Putting yourself out there

[BS9]

Hi, I am an incredibly shy person and have never taken steps to tell someone how much I care about them and hope for a relationship. Well that changed two weeks ago when I told the guy that I have been hanging out with now for over year that I cared about him a lot.... He politely said thank you and that he loves spending time with me but he's decided to not be in a relationship with anyone. Now, the thing is for this past year we have nearly loved in each other's pockets. We have spent so much time together that people around us have questioned whether or not we were together. I even thought he had feelings....but now I just feel like I was crazy. Some of you may say that I just need to walk away and you are probably right but I am grieving so much right now and I'm sure my friends are sick of me talking about it. I just wanted someone who thought like me, enjoyed the same things as me etc just saw me and willing to give it a go. Thanks for reading my rant. It's a bit hard right now.

[tyme]

Hey @BS9 ,

Firstly, thank you for reaching out. It takes a lot of courage to share what you've been experiencing at the moment.

I hear the pain and the loss you are experiencing, especially if you have put yourself out there and shown your vulnerabilities. Your emotions are valid. 

I wonder if it is more about what he is experiencing at the moment, and maybe he is not ready for commitment?

I hope you find space for self-compassion at this time.

[MJG017]

Hi @BS9, Welcome to the group.  I can completely understand about being incredibly shy so I know how difficult it must have been to be so open and honest with this guy.  And the response must have hurt a lot. 

He did he didnt want a relationship with anyone at the moment.  So it is more a rejection of relationships that it is of you.  Maybe he was just telling you what he thought would hurt you less, or maybe he just doesnt want a relationship at the moment.  It may be because hes had a bad experience, or just doesnt feel he's ready yet.

I dont think you need to walk away just yet.  But maybe now that he knows how you feel, maybe ask him why he feels they way he does and if he feels like there is a chance of a relationship developing in the future.

I understand how hard it must be right now, but you showed a lot of courage and vulnerabilty and you should be proud of that.  So take it easy on yourself and see if you can get some further clarity.  And if he can't provide that, then you can make a decision on what to do next.

[Spirit_Healer]

Hey @BS9 ,

@tyme and @MJG017 have already provided some wise advice. 

I am in a similar situation, and yet it is different - my partner of 11 months and I were going well until 3 weeks ago... or so I thought.

Have a read of my post Disclosing to a romantic partner to get a sense of where I'm at with him. 

I'll have a think about the points you raised and elaborate further when I have a bit more time and concentration. 

[Spirit_Healer]

Good morning,  , I hope you slept well.

My response follows on from the thread I linked in last post.

My situation may be a bit different to yours, but here goes:

My partner and I had been dating for 11 months. The climax of this was when he met my parents for the first sit-down meal. It was his first time meeting my Mum.

(He had met my Dad informally, while Dad was gardening in our front yard. Dad brought him around to the back of the house, and I hadn't put two and two together, and was trying to figure out who was speaking in my and Dad's second-dialect. Then a few moments it clicked in my mind that it was him! Butterflies galore at the moment of realisation for me.)

He also also met my brother, last time my brother visited us from abroad.

So, we met at the same restaurant where he met my brother the last time. I timed it for this time, when my brother was back, too. So my partner had three familiar faces and one new one.

After the meal, my family invited my partner over to our house (inside for the first time). (Backstory: my Mum is a hoarder, and it took her one week of leave from work to clean up just the front room to 'acceptable' standards for my partner to enter.) My partner took a 'raincheck'. As we were leaving, I hung back for a quick parting word with him. He quietly told me he was feeling 'nervous' and 'overwhelmed'. I assented that I understood and said goodbye to him. We both went to two separate cars in opposite directions in the carpark.

Five minutes later, my parents, brother and I got home. Dad realised that we still had the bag of fruit from our fruit tree out the back, ready to give to my partner. I called my partner and suggested he drive over to collect the fruit. He said "give me ten minutes".

It was a really long ten minutes. I was feeling overwhelmed and anxious myself.

My partner pulled up in the driveway. Dad and my brother went into the house to give us some privacy.

I handed the bag of fruit over to my partner, alerted him to a dance event I wanted to attend in two weeks’ time, and we made it a date.

The next evening, I felt myself going into mania.

From there, my mental health deteriorated rapidly.

All of the mental health issues I had been hiding from him came spilling out of my Pandora’s box.

I was feeling overwhelmed, and I think it was even worse for him, because I was the one in ‘control’, even though I wasn’t.

It’s been 3 weeks since the lunch and for two of those weeks, I haven’t heard so much as a ‘like’, ‘heart’ or response message from him.

I have been really worried about how we will end up.

The nurse looking after me has advised me not to think about him until I get out of there, at least.

So that’s my story.

@MJG017 @tyme @Oaktree @Shaz51 

[Spirit_Healer]

and @BS9 , like you, I have started grieving.

The most hurtful point for me was:

The dance event was last Saturday.

And on my Facebook News feed, there was a video posted to the Dance School Facebook page of the dance event.

And there he was, dancing with other women.

😞

@MJG017 @tyme 

[tyme]

How are you feeling about it @Spirit_Healer ?

I'm sorry ... you must be hurting.

[MJG017]

I'm sorry @Spirit_Healer.  It must have been such a shock to see that video, and so painful, especially as it was all seemingly going so well.  While i was surprised to hear you haven't heard from him at all in the past couple of weeks, the video seems to sadly suggest not all was as it seemed.   We're here with you if you need.

[Spirit_Healer]

Just to clarify, @MJG017 , it's street Latin dancing (salsa, bachata, merengue) plus this dance school also mixes in a bit of ballroom Latin and square dancing, too.

In social dancing, dancing with a partner of the opposite sex is normal, and doesn't mean much beyond the dance floor. So I was kind of okay with him doing that. 

It was more so that we had set it up as 'our date', and then he went 'behind my back' and turned up without me.

I had actually suggested Sunday church date in place of Saturday dance date about four days prior to the weekend. 

But that was after he had stopped messaging me, and I think he turned off notifications for my messages on the messaging platform, too. He even changed his name. 

So overall, some really bad signs.

@tyme @Oaktree @Shaz51 @PeppyPatti 

[tyme]

I'm sorry to hear this @Spirit_Healer , and I know it doesn't help your recovery.

In the past, has he seen you when you've been really struggling with your mental health? Or is this the first time?

I wonder if he just needs a bit of time?