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AnneGreenGables
Casual Contributor

How do you continue to care?

Hello. This is my first time posting and I'm a little nervous to do so, but I figure it can't hurt. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have a daughter, 6. One and done, as the saying goes! As background, I almost died giving birth and suffered PND for about two years. I've been well since. About 3 years ago I noticed my husband, who was my main carer when I was ill, was showing signs of depression. In Dec 2016, after months of me trying to get him to go to the GP, he went and was put on meds. (Factors influencing his depression include PTSD from seeing me almost die, caring for me and not accepting much help, his previous high-stress managment position where he had to make people redundant and, in the past year, his dad's cancer diagnosis and death) To try and cut a very long story short we  have had multiple med changes, referral to community mental health team, psychiatrists x 2 (happy with the second one), psychologist and now he is currently in hospital undergoing his second round of ECT. The first course he responded really well to but it was only 6 sessions, which in hindsight was probably not enough as he had a major crash about a week after coming home. He is halfway through his second course, which will be 12 treatments. It's been a battle every step of the way getting him treatment. It's taken weeks or months of me suggesting/coaxing/pleading/demanding he seek help, despite all we know about depression from my experience. The impact it has had on our lives is huge. He has lost almost all of the clients he had in our business, money is tight, I have stepped up working crazy long hours to make up the shortfall (although I still don't always cover it all). I've negotiated with the bank re mortgage, I work about 50 hrs a week paid work and then do all cooking, cleaning and parenting. He hates that I do this, and does feel bad, but I have little choice. In terms of help for myself I see a psychologist and psychiatrist (we were weaning off my meds but we've paused that for now), I did go to the gym which I loved but financially we can't afford it any more so now I walk the dogs, I have excellent friends and family support. I am also taking a few days off paid work this week (My first break in over a year) I guess my questions are:
* What helps you get by?
* How do you stay and care when you just want to leave? (I like it when he is in hospital as it's just my daughter and I and things are simple and happy at home)
* How do you manage taking over things that have to be done without damaging or setting your spouse back and denting their confidence and self-esteem? (My husband bemoans me being the breadwinner but he is earning little right now and we need food in the fridge and a roof over our heads. And I started mowing the grass as it was calf height! I've tried not to take over but the alternative is weeks of me reminding and nagging and I hate being 'that wife'. lol)
* Or how do you get your spouse to engage in family life and contribute even just a little bit?
Thank you for taking the time to read 🙂

9 REPLIES 9

Re: How do you continue to care?

Hi @AnneGreenGables and welcome to the forum.

I can relate to much of what you are saying here but unfortunately I dont have any easy answers but wanted to let you know you had been heard and encourage you for reaching out here.  It is also good that you are seeking professional help for yourself. 

 

I support my wife who lives with borderline personality disorder. We have been married for 19+ years and have 3 children between 3 and 13.  I suffered a major burnout 5 years ago and currently we rely on centrelink to get by as I am still unable to work.  2 years ago my darling had a big melt down after the birth of our last child and spent about 4 months in hospital over thevfb course if a year. I can understand your husbands feelings about being the breadwinner. Something that often overwhelms me that I am unable to do.

 

So to answer your question how do I continue to care? There is no definitive answer to that other than what other option is there. We have 3 young children who depend on us being together and despite all of the challenges I do care about our family being together. But that is just my take on our family. 

 

As to how to get hubby to engage. A.you can do is encourage and provide every opportunity you can for this to happen. 

I have seen both sides of this as I when through a period of high stress when I disengaged from our family emotionally but also have seen my darling do the same during her time of crisis.

 

I know I have not answered all of your questions but it is a bit hard (for me) to do this in a short sussinc answer. 

 

Happy to answer any specific question the best I can. 

 

 

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: How do you continue to care?

Hi @AnneGreenGables

I care for my husband (married 34 years) who has been unwell for about 16 years but having a 3 year crisis period which culminated with an attempt resulting in injury.  I have been the primary breadwinner on and off throughout our marriage, mostly by choice, but at times out of necessity.  Mr Darcy has been on the DSP for a couple of years now - due to my income gets limited $$ but the pension discounts are really helpful. 

 

In answer to your specific questions

* What helps you get by? 

I don't think I could have managed without my faith and the support of loved ones. More recently a counselor has helped me lay down a few burdens I have been carrying.
* How do you stay and care when you just want to leave?

I have never wanted to leave,  many times have wanted things not to be so hard.
* How do you manage taking over things that have to be done without damaging or setting your spouse back and denting their confidence and self-esteem?  

The reality is such that things do not get done by themselves and if he complained I would try and respond with kindness. We were fortunate that for a while a friend paid for a gardener to come once a month and despite my income being modest I made it a priority to pay for house cleaner who came fortnightly for about a year. 
* Or how do you get your spouse to engage in family life and contribute even just a little bit?
When Mr Darcy was unwell he was unable to engage, that is the nature of the illness. Being thankful when he did do things acknowledged his efforts and may have been helpful, but probably did not add to his desire to help further. Following his attempt. he did have medical difficulties and was physically unable to do some things. 

