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Hopesmum
Contributor

Isolated and alone

Hi everyone

It's been a while..... hope everyone is hanging in there even when it's so hard...

 

Me..... well I'm struggling with emptiness, numbness, isolation and all that stuff.... I have ptsd anxiety and depression from childhood emotional neglect and sexual abuse. I am 45 & Female.

 

Due to my agoraphobia and inability to speak about my issues with anyone, including my shrink (when I can speak I whisper), I feel so alone. Locked away and forgotten in my self induced solitary confinement.

Part of me is desperate for human interaction of some kind, just to know I am actually still alive and not just a figment of someone else's imagination. Am I crazy? Does anyone else ever feel this way? Physically I feel frozen, unable to move. I'm still in bed. My security place and prison.

Everyone who thinks they know me sees me as the funny quick witted person I pretend I am. No one sees the way I really am. No one knows my inner turmoil, chaos, pain. I know this is why it feels like no one cares, but no one really does. I've tried to tell people I trust, but often it is too big of an issue and you can see them instantly thrust their heads into the sand. They do not want to know. The only person who knew my history and gave me complete unconditional acceptance has moved away. It has been 5 months and I still really miss them. I find myself checking my emails over and over just in case they might have messaged me. Each time there is nothing I feel less and less of a person and more alone and empty. I know this is unhealthy and I "should" not depend on others for my worth, but when you feel so completey worthless, what else can you do? 

Sorry for rambling..... I just feel so deeply deeply alone......

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Isolated and alone

Hello @Hopesmum

glad you have returned to talk to us Smiley Happy

It must be so lonely to not be able to show your 'true colours' and always present your best self. It sounds like when you have let people in this hasn't exactly worked for you either. You must be desperate to connect.

Well we see and hear you here on the forums!

How have you spent the day today?

Re: Isolated and alone

Thank you for reaching out to me @-karma-. It means a lot. Today I have justed stayed in bed. I feel very locked in, if that makes sense? I will eventually have ro get up to use the loo and take my meds..... so far I have not

Re: Isolated and alone

Hi @Hopesmum

Oh wow!

What's a normal day like for you?

Does it take much for you to attend your appointments? How do you go about preparing yourself mentally to do this?

Re: Isolated and alone

@-karma- Mostly that is my days lately. That or sitting in the lounge. I have managed to do some cooking, but that too is a rarity. I don't have alot of trouble getting to my appointments. Driving my car is ok if I am by myself. I do panic when others are in the waiting room, but I am an expert at hiding emotions from showing on the outside. Others would have no idea how panicked I am. My Dr told me most people either react by fight or flight..... but I play dead. Does that make sense to you. Shopping and other activities are horrendous and take days to recover from. Sometimes after my appointments, which are 2 hours drive from home, I can not drive so I will sit in my car for an hour or more. That's life I guess.....

Re: Isolated and alone

Yes it does @Hopesmum

I think it fight, flight or freeze.

That's amazing you're able to get to appointments with some ease, i guess the car acts as a type of shell.

Hey Topic Tuesday is on tonight, why don't you join us, it starts in 10?

'Managing Compulsions'

 

Re: Isolated and alone

Oh ok. How do I join it?

 

 

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