Lived Experience Forum

[Mummytotwo]

I joined this forum late last year and things have been on the decline since then with my life, just general day to day living and financial matters and just my existance in living.
I am a single mum of two (not by choice), one who lives with his father and I have my other child living with me. I often sit here thinking of my existance and how my life has become what it is today, I stayed in a very violent domestic marriage for close to 21 years and only stayed with my now ex husband for my kids .... as I didn't want them growing up like I did ... without a father in their life. I have so many mental issues from staying for so long that it gets me down on a daily basis and I often think "why bother staying around"?.
Why does life have to be so complicated and hurtfull?

[supernova]

Hi @Mummytotwo,

Thanks so much for your post.

It sounds like things have been very hard for quite some time and you’re feeling really exhausted. You’ve really tried to do the best by your kids, even if it meant that you’ve had to suffer a lot as a result.

A lot of our users here on the Forums have asked themselves “why bother staying around?” at one time or another. Sometimes life can wear us down to a point where we feel like we’re just existing but not really living. And while questions like “why bother staying around” are certainly not uncommon, they are usually a very reliable sign that it might be time to seek out some help. I’m wondering, are you accessing any professional support at the moment, say from a GP, psychologist, counsellor or psychiatrist?

Being a parent (let alone a single parent!) is never easy, and I’m sure that some of our members have had experiences very similar to yours and may perhaps have some ideas to share about how they’ve gotten through hard times like these. @utopia? @Former-Member? @Former-Member? Anyone else – feel free to pitch in!

If you need someone to talk to today @Mummytotwo, please remember that you can always contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) for support. You can also give us a call here at the SANE Help Centre as well on 1800 18 SANE (7263).

All the best,
supernova.

[Mummytotwo]

Hi supernova.

Thankyou for your reply.
I have seeked the help of a phsycologist last year but "thought" I could handle life and pretty much "do all of this" myself without seeking anyones professional help ... I guess I was wrong in making that decision. I am on medication that has been working up until last week when I decided to have all these "thoughts" in my head of how crap my life really is and all the wrong choices I have made in my life concerning myself, my kids, my financial welfare. I am pretty much on struggle street while my ex enjoys a great life travelling and having an expensive lifestyle .. I guess that makes me angry too, while my children and I try and find food to eat he enjoys the finer things in life.
I have sacrificed so much in my life for him and others that I have actually forgotten how to treat myself, all I know is I'm a failure as a mother, a woman and a human being and this is why I often question my life so much because I was told daily how much of a bad person I was, how much of a failure I was to my ex and everyone, and how my life without him would be a big mess without the financial support, friends and family, and that I would end up alone ... well he got all that right.
Its valentines day today, and my birthday this Thursday and I have never felt so alone in my life ever, even with one child living with me and one that lives with my ex. 😞.
I have reached out to beyond blue, and the suicide call back service to which all have been helpfull for that particular time.

[supernova]

Oh @Mummytotwo - it’s heartbreaking to hear you say those things about yourself. No one should ever have to feel like they are a failure, but unfortunately so many people do, and so many people suffer in this way, feeling as though they’ve let themselves and everyone down – you’re really not alone in that way! But to be honest, suffering is part and parcel with being human, so even though you’re in a dark place right now, remember that you are still an entirely acceptable expression of what it is to be human! You can never fail at that! Perhaps it’s true that you have forgotten how to treat yourself, how to care for yourself – I imagine it’s very easy to lose sight of yourself and your own self-worth after two decades of abuse - but that’s okay, it’s never too late to take that back and decide to care for yourself. After all, despite all the hard times you’ve been through, you are still here, and life hasn’t beaten you yet. 

Hope today gets better!

supernova.

[Mummytotwo]

Thankyou supernova, its so nice to hear someone tell me that I'm worthy of living and having an existance. I have fully lost sight of myself and your correct .. I wouldn't know how to treat myself for or to anything as I was always either "No" or had verbal abuse thrown at me if I ever wanted or needed anything.
I have tired to not be so harsh on myself for what I allowed myself to go through for 21 years, but after having that drummed into my head for so long its like I know nothing else in life.

[utopia]

