Thank you @Queenie @outlander @Faith-and-Hope @Teej
Dont worry about notifications or delay.
Its really sobering in a beautiful way, to have so much caring response to my call out, and pain, within 24 hours.
My world has changed from when I was a child or a mum in a quasi "normal" family structure.
Then there was only manage on your own, dont dare express need or difficulty, and we will judge you to a very high level.
My son has aspects of that in his character. I dont want to go into details, but it is important if I am to continue to survive, that I face what aspects of my life are due to past experiences or personality traits and what are reactions, responses, triggers or direct instances of current abuse.
Baby dragons is one way of looking at it, but there comes a point where fire breathing is harmful and should be curbed or directed to a good purpose. He has no idea of the discipline and difference between "I" and "you" statements and is very much you you you ... with blame at me. My mental health support workers have come into the home and realise a little of it. As a mum, how much do we enable, how much do we provide, guide and protect, and when is enough enough. He does push me to the limit. I feel lucky he is not physical, but it is also important I face and call out his behaviour. He is playing quite piano music atm. Which at least is him doing some active study instead of laying on his bed and being hooked to computer. Maybe one day he will apologise or regret the harshness of his statements, in the meantime, things are at the protect myself mode, as it really wont help anyone if I truly go down the gurgler.
The family therapist we went to has supported him verbally standing up for himself which has lead to an escalation about verbally taking adult responsibility. I dont think the therapist intends that it be played out in a lets crit mother way, but he is on month holiday. In some ways the statements my son makes about my lack of responsibility are so wrong they are laughable. Forgiveness and reconciliation need to occur within a realistic framework.
He is playing the piano the piano I bought when I was younger than him, playing my repertoire, he denounced me for stopping teaching piano without realising all the pressures he put on me, in that I have had the job of giving him a tertiary education, teach the teacher, and experiences of teaching etc etc. With his high handed attitude it was difficult to make good choices as he really did not have the skill set to pitch his lessons to the level of students, so he ended up lecturing little primary school students. I just could not continue that. One or two lessons like that were alright but more would have damaged the children. He may eventually gain those skills once he has consolidated his own technical mastery. He has avoided exams and any feedback. There is one singing teacher he does respect. He also could not be collegial or really respectful with me on a professionl or personal level. Essentially I stopped playing and had to go out for music in the form of singing. At least I did reclaim my own little sitting room with my right to sit on the couch and read, compute. I am so tired of being used to care for other people's children, especially when I did not have a real home or respect and circumstances to care for my biological ones in anywhere near the level I would have liked. It is what it is. But being at the zoo for last 2 years renews my sense that I am actually good with kids and families despite being treated as a bad mum. My mother, my husband, my aunties etc all required me to care for littlies. In the orphanage I had to for my sister and teaching the kids reading. Socialisation of oldest girls is so different to socialisation of oldest boys. I am so over being used and tossed aside in caring roles. At least the vollie co-ordinator at zoo is starting to understand and "get" me, so I feel that role is secure, but I had to go outside of the house to get it.
The job atm is to last til he leaves. I need to make a few more statements to him, so he knows I know, rather than being seen as silly stooge, that I will love him, challenge him to open up more to his biological sister one day, and that I will be there for both of them, with respect. Then focus on my own self healing and broader creative practise. Try to keep my focus on purpose in my life, rather than succumb to doubts and others or self wounding. I will always love my children, but enabling negative behaviour is not good. They have enough good in them to work it out in the long run.
