Lived Experience Forum

[Elizabeth2020]

I have been working with another family member, managing money for some beneficiaries as part of an inheritance. The beneficiaries are not my children, but are children of the other trustee. There has been a lot of conflict in this role and another family member has been bullying me to step down from the trustee role (which was specified in a will).

I have been trying to respect the wishes of the will and stay in this role (which I have for over 3 years). But my mental health is being severly impacted and the family relationships are in tatters. I feel battered and lost in stepping down from this trustee role, but maybe it is the best thing for me. But how do I step down and maintain my dignity? Do I tell the truth and say my mental health is being impacted?

[periwinklepixie]

Hi @Elizabeth2020 

I think your post brings up a very important issue many of us face at some stage or another, even if the particulars of your situation are different. 

I know many times I have been faced with the decision of: I really want to do this thing and feel a responsibility to do it, but it is not good for my mental health. What do I do? 

In the past I think I would have pushed through a lot but in more recent years I tend to believe that nothing is worth sacrificiing my health and wellbeing for. 

I do acknowledge thought that it's not always that simple. I imagine you may feel some guilt about stepping down as you were asked to be the Trustee in your loved one's will. Plus telling people we are struggling can be scary. But living with mental health issues does not mean we are weak. Quite the opposite in my opinion.  

I trust you know what is right for you, 
- periwinklepixie 

[MIFANTCARER]

Hi @Elizabeth2020 ,

I hope your well.  I see you are in a really bad position.  All I can say is you do what is necessary for your well being and mental health.  If it means you step down then do so..  It is not worth the fight if at the end of the process you will be battered and your mental health is affected.

My suggestion is if you do step down, inform the real reason is that you dont want to continue arguing with family members and that you feel bullied by them.  Please do not talk about your mental health as it may give them a reason to further blame you if anything goes wrong.

I wish you well xx.. MIFANT

[Anastasia]

Hello @Elizabeth2020 

Gosh what a difficult situation to be in. I really feel for you. Personally I think you need to do what is best for YOU.

It's not a sign of weakness. Your loved one would not want your own life compromised as a result of the position you are now in.

Take care and look after you ❤️

[Flax]

Have you thought of an advocate for yourself when dealing with a Will?

I will add a caveat - this topic probobly should not be discussed in SANE.org. Its a topic for lawyers and advocates, having said that....

Just from what you've described, it sounds like you need an advocate for yourself  - they are free services in all States and Territories.

Personally, I would have walked away from a complex legal Will where the beneficiaries are from a third party.

Your MH is more important than dignity, and is it truly lacking dignity to exclude yourself from something that sounds messy and your not able to cope with.

I think your worried how people will judge you for stepping away from the suituation because of personal MH issues; and an advocate can bypass the issue without going into specifics.

So step down, but ensure your informed of legacies, distributions, and any ongoing legal issues; don't abrograte your rights, just let a third party form a buffer. Remain a trustee but have an intermidiary involved to minise your stress but also allow you to participate in an legal/financial issues.

No sure if this helps...but I'd stay one step removed from any trustee situation involving complex family dynamics.  

If its causing too much stress, and you dont have a personally vested interest, I'd just resign/step down. 

[Elizabeth2020]

Thank you Anastasia, yes the will maker would certainly not have wanted to see this conflict.

But I have talked so strongly about maintaining this role, telling others I did not want to be bullied.

One person said that they would eventually get me to step down.

Now I feel defeated, weak and not respecting the will maker.

I don't really understand my persistency and why it is so hard to let go.