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Casual Contributor

Husband with drug issues

I feel like I have reached the end of the line, I no longer know what to do with my husband. <br>We been married for just over two years, he had been using marijuana regularly and occasionally other drugs at social events. <br>During our first year of wedding, he had a psychotic episode. He was treated with medication and he has been symptom free for over six months now. I went through so much to keep off drugs and threatened that I will leave him if he doesn't stop smoking and using drugs. Initially he would promise and then use again so I left home for a month asking divorce after which he was more serious to stop. <br><br>Last night we went to a party and had a great time together after a very long time. Though it was short lived, when we got home he told me he used drugs again. I became really angry and told him off and haven't spoken to him properly since. I asked him to pack his things and leave home because I want a divorce. I don't really want a divorce but at the same time I really don't know what to do. I feel so stuck. I feel so alone. I don't want to talk to anyone about this because I am sick of it all. <br>He doesn't seem to understand the seriousness of this situation and I really don't want to continue life with him going through this all his life. He is refusing to see a psychologist too. <br><br>Can anyone tell me what else can I do because I really feel stuck. <br>

16 REPLIES 16
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Re: Husband with drug issues

Welcome @tryintokeepsane

it must be so hard being directly impacted by others choices, particularly when theses choices are detrimental to them also.

Can I encourage you to be as honest with him as you have been here on the forums? Saying to him that you don't really want a divorce, and rather that you don't know what to do and that you feel alone and scared. I feel also saying that you had a really good time together recently after such a long time is important to the relationship, particularly that you miss this and still really enjoy his company. I believe this could be the window to getting help for the both of you, it doesn't have to be a psychiatrist

Can I say tryintokeepsane, that one of the Sane forum's moderating organisations is @turningpoint. I think you will find their services of use for yourself, as they offer support and advice to family members.

@tigger84 is a forum member in a similar situation to yourself, and you may find their experience of value.

Additionally a previous topic Tuesday on the forums covered the use of drugs and alcohol, you can follow the conversation below.

http://saneforums.org/t5/Special-Events/Topic-Tuesday-CLOSED-Caring-for-someone-who-struggles-with-d...

best wishes with the next step

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Re: Husband with drug issues

DEar @tryintokeepsane

How are you today?

Actually, I left my husband when his drug and alcohol intake got too hard for me. I dont use drugs or alcohol, it was easy to make this decision because I think I'm older than you, WE, my husband and I  are both 48 years old. 

THis whole drama in my life was marriage; a&d....

prison...(thats another story)

gets out, starts up again.

I left him and threatened divorce. (MArriage to left him; 18 months)

Complete cut off from communication - took 18 months for him to come out 

It was the hardest decision to make but got a restraining order; immediately stopped contact, after going to hospital Psych ward to plead his case for a hospital stay (wasnt heard again...I am only the carer) I went to a friends place for a week and got a restraining order on him. It was the hardest decision to make.

The problems that my husband had were that he was very being cared for ; very badly run Mental health State hospitals  in Western Australia.

They did not hear the sound of my voice. 

They 'knew,' what to do. As I was and am the carer; they saw that any please for help were; co dependency, drama queen.

BUT

He was not coping with these new.intamite feelings he was having of being in love with me and he ....was......walking  to drugs and alcohol like an unconcious drive......

I immediately put a restraining order on him and came to Sane Forums for care from this wonderful organisation and learnt better coping skills. AFter 18 months, he came back, one year free from d & A. He says that he should Have done this years ago.

Yiu can do this too. You HAVE to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Congradulations for reaching out, this is the first step.

How do you feel about coping for one more day while you work out what to do next?

TAke care and thinking about you from PP

 

 

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Re: Husband with drug issues

I think it takes courage to make the stand you have.  You cannot control the other person. My ex husband smoked dope daily for 20 years before I met him. I made the decision that there was to be no drugs or smoking tobacco in the house as we had small children and he agreed to it.  I did not give him a hard time when he went out every few months and did dope with his friends I guess I saw it as an outlet.  Our marriage did not work out for other reasons ... though I stayed 16 years ... still I believe my firmness of a line regarding drugs in the home was a win win situation.  If he had continued the way he had he would have had many more psychotic episodes and been a very unhappy man.

I hope it works out for you ..  value your own position.

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Re: Husband with drug issues

you value my position??

