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Re: Help with boundry statagies

I just don't know whats the best thing to do anymore. I feel weak when I allow this circular argument to continue, but when I do stop, I spent hours and hours stressing that she will do as she threatened. I feel guilt for not doing what she wants. I feel uncertain about any decision I make, not only about her, about life in general. 

I think I need someone (a professional) there anytime I have contact with her...why doesn't life come with that lol. @Determined

Re: Help with boundry statagies

I will have to try and find it, (there may be a link in one of my early threads) but I read an article about boundaries, particularly for people with bpd but, is that even though a particular response may be resented and not liked at the time, if the response is consistent then it creates a level of security and safety. In our case I was making it up as we went along based on what I thought was best at the time, the article explained that not knowing what to expect created anxiety and fueled bad behaviour.  

My fear was and still is that a particular response by me may in fact be the trigger for self harm. (And this has happened) but the follow up response was a trip to the hospital. I drove her and sat with her for the 12 hr observation period at the ed ward. Next time it will be by ambulance and I will not be with her, I will be staying with with the children. She believes I will do this so has not spoken of such acts since. 

It will always be a balancing act and I still make minor compromises but those are always conditional. It is hard but for us long term I believe it has been worth it. 

I defiantly could not have done any of this without the support of a councillor. The support here was also priceless.   

Always here to lend an ear. 

 

Re: Help with boundry statagies

Hi @Janiee

Thinking of you today and trust things are going as well as they can for you and your family.

 

Re: Help with boundry statagies

Thank you so much @Determined. Its 1 step forward, 3 steps back at the moment. She has said she will maybe get help, but there are conditions (on her side). So I'm sorta stuck between, just get her help anyway and trying to get her to see that her conditions are unreasonable. She wants her father to pay for all of it (pretty sure he can't afford all of that, and I'm happy to help with payments) and she wants to choose exactly where it is instead of where will suit the problems best. She has in her head that if he won't pay, he doesn't care for her mental health. If only life was that easy. I'm trying to look at the positives, that at least she is saying she needs help.

I'm hoping your day wasn't as chaotic as you were thinking it would be and also that your exam went better than you were expecting 😊. 

I am so grateful for the support from you guys in here. It truly is a blessing. Everyone in here has their own issues, dramas and problems, but they still have time to help with advice, an ear to listen, to talk about the important stuff or just the silly stuff. It's an amazing support system x

Re: Help with boundry statagies

Understand the 1 step forward 3 back @Janiee

My exam is Monday next week. Finally managed to get through some review today. 

Re: Help with boundry statagies

Glad you got some time to review, hope that makes you feel a little easier about the exam @Determined

 

I've just got to concentrate on the positives ans not get so bogged down in the negatives....easier said than done lol x

Re: Help with boundry statagies

Not such a good couple of days, I thought I finally had my daughter convinced to go to the drs, but then all the excuses came, I'm not in town (so get back to town), i have no fuel money (I'll give you fuel money), i don't feel safe in driving my car before its fixed (you drove it to there, I can get you picked up or i can get you), i can't be in #home town and keep it together (well you aren't keeping it together now where ever you are). I am at the point of ringing the drs and getting an order put out on her, this is my last resort, i have tried and tried to get her to go herself but i can't keep waking up to messages of self harm and wondering if the police will knock on my door. I think she is trying to control this situation because she has no control elsewhere. I'm lost, upset, angry and even with a wonderful husband helping and my friends, i am still alone in this situation because its me who has to make this decision and make that call and its breaking my heart. But i think I'm out of options. 

Re: Help with boundry statagies

Feeling for you @Janiee,

One of the hardest decisions I have ever made was to have Darling admitted to hospital.
She was technically there as a voluntary patient but it was me that made the decision.

I also had young children berating me for `sending mummy away to get rid of her' 

 

I do agree with you and believe that some of these bahaviours are a control thing and can be a cry out for help when (for us my darling) could not cope with making a decision for herself.  Will be thinking of you today, off to work now so offline for a while. 

Re: Help with boundry statagies

Well there is Murphys law for ya, tge day I finally man up to do this...my dr has every Wednesday off. I don't know if its the right thing to do now, back to second guessing myself. She told me she went to a dr today, told them about her self harm and other horrible thought and he wanted to give her medication, which she refused. She is trying to tell me the only way for her to be assessed is at the mental health unit at the hospital and she won't go cause she knows they will keep her there. After 2 hours on and off the phone to her today, while i am trying to work, I am drained again. Getting numb to the abuse though...not sure if thats a good or bad thing...

 

Hope your exam went ok, been a bit chaotic for me, so i haven't really been on @Determined

Re: Help with boundry statagies

That sounds tough @Janiee, wish there was an easy answer I could give you to  help but none that I have found unfortunately.

 

I can relate to the being numb to the abuse, for me Unfortunatly that also comes with being numb to ans synical about the gentle touches. 

 

I survived the exam, now have to wait 4 weeks for the results. Going to be a long 4 weeks. 

Will be thinking of you as you work through all of this and trust you can find a solution. There was a time when I wondered if there would ever be an end to the turmoil that did not involve a tragedy, while things are far from ideal we have come so far from where we were this time last year. We have now been 8months without any self harm here. For that I am most grateful. I say this as an encouragement that things can get better.   Sometimes when I am feelimg down I go back over some of my earlier posts, not to dewll on things but to remind me just how far we have come. 

Thinking of you and your family. 

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