Skip to main content
Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Our stories

Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

Hi @Eden1919 

 

I'm so sorry it's taken us a while to get back to you. I was in the process of investigating to understand why your post was removed and why you did not receive an email. The removal of the post appears to have been an error on our part. Currently, we are moving to a new system of moderation and there have been some technical issues, so I am not sure if this is a contributing factor. 

 

Like @Former-Member, I encourage you to email team@saneforums.org, if you would like more support around finding a balance between expressing yourself on the SANE Forums and staying within the SANE Forums Community Guidelines. 

 

Again, I am sorry for the delayed response whilst trying to understand what happened to your post.

 

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

Hi there @Former-Member 

 

I just want to assure you that the moderators of the Forums are not wanting to demean, insult or otherwise annoy you in any way. Please always feel free to address your concerns to the SANE team off the forum by email to team@saneforums.org

 

best wishes

Whitehawk

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

Well you did, so too bad for me. If I am even allowed to say that. 

 

I will apologise for my harshness but that doesn't change my opinion or attitude or how I have been impacted. Again, if I can even say that. 

 

I'm not inclined to use the email either. If I can say that. 

 

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

Also, if I can say so, I don't find it accepting, a source of connection or supportive when I am not allowed to be honest and have to be ingenuine and phony for someone else, nor when my voice is silenced. Quite the contrary, those are extremely triggering and cause me to have emotional flashbacks. As always, I am not saying that is an excuse but in times like those I often go into a dissociative state and regress into immature reactivity towards people who contributed to it. That's what happened here and it is very awkward. I find situations/expectations like that difficult to navigate and without access to appropriate supports in my life, have not been able to find better and more functional ways to respond to the problem. For now, I can't post for myself any longer because the potential comments that support can be found/is out there and general positive responses only serve to demean my experience and act as a trigger. 

 

Again, not an excuse for my behaviour but for understanding's sake. Not that anyone will, but whatever. 

 

Goodbye for now. 

Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

@Former-Member 

I only saw this thread had been continued, now. 

 

I cant "understand" or "get" where you have been with the "out of home care" foster system, even though I had my own experiences, and have put a lot of effort trying to understand my brothers and sisters and father's experiences.  We can get a sense of some of the consequences of such early childhood disruptions, and or what you endured dealing with diagnoses growing up.

 

You certainly had more experience of systems growing up, than most people and it makes sense you would be wary of systems.  I took some sense of consolation from systems (eg education) being more reliable than people, but given what I experiec=nced that was setting the bar very low. 

 

Love your post about crickets.

 

I know that @Eden1919  and @The-red-centaur have put in personal and heartfelt posts. 

 

In early days of the forum, I often waited weeks for a very brief response or a "like" which has now been changed to "support".  Over time, responses grew, but it takes time.  Now occasionally I have an interaction in real time, but it is not typical. I dont think the forums are busy enough, with people who are comfortable posting, to get a lot of conversation or dialogue.

 

How to get a life worth living away from systems ... hmmmm ... wish they spoke of social deficits more than cognitive ones ...

 

you may be done with this forum ... you have to do whats right for you .... at one stage I felt invested in trying to build a sense of community here ... am more on the edges now ... as when there is a community ... those around outside it often feel exclusion ... even if it is not intentional ... kinda just seems a thing ... about people and social life ...

 

I am on forum early in wee hours ... cos a physio was ... deliberately putting the concept of  ... "God will provide" in our session ... when I tensed up ... she told me to relax ... which I did ... like a good girl ... but now I wake up feeling she is misusing my session and ndis funds ... and I am not sure it is a good idea ... cos ... yeah ... my family suffered a great deal with religious issues ... sex abuse etc

 

... so many many systems ... sigh

 

I am unique

you are unique

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

I do have a lot of experience with a lot of systems, but it doesn't mean much to anyone besides myself when they are all heinous. In the end, it is far too much for my own good, although I wonder if it was ever meant to be good in the first place. Not that that means f all either really, because what things mean and what I get from them are always polar opposite. 

 

Wary? Maybe a good almost 2 decades ago. Today, no. More like completely and utterly disenfranchised and demoralised. Unforgiving and in contempt of, and that's all I can say about that without crossing the line. 

 

Life without systems, that'd be darn bliss, but I'm afraid it must only exist on another planet, and even too much bliss can ruin a life. Although, to be quite honest, a life at all in my case would be far more appropriate than this whole forced survival shitfest that I consider to be morally deplorable at best.

 

But that's my experience, so.... Ain't like I'm not used to being the minority amongst minorities. I'm used to a lot. 

 

The idea of getting a sense of consolation from systems is utterly foreign to me. You could have given me a pet demon that only served to eat me, and I would have gained more consolation from it in my experience. That's how it turned out, actually, my only true consolation has come from my demons and how much a part of me they became because I was developmentally vulnerable for them to. That's the only autobiography I have besides the actual trauma itself. 

 

Not sure if its right to say I'm glad you did get consolation from them, because its your life and your experience to speak to and about. I wasn't there to know the full story or context. 

