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Krishna
Senior Contributor

Living with absence

Hey @Sophia1 Just checking in on you as in my thoughts 🙏❤️

29 REPLIES 29

Re: Living with absence

Thank you nice to find

will write tomorrow at some stage

hope that your headache has gone 🙏

Re: Living with absence

Hello @Krishna 

Have just spent 15 minutes trying to work out where the rest of the thread is...in between real life happening in the real world stuff...

 

I can see that you have started a new thread was that for any particular reason?

Do you think it best to leave Elac to have some space perhaps...?

 

I found damage in my garden shed which I had not checked...possibly the same night that you had damage to your irises..shelf broken pots fallen off on ground and plants dislodged..was surprised at how upset I was..

I then realised I have been working in there for over a year transplanting...taking some out to plant in garden..others in large pots...Bringing more in...

I love it in there and I know it calms me...I can self isolate outside...

Husband found me distressed and reassured me all will be sorted...

following day changed things around...not as nice but is what it is..

 

 

I have also had to stake quite a few cottage garden type flowers..

lots of stakes everywhere..

 

I cut some flowers yesterday during the heavy rain..coming in quite wet .... filled three separate vases all different sizes...with different cuttings that I had grown from seedlings...

I felt so proud and talked about them with younger son at dinner..

Of course he has zilch interest in flowers and response something like "oh".....

I feel the same way about computer games....."oh"

 

How is your headache..hopefully no longer with you after all of this time..

Do you suffer from tension headaches...I know them only too well when feeling stressed or high anxiety levels..

 

It is a strange world that we live in...

People feeling isolated and lonely ...even when living with others..

having similar interests even situations...

would be wonderful to spend time together..

 

this is how we get to..

 

Take care

Write when you can

 

love hearing from you

hugs my friend

Sophia

some sunshine for you💛

 

 

 

 

Re: Living with absence

Hi @Sophia1 Don't know how I started a new thread hahaha. Feeling a little discombobulated. Love that word. Just in from the garden myself after repotting tomato seedlings. Glad you got your garden shed reorganised. Mine is my sanctuary as well with all my bits and bobs for the garden. Yes tension headaches are a constant for me, usually wake up with them and generally last a few days. Nothing seems to help pills wise and I just have to plod along until they dissipate. Years of migraines as well but they have become a thing of the past now being post menopausal. Awoke so anxious these past few days and the drive to town for grocery shop always sends my heart a flutter and relieved when I finally get home. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is no fun. Spent most of the weekend on the lounge off and on which I always beat myself up about but have just felt so tired these past couple of weeks. I too have cases of flowers throughout the house. Iris, Waratah, hippiastrums and Clivias. Makes my heart sing a little. I have a zoom meeting on Thursday regarding a possible support group I can join. A two hour return trip of an evening if I do join which is a bit of a hinderance but closest one to where I live. So will have the meeting and see how it goes. Well my friend, time to bring in the washing and splash a little water about the garden as has been a very warm windy day. Wishes for a lovely arvo and evening and talk soon xx

Re: Living with absence

Hello @Krishna 

 

I thought that I had already replied to you..

checked back and no nothing..

 

I will start with the word "discombobulated" which I am about to look up and check that it is in the Cambridge and Oxford dictionary..

 

Will find out what it means first...

Then respond..

 

Just a thought with tension headaches..what helps me are gel packs that you can buy from chemist..

can be kept in fridge for cold initially where needed..

soak in boiled water for 10 minutes or whatever instructions indicate..

wrap in small hand towel and rest against tightness area in upper back or neck...

works like a dream for me..

 

will write to you tomorrow if can about rest of your letter.

 

late now.

hopefully you are rested and sleeping..

I hope for the same soon

 

goodnight Krishna

speak soon xx

Re: Living with absence

Good morning @Krishna 

 

I think that your body is responding still to the shock of receiving a message from your daughter..

at first the message coming across as caring...

followed by the all too familiar request for money that many carers experience..

It has been some time where you have been caringly sending her packages...not hearing back...no thank you received in return..

This might not be lack of caring from her..It might be how her mind works..

She might only see you as when she was a young girl and you  were her mum providing for her..

Mums provide essentials at those times..

Might not..

I know that my son sees me in different lights depending on how he is in himself at the time

 

This very subject came up  at the last carer's lunch I went to.

