Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Creating a space here for us to share our Grief and Loss experiences. All kinds but mostly bereavement.
- Tell us about your loss?
- What 3 things you miss most?
- What would you like to tell friends to say, do or be - to lighten the load?
- What have you learned about loss that you didn't know before?
- Do you have any quotes, links, books, organisations etc, related to loss, that you'd like to pass onto others?
___
WHAT IS GRIEF?
GRIEF: The normal process of reacting to a loss. Loss is subjective but usually the loss is: Physical Loss (such as a death), Social Loss (such as divorce), or Occupational Loss (such as a job or an established role & purpose). Emotions distress to Grief & Loss can include anger, guilt, anxiety, confusion, sadness, and despair.

[Former-Member]

My only daughter, the youngest of two, died suddenly in my arms during an unprecedented Acute Asthma episode, while waiting for an ambulance, 3months after her 13th Birthday, Australia Day 2011. My baby girl was unconscious within half an hour - we never got to say good bye.

I have learned that people who know - they avoid you (or avoid the topic), and people who don't know - will never be close. It's an isolating journey - no grief is the same, but there's comfort to link in with the kindred lame.

It is sometimes hard watching other children the same age continue to grow, achieve life's milestones, celebrating anniversaries...

@Appleblossom said:
Tawney, I know what ya mean about being reminded of your loss.  I feel that way a lot with the loss of my daughter, even though she is still alive [estranged].

[Former-Member]

I think this is a great idea for a new thread @Former-Member. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful daughter. I can't imagine.

Grief is one of those things, it's so hard to explain to others or to communicate how you are going... There are just no words for something so devestating. And of course there's no end, you just get better at coping. (Some days anyway!)

Grief is something I've always struggled with- When I lost my cousin (same age as me, when I was 13) it greatly effected the rest of my high school experience/development/outlook on life. As you say, very isolating. People don't know what to say or do around you. It's a very odd, very challenging thing to go through.

Hopefully people can get a sense of understanding and support through this thread 🙂 I think it is comforting to hear that while grief is a very individual thing to go through.. the themes are often pretty similar. Helps you feel connected. Again, excellent idea 

[Queenie]

My mother passed away one Saturday morning when I was 11 years old. She suffered a cerebral aneurysm which burst. She died instantly. I never got to say goodbye to her and was never encouraged to either. I was too immature at that age to process the loss as a adult (I am the youngest in the entire family by a good many years). I still have not properly processed the loss and have never been allowed to grieve. My Dad got remarried to my mother's sister a couple of years after her death and from then on I was on the outer. 

Then when I was 16 years old (in year 12), my brother passed away from liver failure. He was a transplant patient and the organ rejected. He refused another transplant (he had had 2 previously). Even though he was terminally ill, I again was not given the opportunity to say goodbye as this was a taboo subject in my family. I was also not permitted to be there when my brother passed. 

It is an isolating journey, you're right in saying that @Former-Member. I also feel 20 years on, that I am still stunted in some way, that I haven't been able to say goodbye to either of them. I live a long way away from where they are both buried so I don't visit their gravesites all that often. I wish I could. Maybe I would get some sort of closure? I've also considered grief counselling, but perhaps it is too late for that?

I am sorry for your loss @Former-Member. I hope for both of us one day we can heal ourselves.

[Appleblossom]

I have had so much loss that I did a thesis on it ..... but even then I had not got it thru my thick skull that I had also lost my daughter .. and still kept reaching out to her and opening myself to her silly immature criticisms, attacks and rebuffs and endless unfavourable comparisons with my mother ... God Bless both their souls.  I also have lost my sister who is still alive, but I am better without both at the moment.

SUICIDE for people who contemplate it ... leaves a lot of horrible messes.

Good thread @Former-Member

[BlueBay]

For me loss and grief is of my parents especially my dad.  I am grieving so much for not being able to see him, talk to him or enjoy being with him.  I've been told by my GP, psych and therapist that I am grieving the loss of not being able to see my dad.  And I am so scaed that one day it will be too late.

Grieving has so many stages from anger to guilt to sadness/depression.  At the moment I am feeling all those emotions.  I find it extremely difficult to accept this and just can't move forward. I miss my dad so so much and thanks to my domineering and manipulative mum I lose the contact.

I also feel that my 3 children have lost the contact and closeness with their grandparents.  To me this is really sad, but it's out of my control.

It's not easy

[Appleblossom]

I was struck by your post about mourning your life @Queenie  It was very sad and I wanted to hug you and not let you totally give into your fears and your negative voices.

That your father married your auntie would have short circuited many of your feelings and the natural path of grief for your mum.  Have any therapists helped you work through these issues?  Most of mine did not.One did.  I had to specifically go looking for a grief counsellor.

My dad died but I had many little experiences that helped me process that .. and yes it did help being in the location where he was buried.  Maybe you can visit the gravesites but there may be other ways. Look online at other stories or ways that people get some closure.

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom, @BlueBay, I hear you, its so hard when you're powerless to reconcile because the other person blocks you. Ouch!

BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS are very hard to take. Think its a double wammy because of the rejection, and hanging onto hope.

My sister was my closest blood relative, NOK & Godmother to my children,.. The year my girl died she cut me off because, well I still don't understand but think she couldn't handle my sadness which she saw as attention seeking. I miss her. On top of my girl - the weight of the two losses so close was sufficating. She still doesn't respond to my letters etc which are coming to a close (letting go).

My adult son lives 3hrs away and treats me like a memory mostly, but I'm glad we at least talk now & then.

They say devorce is right up there with the distress of 'death of a loved one. Been there too, with family court battles, our divorce was particularly distressing for years. Such betrayal.

[Former-Member]

@Queenie, losing your mum and brother so early in life without support and guidance most definitely would have effected you. Its never too late to seek professional help to process grief experiences. Best to find a psychologist who specialises in Grief & Loss & Trauma. Hang in there Queenie - light a candle for them. It helps me when I think of my girl.

[esprit]

Wow. It's extraordinary what people can live through. My heart grieves for your loss tawny. My middle daughter has asthma and I worry all the time.
This year my teenage (14 20 and 16 ) children decided to live with their dad. They are my life. I was a stay at home mum for 15 years. The grief I felt was indescribable. I also worried for them because their dad finds it hard to say no. I've found out recently that the 16 year old was sexually assaulted at a party that she shouldn't have been at. I speak to them every day and live close by but it still feels like I have lost them. The loss of being a hands on parent feels like a chronic ache and the anger I have for my x husband is hard to keep quiiet about. We have always been good friends but this has ruined our family.
iMy father died in July of cancer. I spent the last six weeks with him. The grief I feel is actually physical for me. I get tight in the chest sometimes when I think about it. It's really like my heart is breaking. I'm the black sheep of my family.i have an idealistic view of what families should be like and get so dissapointed with them and tend to just stay away from my mother and brother. I getting the same way with my sister now dad is gone. I have eternal hope though that this will change but I tfeel when at some stage you give up the ideal you have to grieve for what you wished it could of been. All these things have contributed to me giving up a job I loved and hide myself away from friends for six months. It's been an emotional roller coaster going through all the stages of grief. It's been true for me the cycling through disbelief bargaining anger depression accepting Still not at the accepting stage with my girls but I just really miss my dad but am ok. Aubrey the Buddhist are right about suffering and acceptance.