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emrs1
New Contributor

Partner with depression

Hi,

I'm new to the site, and have never posted on anything like this before - I'm not sure if this is the right space - but i need help - 

My fiance and i have ben together for 5 years, and she has battled with self diagnosed anxiety/depression during this time (family history of depression) - she's the life of the party to everybody but behind closed doors she doesnt adapt well to change and has suffered traumatic events over the past few years and this has resulted in the past in her falling into very low times - during these times, she has always turned to me, she has always leaned on me and let me in and together we have come out the other side. This past year though she has completely blocked me out, to point that she broke up with me, she said she was too messed up in the head and thought i didn't love her anymore, that she felt worthless and she didn't make me happy. I didn't see this coming but i tried to be supportive, we have since reconciled - but our relationship is strained, we live together and we don't romantically see anyone else but that's where our 'relationship' feels like it begins and ends. She says she feels guily for how she treated me constantly and that she doesn't make me happy - that shes still messed up in the head and toxic. She made new friends while this was all happening and says she like spending all her time with them because then she doesnt have to think about what she is really feeling but when she is with me, i am just a constant reminder of her depression and how horrible she is. I try to be supportive, I try to reassure her i'm here for her and i'm not dwelling on the past but  I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore, this is the girl i thought i would be spending my life with, my best friend - and yet my pressence seems to just bring her down. She says she knows she needs to get help, but she doesnt do anything about it.. I know i can't fix her.. but i don't even know what to do to help her anymore? Do i leave her if i seem to be the cause of her pain? I know i'm not the cause of her depression, but i seem to be all she sees - and it kills me.

2 REPLIES 2

Re: Partner with depression

Hey there @emrs1, I am so sorry to hear how much distress your fiance is going through, and how this impacts you. I can imagine it feels so confusing and upsetting to navigate so it is great you have reached out here for some peer support. 

 

I'm the moderator on duty right now. I'm sure the forum members will start jumping in soon. Feel free to ask the SANE forum team or the members if you need help with how to use the forum. You might like to check out the Guidelines as they can be pretty useful in understanding how it all works.

 

Take care 🌻

Re: Partner with depression

@emrs1 I am new to this forum and I could really relate to your situation. I used to always be my husbands security and safe haven. He used to say I was the "best medicine ". Then, a few years ago, our life spun out of control and he changed. I felt like he hated me. ☹️ Life was angry and terrible.

Over the years I have always felt like you can't reason with mental illness. And sometimes our loved ones just don't want to talk about it anymore. That is when we need to be there for them and maybe just distract them from how they feel. With my hubby he just loves to get out of the house, go for a drive, go shopping or visit friends (Covid has been hard. Lol) With my husband, if I push him to talk when he doesn't want to, he will run. I sometimes make suggestions, if he is not inclined to listen, I never pressure him. Just change the subject and keep things light and happy. It has taken me a long time to work out what helps my hubby cope with life, and it's probably different for every person. Trial and error (lot's of errors). Love and forgiveness is the key.

Hope you are going ok 

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