Parents with two sons with bipolar on medication...living independently yet at the same time still dependent on parents for support. Parents handle their money hence as in disability pensions...receive calls constantly for money..

 

I am not sure if that is a good set up for my circumstance and at this late stage in his life I cannot see him agreeing..

I did set up a separate account for money to be transferred across each fortnight when disability pension paid..This new account was to be a savings account for special times...

A way of learning to save for more costly items wanted rather than asking for help because money spent without budgeting..

 

It did not work as he just kept on transferring the money back into pension account..

This was about ten years ago.

He has no concept of saving..

 

He rang last night ....fully delusional with urgency in voice and fear of what might come of us, his family..

I was told off a few times...then requested to promise not to say again or do again...which I promised..

I listened for over an hour...offering brief words of support when hearing horrible stuff..

Without any sign he was suddenly other side of delusion and asking for money..

I said no...Then bartering started..I stuck to my same reply...

I give sometimes for food...Not every time.

 

Not always asking for money...sometimes needing someone to listen to him...He does not have anyone else who listens in his world.

That was yesterday...One day at a time..

 

So  stick  with no when say no..

 

It is hard..

Your not hearing for so long I remember that time and did send money for food.

Balancing act..

 

Setting boundaries and self care are good.

The tension and headaches still come..

You are aware of that as you rested..

 

Is the new 2 hour round trip support group Carers? or another organisation?

 

I have found zilch in relation to schizophrenia support groups other than for the people with the experience not the carers.

I think that most carers in this situation are worn out ...also aware of stigmatism..

 

You must tell me what plants you have in your garden that bring you the most joy.

I brought inside more cut flowers that had blown over in very strong winds..

I now have 6 vases of varying sizes.

I am not good at flower arranging ...that does not worry me.

I like the natural..less arranged look anyway..

 

Let me know how your support groups.

Hope that you have a better day today.

 

Speak soon

hugs to you

Sophia sending you some sun 💛

 

Re: Living with absence

Hey @Sophia1  Oh those phone calls are exhausting. I remember them well and strangely enough would welcome one just to hear her voice. A Public Guardian was appointed earlier this year to manage her life and finances, otherwise I'd probably hear from her more often. It was a hard decision to make but as she was not communicating with me, left no alternative. Her DSP had accumulated quite a lot during her hospital stay so needed to be managed and not simply spent. The support group I am considering is run by Mission Australia and I have also just contacted Carers and have some phone counselling sessions booked starting next week. Have spent the morning organising that and getting veggie patch ready for planting. Feeling so very alone in all this at present with little or no support from other family members, not fully understanding the grief of this situation and perhaps they simply don't know what to say but their silence is deafening. I so appreciate the connection we have made Sophia, our chats give me something to look forward too. Some more Iris presented their beautiful faces to the garden today and more garlic starting to flower so have pulled and will store in the cool under the house. I always grow enough to see us through the year. Love garlic. A few things also need repotting which I'll attend to this afternoon. Such a glorious day to be outside but time it feels for a wee nap just to lay down and rest awhile. I hope you're managing emotionally after the conversation with your son last night? We can only do so much can't we? Now that lockdown has been lifted here, I think I'll take myself for a drive to the ocean tomorrow. We have a beautiful calm waters beach about an hour away. Always very quiet and one of my favourite things to do is simply float in the water. Invigorating and relaxing at the same time and helps wash my worries away. Christmas upon us soon which plays havoc with my heart each year as it's been a long long time since we have spent it as a family. My husband and I usually just take ourselves to the beach I've just mentioned with a picnic. My son is in a different state but maybe this year we can meet up. Fingers crossed. Anyways my friend, thanks for the message and hope your afternoon and evening are peace filled. 🙏❤️🌻

Re: Living with absence

Hello @Krishna 

 

Lovely to hear back from you...

 

Everything that you said about the call shows me that you have experienced the same..

so utterly draining...

I am a very good listener and I get worn out..

 

I don't sleep well even though I take prn...my mind will not settle....

That is why when I am asleep my husband does not wake me unless I have an appointment which I would set my alarm for   ....several alarms actually..

When I do  get some sleep I often feel worse the next day because the body has a sleep debt and is begging me for more sleep..

