Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Cat64]

Well here we are into our eigth week with G being in hospital. We have just had another trial at home for three nights and yet another disaster. On the second night I left the house and went and stayed with my daughter for the next two. I'm back home now and G back on the ward.

Boy oh Boy he does put me through the wringer, the same as a lot of you on here with your loved ones. I am not feeling so alone and helpless with having the site to come to for comfort, advice and support.

I really enjoyed being part of the 'Open Dialogue' forum last night. it gave me a lot of food for thought, and made me try and work out how we could get something happening with G. It is so hard trying to do it on my own, especially when his phycosis is more personally directed at me in a heart breaking way.\

It appears he is not responding to the FOUR antipsychotic medications he is on, so now yet another change to see what happens.

The dr is still trying to push him to try one that G is very against and it's been discovered he has a weak heart anyway so really can't go on it.

What a year we have had. Our property was burnt out last year in the big fires we had in the south west of WA. The rebuilding stress is what tipped G over again. Poor love, it was hard work for him organising things...well for both of us really.

We have managed to discuss the future of our marriage, and are not really clear where that is heading. But knowing me,. when he is well again all will be well in my world until next time.

I wonder though - what if they can't get him well. His episodes are getting closer together and harder to treat the older he gets.

He isn't too keen on councelling now after all...probably agreed to placate me. I am going to seek something for myself. I need to learn some better coping strategies than just leaving the house. This to G must feel like I am abandoning him. But i have have explained that it the only way I feel I can survive the constant accusations and degredation that I feel at the time.

He thinks I don't support him any more, and in a way he is right in thinking this. And for that I feel guilty. If staying in this marriage, talking to drs, nurses, him 4 times a day, going out to work, listening to him, councellling him, loving him isn't supporting, then I'm not sure how else I can do that. And I am only with him because we get a pension.Pffft I work 3 jobs, and lose half of that pension anyway. Being together 36 years I think should tell the story.

Sorry guys for ranting, just need to vent once again. And for you all being there for me and each other I am very Grateful. Thank you

[tria]

Hi Cat64

Reading your past helps me realize what others go through. I wonder do you realize the strength you have. You both have been though the fires and I read this stress was a triggered for your husband phychosis. You work various jobs and are a carer.

I am reluctant to offer any advice as I read through your post each time you mention a part of your life that is not working well you  are clear in identerfying why and I see a person coming up with solution. You mettioned you both still talk and plan, You are looking to have some counciling yourself, you need to walk as a measure of self controll and clear your thoughts. All these coping skills look to be a natural trait you may not be identifying. You sound kind and caring so have a read through your post again and see if you can see the person I see, all the good things you have achieved.thouth the dificult times. Cat64 don"t forget to trust yourself. 

Kindly Tria

[Cat64]

Hello again,

Thank you @tria for your encouragement and support. I do realise I have strength and tenacity, if I didn't I don't think we could have lasted as long as we have.

It is now 2 months that G has been in hospital, but I think getting closer to coming out. I'm waiting for his Psych to ring me any minute now to discuss a 'plan'

The new medication they have wanted him on for a few weeks now is on hold for a bit. His ECG showed a weakened heart, so the company that makes it don't want to make the call to authorise him taking it. So now we have to wait up to a month for a cardiologist report to see what he/she thinks.

In the meantime, since the last disastrous over night visits G has been sounding really well on the phone. The trick is he seems to do that, but when he tries to go for a length of time, the wheels fall off.

There is talk that they may discharge him on extended leave to a) either be discharged if all goes well or b) go back in if it doesn't and c) if things do go pear shaped and they have the go ahead from the cardiologist they will then put him on this scary sounding medication that usually works when all else fails.

I am having councelling tomorrow, which will hopefully give me some strategies on how to cope with G if he does start ranting and accusing again. I don't want to just leave the house this time - I need to learn how to deal with it better. G has worked out with a bit of guideance from me that he does indeed to have some councelling to deal with his demons.

We have had great long phone conversations in the past couple of weeks, which sound very promising, so hopefully they do finally have the mix of meds right and we can work on how to re-strenghten the bond we have in our marriage, and G can get some peace in his head. Gee it must be hard for him. I am amazed though, at how calm and patient he has been with being in hospital for 2 months.

I am a bit apprehensive about having him home again - 2 months is a long time to be out here on my own.It will actually be strange having someone in the house and bed with me again. Nice though I must say.

So until I know more, I send white light and love to every one reading this.

Regards Cat

[MIFANTCARER]

I am also blown away by your strength, resilience and ability to still separate the illness form the person. Your story is so real and heart wrenching and I understand how difficult it can be especially when you give all you have left and the person you love and support feels that you now longer care.

I think that you are doing amazingly, your story gives me strength as a carer.

I hope things get better and I look forward to ongoing sharing of our journeys.

Good Luck 🙂

[Outlanderali]

Hey @Cat64

Just checking in.

You mentioned you were going to counselling, hope it went well and you were able to start developing some strategies for when G becomes accusatory.

Let us know how you went!!

Outlanderali

[Cat64]

Thanks @Outlanderali and @MIFANTCARER for your thoughts and comments.

I have had phone councelling this morning. The strategies she suggested, I have pretty much had on my 'to do llist', so that's encouraging knowing I am on the right track. She is emailing me an article on 'enabling' - which is also something I have thought a bit about of late. I do wonder how much we do 'enable' our loved ones in regard to their illness. So that is something I need to look at more closely.

I downloaded and 'app' she suggested - 'Stop, Breath and Think'. Unfortunately the meditiation didn't play for me so waiting to hear back from them to see why not. So maybe some of you might want to check this out also. It was suggested that when I recognise that G is struggling, to suggest to him that we do one of these mediations together. I think that's a lovely idea and will certainly give it a go.

So that plan from here when he does come home next, without bombarding him too quickly, I will outline my boundaries-i.e. when I feel that enough is enough, I am going to give him warning that I am feeling this way, tell hime the consequence should it continue and follow through - which is leaving the house and seeking mental health support.

I still haven't heard from his psych yet, so stay posted and I will let you know how we go moving forward from here.

I certainly don't feel as lost or distraught as I have in the last couple of months, but I guess that is the ebb amd tide of being a carer. And I have had two weeks of relative peace,so not under pressure emotionally right now. Let's just hope it continues once G gets home

On a brighter note, as part of the recovery for our town after the destructive fire last year,( which burnt 90,000 hectares) as we where one of the unlucky ones whose own property was seerely damaged, I am off to have a mask made of my face to become part of a sculpture being done and being put in our sculpture trail we have here in our town, which is a 1.5 km walk through the forest with sculpures through out the walk that have been done by artists from all of the world. How cool is that?

[BeHappy]

That sounds really cool @Cat64 

Its fantastic to hear that you're involved in something rewarding. It also great that you are participating in something outside of the caring relationship. I find that it can be defining, a large part of a 'carer.' But there are many other things to us such as being a face in sculpture!

When I read your post, I was thinking about how wonderful it is that you have a plan to move forward. Rather than feeling like nothing can change, you're trying lots of things. 

My advice to you is to remember is that they are skills and lessons in the making. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't be disheartened if things don't work or feel hard the first few times round. Remember that you're doing something new, which means that you're learning something new, which like anything else takes time. That was my experience with learning to use boundaries anyway. Still learning today!

How are you going with using open dialogue in your life? I found that discussion interesting as well. It gave me some fresh new insights that I'd not really thought about before.