Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Exhausted1]

Hi all, I am new here and im simply exhausted. I have two sons, 18 & 23.

The 23 year old is a diagnosed BPD, has drug & alcohol issues, is a self harmer and wants everyone to feel as terrible as he does ( he admits this) Contant cutting, terrorising myself and his 18 year old brother, suicide attempts, multiple calls a day, smashing things and last fornight he had 3 ambulances trips to the hospital in one week due to either wanting to not live any longer or close to over dosing. He is manipulative, argumentative, a constant liar and very cunning.  I had to kick him out two years ago as he sent me to the edge and my other son was suicidal because of his behaviour. He was 21. I have PTSD from him. He says he loves me but there is no empathy for what he puts us through, he is narcassistic ( diagnosed) - he only cares about him. He may not live at home but he still is some what financially dependent and he is draining what little life I have left in me.

The 18 year old is diagnosed Bipolar II. He doesn't go to school and doesn't work. He is turning to marijuana, he is medicted and had had 2.5 years of weekly or fortnightly visits to a Pschologist. He is up and down still, refusing to look for work or do any courses. He is also manipulative but much better than his brother as he is funny and can be sweet. BUT lately he will not listen and just shuts me down. He rants a lot and his moods depcit the mood of the house.

I am a single mum and have been for the past 8 years. Their Father doesn't support them, emotionally or financially and hasn't since the divorce so I am on my own.

I work full time and Im going to have to get another job, casual, to work after hours and on weekends as I cannot make ends meet any longer.

I know they have mental health issues and I am as supportive as I can be but I am so sick of it. I feel used and abused. I feel that I am taken for granted and I am just burnt out. I cannot explain how exhausted i am from 8 years of this alone. How much can one take?

I have had issues recently with my eldest sons ex girlfriend, who also has severe mental health and drug and alcohol issues, in that she is texting and calling and threatening suicide etc. I have tried my best to help her but she is so nasty and vindictive that I have had to let go.  

I personally  had a normal loving upbrining, no drug or alcohol issues so this has been a huge learning curve for me. 8 years on and I am at the end of my tether. I dont want this life anymore. I love my boys but I dont like who they either are or are becoming. I am scared of my eldest son.  My youngest can be a lovely boy but so draining.

I want to run away but feel that I can't. I am drowning in responsibility and pain and neither of them care enough to try and help. That hurts.

[Former-Member]

Hi there @Exhausted1

Thank you for being brave and sharing your heartfelt story.

Undoubtedly you are strong considering everything you have already been through and still continue to go through.

First and foremost I hope you are safe. It mustn't be easy to feel in fear of your eldest son's actions so it is important that if you feel threatened you call '000'. 

I sincerlely hope that you receive the support you are looking for from this forum. There are a lot of wonderfully genuine members on here. 

Take care

Shel49

[soul]

Hi @Exhausted1 - welcome to the forum. Little wonder that you feel the way you do. We may not have the answers but we can offer some empathy and friendship. Is there something that you gives you some respite from what must be so draining for you? I hope that you are taking some time out to look after yourself. There is only so much stress and anxiety a person can handle and it seems like you have more than your fair share of it. 

[NikNik]

Welcome @Exhausted1

I'm really glad you found this community. Self care is so important... but as many here will atest to, it's so hard to do that when we are relied on so much.

Here is a good starting point on information about self care. I'm sure a lot of other members here can share their strategies too.

I just wanted to flag that in the Forums one of our guidelines is not disclosing specific methods of self harm, but you post seemed to have flown under the radar, so I thought I'd just flag it for next time. You can read our community guidelines here

Again - welcome - I hope you find this community helpful.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Exhausted1

I can relate to what you are going through as my daughter has been diagnosed with BPD and bi-polar, is addicted to drugs also. The drugs play a big role in their mental health deterioration.

Our daughter no longer smashes things, manipulates or violent because we don't tolerate it anymore (she was like your son at 16 - we took a AVO out against her and she has stayed in a refugee for awhile as we had to put her out). She did eventually come home stating she will keep the rules but she didn't and put us through hell for years. She then at 20 entered into a abusive relationship which ended in a suicide attempt. I am still getting over the psychological trauma but was there for her throughout.