You mentioned GAD ...My diagnosis has always been major anxiety...clinical depression...then chronic trauma as a result of several..

 

I do not find diagnoses helpful...labels...for me I am me.. with good and bad days...

I tend to tell myself when I can feel the anxiety gripping me or the depression (another word that I am in the process of changing ) is lurking.....today I am feeling this...

 

My birth family want nothing to do with my son or my supporting him...I have been punished from speaking out and am now forbidden to visit my mum or talk to her on the phone where she resides at a nursing home at the age of 95..

I have independently liaised with the Clinical Director where after several meetings with Manager of nursing home and other relevant managers a discussion was had with my mum and sister...checking really that my mum does not want to see me...or speak to me on the phone...I think that even they are astounded after speaking to me..

This changes occasionally when sister in need of support then I receive a call and suddenly find I am included in a call with mum with photos...

 

I too am alone with all of this and have to say this has been the hardest part for me to understand..

Such an insurmountable journey...no pre-warning...just purely survive each day which is so very hard..

nobody has answers...you have to do all of the research on your own...hours and hours and hours..

Psychiatric hospitals in different states are astounded that I have phoned and spoken to them...leaving my details should he arrive..

Of course he did eventually in some..

I have done so much research.

My boy was homeless on and off for a very long time...not good experiences...assaulted and robbed..

 

Other states seem to be far more advanced..

Living rurally or in the rural hills which is my situation puts us out of the spectrum...

I hope that you find some help through Carers and Mission Australia...

 

I have met the most beautiful people who are carers  themselves..

We all want the same social get togethers...outings...retreats mainly...

most of us are willing to subsidise...

no the government has not provided for that...

 

Carers organisation runs counselling which is excellent in this state as well as telephone counselling for six sessionns..

 

I hope that I have not further influenced your weariness..

It is a very heavy load that we carry as carers from all ages and all situations...

 

the government needs to become more accountable as I as well as so many are unpaid carers...

we are saving the government so much money yet we seem to be invisible to them..

 

enough of that rant...

I spent 5 hours in the garden today and only came in because a strong wind blew through bringing a cold change ahead of tomorrow's weather..

Maintenance...as you would know...replanting...weeding oh yes...

husband still busy doing paving in different areas so no raised gardens for vegetables on the horizon yet...

will have a paved pathway to push bins down and paved areas to stand them in on the verge...

 

Once the garden is completely finished?? Oh yes

We plan to also plant out the verge environmentally...

My garden and my carers friends...I have formed a group which has dwindled but there are 5 of us who come what may will make every effort to meet once every two months...covid has changed of course...each taking our own turn to choose where...we just love each others company....we are all quietly spoken...listen and do not shout or talk over each other...so everyone enjoys themselves tenfold..

 

If you were nearby we would love to meet you in the real world..

Take care my dear friend Krishna

Sophia 💚 greenery representing nature and garden..what joy it brings...

Re: Living with absence

Gosh @Sophia1 our situations are so similar regarding our kids. My girl too was homeless off and on for many years also harassed and assaulted. Traversing, hitchhiking the east coast up and down. Sleeping rough, food from skips, refusing to just come home. Admitted to hospitals north and south in states of psychosis. Burnt many bridges along the way and now not many friends left for her to turn to. My anxiety meds help me sleep but still awake feeling I need more but tend to push myself to get up and out of bed, that and my aching hips and back hahaha from garden work. So today is a new day and looking forward to this meeting this afternoon. Will let you know how it pans out. Meeting with like situation people sounds lovely and the added bonus of those meetings being calm and supportive sounds wonderful. I'm not very good with loud boisterous gatherings. Peace please. Have a lovely day xx

Re: Living with absence

Hey @Sophia1  Well I had my meeting and cried like a baby of course but felt very supported and heard. I think this will be a good group to join once restrictions are lifted as they too, gather for nice outings to bring some shared joy instead of misery. No others at this point in the same situation as mine with estrangement but all Carers just the same with that in common. Feeling emotionally drained having shared my story and the accompanying tears but feeling positive as well. Will also be receiving some one on one counselling with them regarding a little more education around schizophrenia and Carers Gateway counselling next week. Time for me to step out of my daughters headspace for awhile and reconnect with my own heart and spirit. Sending hugs and hope your day has been gentle xx

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