Lived Experience Forum

[LadyleahRDBloom]

I need magic words. A genie. Some freaking courage. 

I need magic words because my family will not listen to me and when they do listen they misinterpret me almost every time or they change their minds. 

I need a genie because

wish one. 

Relocate. To where, Not telling, sorry guys. 

wish two

Get my family to understand me. I'm not family orientated. I loathe children. I don't have a career yet and I choose my mother over my father. I'm bi and a strict feminist who doesn't hate men, I just don't want one. I hate my father for hitting me and manipulating me and I do not want to forgive him because I do not want to be a door mat. I have seen what happens when you forgive people. I do not want to be a door mat. I'd rather refocus my hatred into determination and use it wisely rather then let it take over my life. 

Wish three

I had to edit wish 3 out because @Pebbles I'd love to discuss it broadly but other then the language I used I'm not really sure how to put it. Sorry hun. I guess as a replacement wish I'd choose to be living in london, new identity, working for the bbc.

Courage

I need courage to speak out against my father. I've told him I don't want his money after he dies. He said too bad because I'm getting it. I told him to give it to my nephews. He said "do what you want with it but you're going to end up a pauper if you do give it to them" He was meant the inheritence I got from my mother was small. I actually can manage quite well on this, I can rent for life and buy food, pay bills and even buy a small dog. I just can't buy and keep a house. That's something I don't want to do because I do not believe I can cope with a mortage unless I was a millionaire or maths and saving genius.

I guess I need pure, undiluted courage because he doesn't change, want to change, or back away no matter how many times I say "NO"

I need courage to tell my family I love "them" regardless of how I feel about my father but for myself I need to leave and be happy.

I need to say the "perfect" sentence because everything I say is misunderstood. I asked them to go to family counselling and they gave me a flat out "no"

My therapist has told me to just keep trying and listen to what they tell me. And I know I do not have to speak to my father unless I want to. 

Does anyone have similar experiances? I'd love to talk with you. Also, please understand. I am not full of "hate" I hate my father. I hate people who abuse others, animals included. Apart from my nephews, niece and a few children my friends have I strongly dislike children. That is all. Hatred is love upside down. It's very powerful and it can hurt you if you let it. . 

[Sahara]

Hi @LadyleahRDBloom,

sounds like you have a lot going on with your family. Just from what you have written, it sounds like it would be a great idea to move out or relocate. Are you at an age where you could actually do this? If so, I think it is worth a try, as you say your Father is physically abusive, which is not something you should have to tolerate.

Yes, I had a lot of trouble with my family when I was growing up and even as an adult, so I can relate to you. I advise anyone in the same situation to limit the time they spend with their family, so as to heal and gain independence. You will not be able to become your own person while still under the influence of a dysfunctional family. 

I'm glad that you have a therapist to talk to. .. That must be a big help. 

As for loathing children... I wonder why you mention that a few times? Does it bother you? The truth is that I don't like them either! I do attempt to like them, but I always fail. I think it's the responsibility associated with them that I can't stand. If they were able to look after themselves and didn't expect anything from me... then I think I could like them.

I am a little bit the same with pets, actually. I have one and I love her, but I wish I didn't have to spend time caring for her. It seems to take up time and it bores me. I sound a bit immature here! 

I am also a feminist, so I can relate to that , too. 

[utopia]

@ladyleaRDBloom
I also grew up with a not so nice father. But a caring mother (she just wasn't home enough).
I chose in my late teens/early adulthood - to spend as little time with my dad as I could. This helped me a lot. His views regarding women were disgusting and so outdated. I wonder if your dad is the same.
I'm also thinking about how many times you mentioned children - and am wondering if this is because your father or family keep expecting that you will have children one day? If you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. Women are not here just to raise children.
Is it possible for you to move out and rent yourself an apartment or flat somewhere? Get your own indepence. Or is your family hindering you moving out? Is this a cultural issue with your family?
To me you sound like a very strong woman. So I don't know if you really need that genie. I think you just have to make the decisions that are right for you, research what you want and go for it.
I wish you all the best

[LadyleahRDBloom]

@Sahara

Thank you for replying!!!

sounds like you have a lot going on with your family. Just from what you have written, it sounds like it would be a great idea to move out or relocate. Are you at an age where you could actually do this? If so, I think it is worth a try, as you say your Father is physically abusive, which is not something you should have to tolerate.

I'm in my mid 30s and have an eye condition that means I cannot drive. This makes my family extremely over protective and my father condescending. What bothers me is that I have agreed to allow them to put supports in place for me so that life can be easier. EG NDIS, voluntary work so I can train for retail work in a stress free enviroment, A new computer. They have done a lot for me but when I tell them I want to relocate back to my old home ... They used to be hostile and abusive. Now they say they accept I want to leave but they aren't happy and are not sure if they can help me relocate and don't know if leaving will make me happy. They're also concerned I'll change my mind when I get there. 

Sigh.

Perhaps I will change my mind but as we grow, we change. Leaving would make me estatic and if I were them and they were me. I wouldn't have been so freakishly clingy and overprotective. Sorry, but they feel clingy and I don't like clinginess. I get that from my mother. 

Yes, I had a lot of trouble with my family when I was growing up and even as an adult, so I can relate to you. I advise anyone in the same situation to limit the time they spend with their family, so as to heal and gain independence. You will not be able to become your own person while still under the influence of a dysfunctional family. 

This is what I've tried to explain to them, minus calling them dysfunctional. I get this as a response "Why can't you become the person you want to be here? Why don't you want to live near family?"

I'm glad that you have a therapist to talk to. .. That must be a big help. 

She has really helped me. She was the one who suggested family counselling. 