 

There's one other thing you seem to be that I am not also, and that is pro-social and pro-society. Whatever works for you. Personally, I just hope that isn't part of my future. So I have no issue with the lack of community or of being part of one. As I've said, if I could leave humanity and live with absolutely no one in a place with no one other than absolute essential people, where no one gave a flying crap about my extreme introversion or demanded me to be a part of some collective just "because its human", I would. And gladly. 

 

Its human, whatever, it isn't me. I believe those of us like me deserve the right to be forgotten. I guess, to me, one cannot be pro-social and pro-society without being pro-system at least to some extent, because society is where the systems are. 

 

I have issues with relegion also. Major ones. I became a rebel in that regard because I'm a full blown atheist now. Physio, hmm, I hope otherwise it serves a beneficial purpose? I don't let anyone even barely look at me, yet alone touch me. 

 

Personally, I wish people spoke less about social and psychosocial things and more about functional ones.... But that's just me, because that's how I'm impacted most, although to be honest I also appreciate the cognitive and behavioural aspects and wish there were more services here to address them.... 

 

Heh, heh, heh...

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

Sorry if that was too harsh or mean @Appleblossom, I just figured that because it wasn't asking for my own support, I would reply, considering you took the effort to bother responding to me even though I am too blunt and opinionated most of the time, and most people ignore me because of it (and they have every right to, especially knowing that I am not really bothered if they do because of my introversion and personality disorder)

 

Also I just want to provide an apology to all moderating staff for my inappropriate language and rude attitude earlier. I really need to grow the F up and stop being such a cold and defensive person who reacts like a child when communications don't go my way and are triggering to me. 

 

 

 

 

Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

No I did not find your comments directed at me personally harsh or mean. @Former-Member I found them relevant and intelligent.  I am not into flowery language, though am becoming quite the gardener in real life.  Even there I prefer leaf and variety of habit to ... flowers per se ...

 

I probably always have a level of detachment about me, cos of state wardship etc ... also a bit sciency ... and very analytical.

 

I just took a day off forum which I need to do ... I can see why you think the way you do about systems. If I had not had children or younger siblings I may have been less proactive ...

 

I started using emoticons on this site ... with a heavy sense of irony ... so wont bother you with them ...

 

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

I will probably also. In fact, my detachment is what got me my personality disorder diagnosis, or at least a large part of it. 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: My new-ish diagnosis.

So, honestly, I'm not up for creating a new thread and I understand that probably no one is going to respond to this, and too bad for me, because in some ways I earned that shoulder. But I'm writing anyways, I will do my best to remain within the guidelines, even though I disagree with some of them, but I can't promise that I will succeed or that I am glad to do so. 

 

I don't expect anything from anyone, I learned to stop doing that a very long time ago. Not support, not understanding, nothing, because I am beyond them and it isn't fair to expect them because of it, nor do I need them because I am more than capable of providing them to myself, even if it isn't in a very functional way. And frankly, I'm not inclined to trust them when they come from anyone else. 

 

Yesterday I had a phone appointment with my GP, and it was horrible to say the least. Mind you, the more I have aged and become more of me instead of just a child abuse victim, the more useless, repetitive and strained they have become. That is nothing against her, she is a great health professional and is taking on far more than a GP should on their own. 

 

I know I am not allowed to make any marks of criticism here, which as I've always said, makes it very difficult to remain authentic and is something I resent. If I can, I will say that is a mark of how the local mental health and disability sectors are, particularly their lack of resources. I understand they both help people, however, I am not talking about other people, I am talking about me, my life and my experience. And I'm clearly not one of those people. I would appreciate it if I was not told that I could be, because I have done absolutely nothing but everything I can to achieve that result, and it deserves acknowledgement, not a shrug off. 

 

I know here is highly regarded as a place of acceptance, support and connection for most, and again, I won't deny that regardless of it not being applicable to me. Please know I mean no offense or criticism by stating that, just speaking my truth, and there is no need for anyone to be concerned about it. It is just what it is, and whether or not it bothers me is no one else's problem but my own. I am asking in as polite a manner I can ask that no one takes on responsibility for it. 

 

It is mine and that ownership and accountability is of very high importance to me. But to the point, the GP appointment. 

 

She still wants me to return to the NDIS and join the psychosocial program for people with severe and complex mental illness here in my area. Because I am not free to make even minor criticism, I cannot provide details as to why I disagree with that on every possible level that can be disagreed upon. 

 

There is also other detailed info I cannot provide regarding why I am against trying with the NDIS again, so I will not, hoping that doesn't mean this is too vague to comprehend. 

 

From an ethical standpoint, I understand why she keeps doing that and how difficult it must be to have nothing else to offer. Without being critical, I don't have much care or respect for duty of care, however, and that does not change the fact I am beyond tired of hearing about them and not being listened to when I say as much. 

 

She thinks that the NDIS is worth another go if I try self-management. I disagree and cannot say why here. Seems like walking on eggshells, but oh well. Rules are rules. 

 

We spoke generally about my profound deficits in the area of ADLs. That is the largest part of complex mental health for me, to the point it is often more impactful than my illnesses themselves. Without being critical, that is one of my gripes towards the mental health and disability sectors, there has never been anywhere near enough functional and independent living/independence building support, if there is any at all. Again, just my experience. 