Wow, thanks Apple. I value yours too 

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Re: Husband with drug issues

Hi everyone,
Thanks heaps for your support and advise. I appreciate that. I feel more settled today, I haven't spoken to him all day and night yesterday. And feel more able to have a conversation today if he is ready. He is out at the moment so I will check in with him once he is home.
He needs to make a decision about what he wants from his life, I will be very honest and open about how I feel and let's see what he decides.
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Re: Husband with drug issues

Good luck @tryintokeepsane we are thinking of you.

@PeppiPatty I actually was referring to the original poster .. to encourage her to value her own position and not cave in  ... but as you are doing the same thing day in day out ... yes I value your struggle in continuing to love a man struggling with serious substance abuse. We cant really change others deliberately... my husband agreed as it was obviously in the interests of the children and he was making a Supreme Court Case out of things with his ex ... so he had better behave ... at least a bit.

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Re: Husband with drug issues

I love the hope in these forums, and though it may sound corny, LOVE will find a way, it's been done before. It's hard to accept that we can't MAKE someone get help for their problems. I have often lamented the fact that my partner has mental health and drug/alcohol issues but i am lucky enough that he is now getting the help he needs, i have to be grateful for that. In this way, i want to tell others that one day when they're ready, when they reach their rock-bottom (often having realised after you have set limits that their behaviour can no longer continue if they are to have you in their lives) they will seek help and lives can re-build and move forward positively. Best wishes to all. We all want a happy and serene life, let's go get it!

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Re: Husband with drug issues

Dear @lep227

Your messae is cool too!! Change can only happen with positivity dont you think so?

Please write your story...would like very much to read.....I need to grab my neighbour for a recipe for dinner tonight ! 

PP

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Re: Husband with drug issues

Thanks very much for asking but...where to start! I met my current partner on the October long weekend last year and fell hook, line and sinker for him. Vivacious, infectious and full of life. As time went by things started to get rough with his drug and alcohol use (admittedly i relapsed  after 2.5 years clean time through no-one's fault but my own and am now several months clean again and doing well). The alcohol turned my partner into a raging monster and the drugs made him terribly psychotic and paranoid. It was all new to me, being on the receiving end i mean. I now know what i put my parents through, what an eye-opener being on the other end of someones' drug use? Anyway, our relationship was in turmoil BUT through his determination to stay and my reliance on the fact that i knew i loved him we got back together after a couple of break-ups. I have always suffered depression and see a psychologist on a regular basis. Needless to say, most of our recent sessions have been about me and my partner and she believes he has Borderline Personality Disorder. She in no way claims this is a diagnosis but is only helping me to see where to start my journey of learning and healing from the mayhem that ensued before he finally got help of his own accord. He has been in rehab now for nearly 2 months and continues to do well. I have had a terrible struggle knowing what limits/boundaries to put in place as while he detoxed he displayed some unacceptable behaviour and i refrained from visitng him to avoid revisiting the trauma i suffered while he was in his addiction. I can't enable his 'bad behaviour' because it just encourages him as he thinks it's acceptable, it's so hard but it's about him learning what's going to work well for him and us in the future if we are to be together. I am also looking at my role in the relationship and how to be the best partner possible, i attend Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis. He is coming home for weekend leave today week and i can't tell you my excitement! He has been working so hard and successfully dealt with many challenges not only for himself personally but also in the rehab. I have been struggling with loneliness and my own stuff but i just take one day at a time and surround myself with support of friends, family and forums like this one, such a lifesaver. As far as the Borderline Personality Disorder goes, he seems to fit the criteria to a tee and i have been reading book after book to learn how to deal with it. He has calmed down a lot with the help of medication and the absence of mind altering toxins in his body. I love this man! And in a sense this gives me no options but to follow my heart (although my head sometimes gets in the way but i'm constantly monitoring signs of co-dependence etc). I am one of the lucky ones, he is getting the help he needs but the journey down to his rock-bottom nearly killed us both. But no regrets here, it was worth every risk of losing him to make him realise that he was destroying himself by destroying those around him. Everyone and every story is different but if you strongly believe deep down inside that your love for someone is real then put your seatbelt on and put your foot down, it's gonna be a bumpy ride but it might just be worth every pothole (or crater) you hit and then you reach beautiful smooth tarmac (until life's next event hits you).

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