Lived Experience Forum

[LjYeet]

I've been struggling with depression for all my life, but Ive been struggling with some issues lately. 

I've been through a lot this year to say the least, earlier in the year (January) my fianceè left me and shortly after that there were 2 sudden deaths in the family. Honestly, in these past 7 months I've come very far in terms of mental wellbeing, but the better I get, the bigger the void of not being in a committed relationship feels. 

Up until a few months ago I didn't feel ready to enter the dating scene, I genuinely couldn't feel attracted to other people like I was with my ex. Now that I'm dating again I find myself growing too attached. 

Has anyone else ever had this problem/does anyone know strategies to keep myself from getting overly attached early on in a relationship?

P.S. I've recently met a girl who is amazing but I feel like I've already grown too attached despite our situation not being exclusive (yet), which is the main reason I'm making this post.

[Mazarita]

Hi @LjYeet, I may be quite a bit older than you in my mid 50s. But I experienced what you are describing a lot when I was younger. It was like that old blues song, 'I fall in love too easily'. For me it was like my mind started obsessing with that person and it often happened too fast for good balance. 

The only thing I can really suggest is to practise as much mindfulness and breathing consciousness as possible to perhaps calm down the emotions. Meditation might help, if you do that. Even just focussing on the breath and deepening and slowing it if possible might help. And listening to the wise part of your mind that recognises that your emotions may be moving too fast. I would try with these things I mentioned, to bring my focus into the material world around me and live in the present moment as much as possible. Then with good feelings on both sides, the relationship may become closer.

Kind wishes and good luck! 

[Chamomile]

Hi @LjYeet,

Congratulations for putting yourself out there again. It sounds like you have been through a lot and it's certainly not easy to take risks and make yourself vulnerable again after a string of hard experiences.

Fantatsic that you have met someone that you like! @Mazaritas suggestions are great. To add to her sage advice, sometimes it can be helpful to remind yourself that you don't really know the person very well yet. This doesnt mean that you shouldnt enjoy the giddy feelings that you're having. It just means that maintain an awareness that the feelings at this point, might be based on hopes, fantaises and hormones as opposed to a really solid knowledge of who the other person is.

Also, staying connected to your own hobbies, freinds and thinsg that you value can be helpful in terms of maintaining your independence.

Does anybody else have advice on managing strong feelings of attachment early in a relationship?

[MackLouis]

I've learned to be very wary of people who are happy to get super serious super quick. Generally they are desperate to lock you down before they reveal their true selves (my narcissist ex) or are trying to fill a void in themselves. Personally, I used to try and fill a void in myself so was all keen to rush in, but I found once I became comfortable with myself I was able to let things develop slowly. Which led me to end a casual relationship of 5 months which was never going to work (thank god we didn't move in together etc) and eventually led me to my current partner. And I had to remind myself over and over and over to take things slowly.

[LjYeet]

Nvm she cheated life's garbage 

[MackLouis]

But if you weren't exclusive its not cheating? Or had you guys decided to commit? If so yes, that's a shitty thing to do grrrrrr

[LjYeet]

Well we still weren't exclusive but we were out at the club together and she made out with another dude, I ended up forgiving her and we've been able to build something proper out of this after we both showed more vulnerable sides of ourselves.

None of my friends or family support my decision so I hope she's worth me defending her.