 

Again, just in my experience, every professional I have seen, including my GP, thinks my illnesses are more important and that clinical management only involves the specific mental symptoms, functional is secondary and nowhere near as important. I understand that method works for a lot of people, i.e clinical treatment like medication and therapy allows people to function otherwise. But again, I ain't one of them. 

 

Nor does that take into account the irony of how there is no clinical treatment available here for my illnesses anyways. There is that psychosocial program, and it wouldn't exist if it didn't help people, but I'm not someone who is helped by social activities or groups, quite the opposite, they make my illnesses worse and make me even less interested in seeking help. 

 

My GP has never been able to grasp that. Which is quite tiresome, because it means she keeps encouraging me to reach out to them with no regard of the impact they have. Because its her job, and that's the treatment people with my severity of illness are "supposed" to do. 

 

Furthermore, we discussed the negative impact that forced dependence on the state has on me and my day to day life. That is another thing she is rather incapable of grasping. To her, "social safety nets" are exactly that, safety and security. Always a good thing. I find that extremely ignorant and demeaning. 

 

I have told her as much, but she doesn't seem to actually listen. This appt it extended to the point of her going off on a tangent about Maslow's heirarchy of needs and how all shelter is great because it meets one of our most primal, basic physiological needs. 

 

Which I understand but I disagree with, and even if I didn't, that isn't how my individual needs work. Being told to be grateful for forcible dependence is not something I appreciate, nor is being expected to appreciate a place I didn't even choose to live in, where I am only in because the foster care system decided it was far easier to put me on the list for public housing than it would have been to actually provide services for me to be able to independently rent and function as a typical adult. And because they didn't believe I was worth that effort, because I would never be able to do that in their eyes. 

 

My GP doesn't see that, and I can't expect her to because it is really something you need the experience to understand. But I still wish she did. 

 

Trigger Warning, do not read further if you are not in a good place. 

 

She asked me honestly what it is like to be me, and I said it is like being on death row, but at least with death row there is an end to it and a foreseeable future. 

 

I paused for a while and she said and what else, knowing that is what I do when I tune out and go into my head instead of engaging with the "real world", especially as a defensive tactic for when I have something to say that others have treated me poorly for in the past. 

 

I said well you know I have written a death sentence for myself. You know more than that, actually. And that I won't provide details because I'm not interested in being treated like a criminal. You know the only reason I am so called alive is because just attempting isn't the result I am looking for, and therefore is just as worthless as everything else. 

 

You know I know that in this world and society I cannot fulfill what is morally righteous to me or what my personality leads me to. You know I do that regardless of how much harm it causes, because to everyone else it is better for me. 

 

You know that I know that isn't the only way to meet my needs, just that the other isn't possible for reasons beyond my control, and you know that I prefer the death sentence in the existence and circumstances I am forced to endure, even though overall the other one is far more preferrable in the end, if only it were attainable and not beyond me. 

 

You know I believe this existence is meaningless, pointless and worthless because of that, and that this is why the death sentence exists and why I believe in its moral righteousness. 

 

She said she does. 

 

I said but you don't know I would gladly trade my place with my abusers, knowing they wouldn't have half the willpower and forced strength I have, and that I would do so gladly, knowing they would all die, because that's just how shit is. 

 

Because they've always been above the law, had it easy and been provided far too much mercy, when it is justice that should have been served. 

 

I'd not do it for me, for my time ended long ago, my chances ended with them and so did opportunity. I'll never be one of the survivors that recovers and moves on, regardless of what rainbows, sunshine and unicorns are preached and shoved in my face. 

 

I'd not do it because seeing them die would mean the impact of them would die with them, because that's not how child abuse works. 

 

But for them, I would, because they deserve those things I never had because by the time I escaped and got diagnosed, it was too little and too late. They may have destroyed me and my life, but that doesn't mean other kids should have to suffer too. 

 

For me, justice will never be served, but they deserve what I never got. They deserve a life. 

 

So let's just say, if push came to shove, the time they get dosed with unwarranted mercy should end, and I'd not shed a damn tear for any of them when they meet their fate. 

 

I'd walk away with a smirk and say "and that is how justice is served to a monster like you". Not what happened really, which no one, not a single person I have met since, believes. For them, what really happened is too hard to believe. And that's just too bad for me. But I soldier on, because I ain't got the liberty to rest and take a break. That's a freedom I've never known. The truth is the truth to me, no matter how ugly or f'd up.

 

And finally, I'd put my false responsibility, guilt and shame for their actions behind me, give them the same cold shoulder and disregard I have always been given, turn my back on them just like every person I've met has done to me, give them the finger and be glad they will never go near another child again. 

 

She was very shocked by that. She thought I was some innocent fluffy thing. Fragile. Above revenge and most definitely not the type of person to gladly watch anyone take my place. 

 

I said, well, I'm not. And they aren't anyone. 

 

She asked why I don't express that more openly. I said because they aren't worth the energy, and its my problem. 

 

 

 

 

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

Further information:

  • Loading...

For urgent assistance