Hi @Mummytotwo.
I really hear you. It's so hard being a single parent and struggling financially. I've been living that life too. And it's not easy and we do suffer a lot from negative thoughts.
Last year my thoughts became so bad that I had really strong suicidal thoughts. So I went to hospital. As I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to live how I was 'living'. Didn't want the pain and anger anymore.
While I was in hospital I did an exercise for myself. My biggest negative self talk was about what a ..... (insert any swear word here) terrible mum.
So on a sheet of paper I listed 5 thoughts about being a bad parent. I limited it to 5. Even though I could have written an essay.
On another piece of paper I wrote a heading -
I'm a good mum because:
I couldn't think of a single nice thing to write. So I decided to write down what my best friend would and has said about me as a mum.
eg: I make sure my son has chances to participate in sport and music
I go without so that he can have these opportunities.
I tell him I love him every night
I teach him right from wrong
my son is a caring person
I encourage my son to do the things he likes
etc etc
They don't have to be big things. It can be as simple as - I prepare meals for my child. I make sure his clothes are clean. My child has a great sense of humor etc.
Then - every single time I had negative self talk about my parenting - I would read my positive list in full. Sometimes 10 or 20 times a day.
It didn't matter that I didn't believe in these positive words - just that I kept reading them fully.
After a few days, I had less negative talk. After a week, I had almost no negative self talk & I was starting to believe what I wrote. I even added to my positive list.
What you are experiencing @Mothertotwo is very normal when you have been mentally injured and / or abused.
Our brains get used to being told awful negative things. So we need to retrain our brains. We do this by the exercise I just shared.
My psychologist and I worked like this with other issues too. But once I did it with my parenting - it became easier to do it with other negative thoughts.
It's a learning tool. It takes time. But by working through your negative thoughts - you can start to feel better.
I'd be lost if I did this on my own. I really needed my psychologist to push me when I thought - "it's all too hard". But I'm glad I have persevered.
Sorry for my long winded reply. I just found this technique worked so well for me - that I hope it works for others too.
But talk to your therapist - they may have other suggestions that you'll be comfortable with.
You are not alone in how you are feeling. But you can definitely start feeling better. And yes - you will find many reasons to keep going. Today - just keep going because we believe you deserve to. Soon, you will believe it too.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mummytotwo. I haven't been in a domestic violent relationship but a difficult one. Im a single mum to 4 and struggle with it a lot. Although mine are 22-16 now I still have loads of struggles both financially and with my mental health. I have 3 of mine living with me. Like you I went through a stage that I was angry that my ex walked away and is doing ok as it was his MI that caused the rapid decline in mine. If I see he is on holidays I feel ripped off because that's not a choice I'll probably have again.

As for what helps me, I think seeing a therapist for me is a given. I am up and down with it all but know I have to stay here for my kids. It took a long time but I don't look back at the past so much any more. I guess the other thing I've learned since being on the forum is that I have to try to have hope it won't always be like this. Some days are but some days aren't either and they're the days the sun shines enough to want more of them.

I'm not sure how long you've been on your own but eventually you get to be grateful for all the crappy things you no longer have to put up with. It's been three and a half years for me now. I have found the forum to be great company when I'm feeling lonely.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find some good support here. 💜🤗

[Mummytotwo]

Thankyou both for your replies, its nice to know that I'm not alone on here. I know in my heart I do my best to raise and support my son alone but it sometimes becomes that difficult that I go without eating, or looking after myself because I can't afford my medication that I need etc because of something that my son needs for school or for general day to day life.
And Utopia you are so right, my brain has become use to hearing all the negitive things about myself for 21 years ... and it feels like it is all it knows. I wanted to admitt myself to hospital 2 weeks ago as I was really bad and the suicide call back service, my doctor and my social worker all thought it would be a good idea if I did too, but I stopped myself from going to seek help from a hospital after I was told child services would get involved if I did and my biggest fear is having my son taken away from me and given to my abusive ex husband, hence why I seeked no professional help 2 weeks ago.
At Teej ... I have been on my own now since January 2015 when I was kicked out of my family home (that I purchased) that I shared with my ex and kids, I was given 3 weeks to pack up, find other accomodation to live, and move before my ex husband came back from overseas. I suffer from CPTSD, Agrophobia, C/Depression, and C/Anxiety. I live 10 mins away from where I use to live with my ex and kids .. I wanted to move further away but wasn't allowed by him as his threats to take my kids off me stopped me.
I certainly have realized what a hard lonely road this is to travel and I hope that someday it becomes easier after knowing there is help on this forum and people can be understanding toward mental health conditions.

[utopia]

@Mummytotwo. There is lits of suppirt and understanding - without judgment - on this forum. We have all felt something similar to you. Some more than others.
I understand that financial struggle. I've been there. Use services that are available to you - food banks, community centres, financial counsellinf, centrelunk assistance with school clithes books excursions etc.
There are organisations around that will fund activities for your son. for example - he might like to take swimming lessons or music lessons or join the local footy team organisations are out there - that will pay for his lessons, uniform and transport there.
I'm not sure what state you are in. I'm in Victoria. We have a network for chikdren whose parents have a mental illness. They run games and counseling and camps etc for the kids. And they know everything you can access for free and how to get it.
Maybe you coukd check with @NikNik or one of the moderators here. You can send them an email or give them a call & they should be able to direct you to services in your area.
You and your son should not be missing out on things - just because you have an MI.
Have a look around and see what's available. And your ex doesn't need to know.

[Mummytotwo]

Hi Utopia, I'm in Brisbane QLD. I have enquired to several organisations for help and assistance even looking at "big brother" programs for my son but all that I have enquired about can offer no assistance at all due to funding costs for myself or my son don't fit their criteria.
If someone from here could offer me some advice where to look etc (because I feel I have tried everywhere possible on Brisbane's Northside) that would be a great help.