As for loathing children... I wonder why you mention that a few times? Does it bother you? The truth is that I don't like them either! I do attempt to like them, but I always fail. I think it's the responsibility associated with them that I can't stand. If they were able to look after themselves and didn't expect anything from me... then I think I could like them.

I think I dislike them A, they are so stressful. Shrieking, screaming and hitting B, my family are so "kids are great!" and rub it in my face. They do it a lot less but it's still there. C, children are too much of a responsability. I want a job, a flat and a cat and dog. I never want children I never did. I saw what having children did to my mother. I'm not letting that happen to me.

I am a little bit the same with pets, actually. I have one and I love her, but I wish I didn't have to spend time caring for her. It seems to take up time and it bores me. I sound a bit immature here! 

Lol, it's ok, hun 🙂

I am also a feminist, so I can relate to that , too. 

Lovely to meet another one. I'm looking for a group of women to help me with a blog about Ursula the sea witch in the little mermaid. Subject being was she a feminist or was she neutral and is Ariel a feminist for leaving everything at 16 for a man she doesn't know who only knows her for her voice? Not publishing names. Just want to see what people think.

[LadyleahRDBloom]

Hey @utopia

I also grew up with a not so nice father. But a caring mother (she just wasn't home enough).
I chose in my late teens/early adulthood - to spend as little time with my dad as I could. This helped me a lot. His views regarding women were disgusting and so outdated. I wonder if your dad is the same.

Dad has contradictory mannerisms. I can’t say he behaves like a classic misogynist I’m not a trained psychiatrist. What I can tell you is that He involves himself with independent women and tries to control them by manipulation, verbal abuse. With Mum it was interrupting my brothers and my schooling when we were on school of the air and throwing passive aggressive tantrums when she wanted to discuss something hence making her so upset they’d end up fighting in front of us. As much as I loved my mum, if she wanted to argue, she would argue wherever and whenever. Dad’s reaction to her confrontation was to go for a ride on his bike or a drive to look at the cows and sheep.

When I confronted him about his behaviour he did the exact opposite. He yelled at me to “shut up” he tried to push me out of a room. He threatened to punch me in the face. He was very hands on and very loud.

I'm also thinking about how many times you mentioned children - and am wondering if this is because your father or family keep expecting that you will have children one day?

I’m terrified of the idea of the responsablity of children and I do not have any maternal instinct at all. I’ve been told by family that children are “great” and for them, it’s ok. I’m glad they love their kids. I just don’t want them rubbed in my face. When I said I wanted to have my tubes tied they all went quiet and told me I’ll change my mind. I pointed out that with the issue of my eyesight, my anxiety, my need for privacy and preference for the company of animals it would be very unrealistic for me to have children.

“End of discussion” they said.

 If you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. Women are not here just to raise children.

Exactly!

Is it possible for you to move out and rent yourself an apartment or flat somewhere?

I am trying to get in the process of finding somewhere to live. The issues I face are. Getting a budget together that covers moving expenses, bond, making sure the flat is animal friendly and is within walking distance of where I need to go to ensure I’m not dependant on cabs all the time.

Get your own indepence. Or is your family hindering you moving out? Is this a cultural issue with your family?

It’s more of a clingy, we’re being over protective. Thing. You’re disabled and need to be looked after.

See. I’ve done so many things that they’ve asked me to do. I am willing to compromise even more so we can meet half way but if I’m being honest, is compromising more even worth it?  I’m not seeing many benefits. I do love them but I find this smothering intolerable and I miss my old town. Also I’m in my 30s, Not my dotage nor and I 13. I don’t want to take them to court. I’m not interested in doing that I also believe that will worsen our relationship rather then fix it. But I am seriously thinking of accessing a pro bono lawyer to help me with my rights.

To me you sound like a very strong woman. So I don't know if you really need that genie. I think you just have to make the decisions that are right for you, research what you want and go for it.
I wish you all the best

Hug!

Thank you! I wish the same for you too.

[Sahara]

Thanks for writing back @LadyleahRDBloom,

it sounds like you have already made up your mind about moving out... it seems like you are more than ready to go!

Not being able to drive is not the be-all and end-all of independence. I don't drive either! I am a rare breed. I got my licence when I was 24, but I never liked driving. I didn't feel confident behind the wheel and couldn't relax. I suppose this was partly due to suffering from anxiety. Anyway, I moved to the big city, started taking the bus all the time and ended up selling my car and never buying another one!

Now I walk and ride my bike everywhere, or else catch the bus. We live in the middle of no-where, so there are not many buses, but I get by. My husband drives and he loves it, so if we go places together, this is not a problem. 

As for not wanting children because they are stressful, I can totally relate. Yes, I find that they make to much noise, practically all the time and it gets on my nerves. Two of my closest friends suffered from post-natal depression, and that put me off, too. One of them, I believe is still depressed and her first child is now 17!! Wow, that is a long time to suffer over something that could have been prevented with contraception!

I sort of can see why people have children... but none of those reasons ever appealed to me. Just recently we had friends come to stay with us for 3 nights and they had their 4-year-old with them. After they left, I was ecstatic. I was just so happy to have peace and quiet again. 

I was astounded at how annoying a 4 year old could actually be. It was mind-boggling. I did try to like him and spend time with him and talk to him, but every single moment confirmed to me how much I don't like kids. 

[LadyleahRDBloom]

Sorry for taking so long. But I bit that bullett and I bit it freaking hard! 

In other words. I told them I needed and wanted to leave. I wasn't abandoning anyone. I needed to not live Mum's life for her and I didn't need or want their blessing. Just their realisation that I am capable living a life away from them.

So. After six months of retail training and getting rid of a whole heap of Mum's stuff. I'm going to start talking to real estate agents, people!