 

We have a 'before' and 'after' (his attempt).  Before - I did not understand a thing, was hurt by a lot of his comments and actions, was frustrated,  after I realised that being kind and loving, even when he is anxious and grumpy is a better way. This included letting him know I was on his team, listening to him and advocating for him, not venting frustrations on him.    "Expressed emotion" is the medical term given for when family members do and say things that are unhelpful and can set a patient back and once I learned about this and about MI in general I was able to respond in a healthy way and things became a lot better for us from a relationship point of view. Becoming a partner in his care also helped greatly as it was apparent Mr D was not managing his illness on his own.  Now I have been able to step back a lot, but he is happy for me to remain a partner in his care as the illness is not to be trusted as lack of insight often goes out the window and we have found this works well for us.

 

Being the 'responsible person' is not easy and I feel fortunate that Mr Darcy is a kind and gentle person. It was difficult when he wanted to run away, he became psychotic and thought he could live off charity which deteriorated further to becoming suicidal.  Whilst he has ongoing issues (as is the nature or MI) since stabilising he has shown gratitude that I stuck by him. In many ways I am still the responsible person but he is an equal partner in our relationship and to the best of my ability I will never make him feel "less than".  

 

 

I do not know if your husband has some sort of income protection insurance (mine did not) but if he does, you may be able to access that??

Re: How do you continue to care?

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me. You've been caring for your wife and children a long time and that must take enormous strength.

Things got a bit on top of me last week and I've only been doing it two years! lol. I'm taking things easier this week and feeling much better. I know I can't let myself become depressed or anxious again as my daughter has to come first. I guess one of my main questions was what do you do for yourself if/when you feel yourself slipping? What picks you up and helps you cope? 

Re: How do you continue to care?

We do have income protection and that is assisting, although it is a battle each month to get my hubby to fill in the required forms. Sigh.

 

You provide some interesting food for thought in your approach and it's something I'll discuss with my psychologist. At the moment I know my sheer frustration is mostly out weighing my love and kindness. I'm not unkind but I have pulled back a lot. I've almost felt I've had to, in order to protect myself from further hurt. I'm working with my psychologist on using my midfulness techniques directly on my husband. In particular, not replaying the entire race each time there is a hurdle to jump. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it seems impossible. Definitely a work in progress.

 

Thank you for sharing, I do really appreciate it.  

 

 

Re: How do you continue to care?

Hi @AnneGreenGables 

I have tagged @Determined using the @ and his name so he knows that you have responded to his message.

Re: How do you continue to care?

Thanks @Former-Member

 

Thanks @AnneGreenGables  I dont know about strong, just stubborn and not a quitter lol.

 

I think all.of us here have days weeks (or more) when things get on to of us. The forum is a great place to come for support at times like this as we can all discuss our days without fear of judgement. 

 

When I feel myself slipping usually I just slip into auto mode and do what I can when I can.  Getting help for myself and/ or delegating help for my family is not something I am good at but working on with some professional support.  At the moment I am working with some amazing people who know when to ask me ruok what is going on and what are you doing for you. Kind of an unofficial accountability team ensuring I am looking after myself. This has been a big help.

 

I also have the support of an amazing student advisor/ councillor at the uni I am studying at who is helping me to link into supports for my family as well as myself. I honestly could not do it alone. (I tried for a long time and fell in a heap).  I have particually seen the value of this over the last weeks with getting supports in place for a potential crisis in the near future for us.  I say this not to be discouraging but to encourage you to get and accept help for you as well as your family. 

 

What helps me to cope?

Probably survive more than cope a lot of the time but that would be primarily my faith. I could not have through without this. But also my love for my family. Our three children who need me to keep it together for our family. 

 

What picks me up?

When my family (particularly my darling) has a good day. 

Currently with some encouragement also working on some self care activities for myself to unwind. 

 

A bit of a long winded response but I hope it is helpful.

 

Also wanted to day I agree with everything Darcy says above. I always struggle to put my thoughts down without waffle but Darcy has said it so well.

 

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better and trust it can continue for you. 

 

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: How do you continue to care?

How are you going @AnneGreenGables

Re: How do you continue to care?

Hi @Former-Member thanks for following up with me. I'm ok. Not great, but ok. So much to do, so little time = Christmas. Post the second round of ECT my husband is doing a bit better but still not great. Hasn't been able to get to the office, doesn't want to go to Carols by Candlelight (we're in a regional area so it's not the huge city events) etc... Is helping a bit more at home and is a bit more communicative but it's not authentic.  I know it's a slow process but, to be honest, I'm tired. When I was sick i turned over every leaf/stone to get better and I made sure I did. I don't know what else to do/say/try etc... to encourage him to try more, to engage with us, to participate. Sometimes I think I'm too capable. I just get things done and he can coast by. Anyway, I'm just focusing on my daughter and I. Focusing on what I can control on the advice of my psychologist. If he wants to join us, then great. If not, that's his choice. It might seem harsh but I have little left to give.

Re: How do you continue to care?

Hi @AnneGreenGables

It is difficult to understand when a person is paralysed by depression and their inability to be able to lift themselves out of it - exhausting for even the most resilient of us loved ones, especially if psychotic symptoms and/or suicidal thoughts emerge.  ECT has a 50% success rate in preventing relapse *  and is not without risk. My husband has not worked since his crisis and feels the loss immensely. He has not seen a part time job advertised that he feels he could do, we too live in a rural area.

It is a hard slog for us carers at times.  We want our loved ones back; accepting new realities, difficult.  It is ok for us to enjoy doing things without our loved one being with us. 

 

 

*https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3799066/

 

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