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Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

Hi @Eden1919 


I'm so sorry it's taken us a while to get back to you. I was in the process of investigating to understand why your post was removed and why you did not receive an email. The removal of the post appears to have been an error on our part. Currently, we are moving to a new system of moderation and there have been some technical issues, so I am not sure if this is a contributing factor. 


Like @BeenThereDoneIt, I encourage you to email, if you would like more support around finding a balance between expressing yourself on the SANE Forums and staying within the SANE Forums Community Guidelines. 


Again, I am sorry for the delayed response whilst trying to understand what happened to your post.





Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

Hi there @BeenThereDoneIt 


I just want to assure you that the moderators of the Forums are not wanting to demean, insult or otherwise annoy you in any way. Please always feel free to address your concerns to the SANE team off the forum by email to


best wishes




Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

Well you did, so too bad for me. If I am even allowed to say that. 


I will apologise for my harshness but that doesn't change my opinion or attitude or how I have been impacted. Again, if I can even say that. 


I'm not inclined to use the email either. If I can say that. 




Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

Also, if I can say so, I don't find it accepting, a source of connection or supportive when I am not allowed to be honest and have to be ingenuine and phony for someone else, nor when my voice is silenced. Quite the contrary, those are extremely triggering and cause me to have emotional flashbacks. As always, I am not saying that is an excuse but in times like those I often go into a dissociative state and regress into immature reactivity towards people who contributed to it. That's what happened here and it is very awkward. I find situations/expectations like that difficult to navigate and without access to appropriate supports in my life, have not been able to find better and more functional ways to respond to the problem. For now, I can't post for myself any longer because the potential comments that support can be found/is out there and general positive responses only serve to demean my experience and act as a trigger. 


Again, not an excuse for my behaviour but for understanding's sake. Not that anyone will, but whatever. 


Goodbye for now. 


Re: My new-ish diagnosis.


I only saw this thread had been continued, now. 


I cant "understand" or "get" where you have been with the "out of home care" foster system, even though I had my own experiences, and have put a lot of effort trying to understand my brothers and sisters and father's experiences.  We can get a sense of some of the consequences of such early childhood disruptions, and or what you endured dealing with diagnoses growing up.


You certainly had more experience of systems growing up, than most people and it makes sense you would be wary of systems.  I took some sense of consolation from systems (eg education) being more reliable than people, but given what I experiec=nced that was setting the bar very low. 


Love your post about crickets.


I know that @Eden1919  and @The-red-centaur have put in personal and heartfelt posts. 


In early days of the forum, I often waited weeks for a very brief response or a "like" which has now been changed to "support".  Over time, responses grew, but it takes time.  Now occasionally I have an interaction in real time, but it is not typical. I dont think the forums are busy enough, with people who are comfortable posting, to get a lot of conversation or dialogue.


How to get a life worth living away from systems ... hmmmm ... wish they spoke of social deficits more than cognitive ones ...


you may be done with this forum ... you have to do whats right for you .... at one stage I felt invested in trying to build a sense of community here ... am more on the edges now ... as when there is a community ... those around outside it often feel exclusion ... even if it is not intentional ... kinda just seems a thing ... about people and social life ...


I am on forum early in wee hours ... cos a physio was ... deliberately putting the concept of  ... "God will provide" in our session ... when I tensed up ... she told me to relax ... which I did ... like a good girl ... but now I wake up feeling she is misusing my session and ndis funds ... and I am not sure it is a good idea ... cos ... yeah ... my family suffered a great deal with religious issues ... sex abuse etc


... so many many systems ... sigh


I am unique

you are unique

Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

I do have a lot of experience with a lot of systems, but it doesn't mean much to anyone besides myself when they are all heinous. In the end, it is far too much for my own good, although I wonder if it was ever meant to be good in the first place. Not that that means f all either really, because what things mean and what I get from them are always polar opposite. 


Wary? Maybe a good almost 2 decades ago. Today, no. More like completely and utterly disenfranchised and demoralised. Unforgiving and in contempt of, and that's all I can say about that without crossing the line. 


Life without systems, that'd be darn bliss, but I'm afraid it must only exist on another planet, and even too much bliss can ruin a life. Although, to be quite honest, a life at all in my case would be far more appropriate than this whole forced survival shitfest that I consider to be morally deplorable at best.


But that's my experience, so.... Ain't like I'm not used to being the minority amongst minorities. I'm used to a lot. 


The idea of getting a sense of consolation from systems is utterly foreign to me. You could have given me a pet demon that only served to eat me, and I would have gained more consolation from it in my experience. That's how it turned out, actually, my only true consolation has come from my demons and how much a part of me they became because I was developmentally vulnerable for them to. That's the only autobiography I have besides the actual trauma itself. 


Not sure if its right to say I'm glad you did get consolation from them, because its your life and your experience to speak to and about. I wasn't there to know the full story or context. 


There's one other thing you seem to be that I am not also, and that is pro-social and pro-society. Whatever works for you. Personally, I just hope that isn't part of my future. So I have no issue with the lack of community or of being part of one. As I've said, if I could leave humanity and live with absolutely no one in a place with no one other than absolute essential people, where no one gave a flying crap about my extreme introversion or demanded me to be a part of some collective just "because its human", I would. And gladly. 


Its human, whatever, it isn't me. I believe those of us like me deserve the right to be forgotten. I guess, to me, one cannot be pro-social and pro-society without being pro-system at least to some extent, because society is where the systems are. 


I have issues with relegion also. Major ones. I became a rebel in that regard because I'm a full blown atheist now. Physio, hmm, I hope otherwise it serves a beneficial purpose? I don't let anyone even barely look at me, yet alone touch me. 


Personally, I wish people spoke less about social and psychosocial things and more about functional ones.... But that's just me, because that's how I'm impacted most, although to be honest I also appreciate the cognitive and behavioural aspects and wish there were more services here to address them.... 


Heh, heh, heh...


Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

Sorry if that was too harsh or mean @Appleblossom, I just figured that because it wasn't asking for my own support, I would reply, considering you took the effort to bother responding to me even though I am too blunt and opinionated most of the time, and most people ignore me because of it (and they have every right to, especially knowing that I am not really bothered if they do because of my introversion and personality disorder)


Also I just want to provide an apology to all moderating staff for my inappropriate language and rude attitude earlier. I really need to grow the F up and stop being such a cold and defensive person who reacts like a child when communications don't go my way and are triggering to me. 






Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

No I did not find your comments directed at me personally harsh or mean. @BeenThereDoneIt I found them relevant and intelligent.  I am not into flowery language, though am becoming quite the gardener in real life.  Even there I prefer leaf and variety of habit to ... flowers per se ...


I probably always have a level of detachment about me, cos of state wardship etc ... also a bit sciency ... and very analytical.


I just took a day off forum which I need to do ... I can see why you think the way you do about systems. If I had not had children or younger siblings I may have been less proactive ...


I started using emoticons on this site ... with a heavy sense of irony ... so wont bother you with them ...




Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

I will probably also. In fact, my detachment is what got me my personality disorder diagnosis, or at least a large part of it. 

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