a lot, but I also sometimes feel a bit stuck for what to do. Love to hear your ideas/experiences.

Kate