Even though she is not acting out violently anymore she is still drug addicted, manipulative, occasionally verbally abusive, lazy (does nothing to help), a liar and is undergoing dangerous and sometimes illegal activities. So once again we have calmly asked her to leave, stating that we will be there for her when she cleans her act up. We have let her know we will always love her but can no longer live with her. We have done our best by her helping her every way we know how for years -  but she continues to make poor choices that have detrimental effects on her mental health and all in the household. We deserve a life too and our adult children need to learn that there are boundaries they cannot cross in life starting in the home. 

As hard as it is (I know the grief, the hurt and how soul destroying it all is) to find peace and a life for yourself you will need to put your foot down, make boundaries and consequences if they are crossed. If that means ringing the police then that is what we have to do. Mental illness or not abuse is never to be tolerated. And our children need to take responsibility for there actions and their health and stop abusing drugs and seek proper help. This self destructive behaviour will never seize while we enable them to do so. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to heal and better ourselves and lives. If your boys don't start helping or abiding by your rules they may need to find somewhere else to live. You have done all you can and deserve some peace and happiness.

I am not sure if your eldest son still lives with you but if not and he uses drugs - don't give him any money as that is manipulation. We calmly say to our daughter without arguing "sorry, we don't have it" or simply "no we can't" to her demands. It's hard but it will make them stand on their own two feet "as the adults they are" and hopefully down the track become better people. Giving into my daughter's demands in the past I learnt was making her more empowered helping her to turn into a monster. They are using and abusing us an it has to stop. Emotionally gruelling but if we don't the situation will just get worse and out of hand. Sometimes even end in tragedy.

 I really feel for you being in the same situation. If it goes on too long it can cost us our own mental and physical health. It comes to a time where tough love has to be enacted. Wishing you strength and eventually some peace and happiness that you are also entitled to. Hugs 

[Appleblossom]

One woman and 2 disturbed young men. 

Yes we can get PTSD in the family home. It is impossible not to be effected when there is so much distress and acting out.... even if we try and be careful about being over-reactive. I have struggled with a lot of the dilemnas you raise.

I feel conflicted about "liking" your post, because it is such a difficult situation. Maybe one day the site designers can provide more options in reacting to a post.

Take Care

Thinking about the space between the flowers ... and hope eventually your sons find good and decent individual life paths.

[Exhausted1]

Thank you to everyone for your support, youe empathy and kind words. It is a horrible battle in which many of us face and I needed to vent the other night because it all got on top of me, which it tends to do and it seems to do much more often of late. I am finding that I am not able to be as patient as i was years ago with this drama, I feel so burnt out and I'm start to feel resentful. I resent being the one to hold it all together, being that we are all adults now but I am the only one adulting. I know my sons haver mental health issues but I just want to run away. Just taking a few days away makes me cry that I have to go back to it. I often find myself sobbing in the car in the garage because I dont want to go inside and deal with it all again.

My sons have no empathy and the eldest says that 'its not that bad, there are others worse than me'.  My youngest is smarter and more cunning, he works me like dough. He knows when to cry because of how hard it is to have bipolar 2 and knows how soft I am and that I will crumble and try and do everything possible for him. I can be my own worst enemy and I know that. Its hard to change when it both of your kids (adults now) that are affected.

I am becoming more aware of my reactions and trying to set tougher boundaries. Its not easy when you are tired and alone to fight it all.

ps - my eldest has just gone into a rehab, he hates it but is still there.

[Exhausted1]

Thanks Over the Edge, it really is different getting advice from people that have 'walked in your shoes' so to say. I appreciated your advice and agree, I am trying to set tougher boundaries. I just feel so steam rolled at times and so darn exhausted that I have no resistance left.

I agree that it is soul destroying, I often feels so depleted. I did kick my eldest out and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do. Luckily I was quite numb at the time, I had a breakdown and this was good because I didn't soften like I normally would. I dont remember a lot from that time, it was traumatic but it was past needed. He is now ( very recently as a few weeks ago) in rehab due to having no where else to go and hates it but is still there. I am terrified that he will just be on my doorstep in the next few days as he will walk out. I have told him I will not take him in and I wont but I dont want to be tested as my heart would simply shatter at turning him away - especially in the cold.

I am hanging in there but Im scared because mental health likes this doesn't just magically go away. I get very depressed and it scares me when I acknowledge that this is for a lifetime - there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Only more darkness.

[Exhausted1]

Thank you for your kindness, I do try to look after myself these days, its the knowledge these mental health issues will never 'go away' that scares me.

[Exhausted1]

Thank you, you reply sat with me and yes, one woman, two disturbed young men -it's not a nice position to be in. I love them dearly but at times I don't like them at all.