13-01-2020 05:57 PM
Thank you @Zoe7 and @Former-Member
I guess poverty makes some people more compassionate and others more hard nosed, regardless of race or nationality. Glad I have your friendship.
@Former-MemberMy mother was good at getting people to stick up for her, and I did love her, but now my job is to survive and encourage kids to thrive, on my terms, not hers.
I disagree with you about my mother's snobbiness. She did not even try to undestand other people. It was very understated of me to say even that. It was another final kick in my belly, when I was down, in pain, shamed and humble and always accepting all her various limitations and ridiculous expectations. My mother was sick, it was just that I did not really know how sick.
I was getting a lot of anti Australian sentiment on and offline and started to really dig deep and bring out my own Australianess with pride, which I did mainly through literature, not having many good Aussie relationships in real life.
Given all the struggle I had to even survive, others did not, given the 7 x 77 forgiveness required of me which mostly I willingly gave. Of course I forgave her for her breakdown, leaving me many times, not understanding English well enough to discuss anything in life, for me, or give good guidance or physical support for my father or my dead brothers and sister. I translated and gave leeway to mother too much. She never did that to me. She played her religious cards too often to know. I was the daughter to be relied on to pay the rent, not skim off anything for me, look after the children and earn money at an age now considered serious exploitation, and on top of all that NOT COMPLAIN. SHe would undermine many medical relationships in her fierce determination, that she was the mother, but not be able to admit, that I was a mother ... it goes on.
Yes on one hand she may have wanted me to be the best I could be, but she could never bring herself to actually say anything like that to my face or celebrate my successes. Mostly she would cut me down. My successes were not handed to me on a platter. Blood Sweat and tears were involved. I encouraged her and went to her graduation. Do you think she cared about how hard I worked for my education or bills? Nope. No attendance at mine, made me feel it was not worth anything, or my job promotions. Now I am seeing it as jealousy, but leading with the requirement that I forgive. SHe seemed to resent me so deeply for so long ... its exhausting. She would visit me at work in govt office, kids in tow, to find ways to milk me for more support... and I gave. She would set up social situations for me to be scapegoated ... I did not cause the abandonment or the suicides. I was usually trying to get my brothers to behave for her, and I loved them.
I guess my situation is too complicated for the average person to understand. I am reading a link @Darcy posted on carers side about COPMI. (Still have not finished it as it takes a bit to integrate for me.) It was put out around 2007, but not in practise when I was growing up.
I have really had to fight too long and too hard for understanding.
Thanks for talking though, Sherry, you mean well. You have not been a mother yourself, and I dont want to bring up all the sorry manipulations that occurred while I was a young mum.
I am assessing the damage I think. Trying to come to terms with my life and feelings. My OT liked to mention guilt a few times and Shame has been discussed in other circumstances and "shame" assoications just started popping into my head. It was interesting to think about what I thought was shameful, not what others though was shameful ...
there are cliches about the cycle of poverty and shame ...
too much to go into honestly. I dont feel ashamed of things that others may ... too many early childhood truamas ... about the body and all sorts...
13-01-2020 06:17 PM
I could never claim to understand your unique situation or experiences @Appleblossom . But I do sympathise with what you have been through. And I greatly admire your ability to come through it all, and still be the wonderful person you clearly are.
I am very happy to listen, even if I dont have any worthwhile advice or relevant experience.
14-01-2020 08:54 AM
Thinking of you @Appleblossom I always find your posts eloquent and admire the way you share about your complex past, relationships you grew up with, and where you're at now.
My mum always corrected our speech too, to the point I was frequently assumed to be English, or even accused of being a snob. Speaking with 'a plum in my mouth'. Lots I could say about her situation and aspirations (very upper middle class ones that seemed really false to me and still do) which have had pros and cons in their effect on us kids. All of us got out early but even now have problematic schemas as a result of things in our childhood (including violence between and from our parents) - and we're all over 50.
I was looked down on and even rejected by my parents at one stage due to my association with (hard to find the right words for this bit) more down to earth, you beaut aussies, tradies, bar staff, shop attendants etc - less academic education and lower income. I was much more able to be my authentic self in such circles. Way less judgmental than e.g. the private school and anglican church types my mother tried to get me to mix with.
Hope your day is a good one, take care.
14-01-2020 08:28 PM
@eth I have met a lot of women like that. I saw them correcting their children for useless and nonsense reasons, mostly I watched and tried a bit of this and bit of that, but pushed myself in studies, needing the clear structure. After thinking about things I guess I grew my own opinions.
Those respectability types never made for a good friendship connection. I kind of dont fit in either world and am my own weird mix.
Feeling a little off centre, had 2 prn days, nothing big. Went to a care leaver museum opening.
Reading a Qld heath guide posted on carer side about Children of People with Mental Illness. A lot of grist for the mill.
15-01-2020 12:40 AM
Hello again @Appleblossom
Had a bit of time out.
On the ptsd rollercoaster again, also spent today being a tourist, travelling about.
More random thoughts.
Normal, fair, equal.
Just a few.
Philosophical abstractions living in a fantasy world of ideological dreams.
Each defined a million different ways by a million different people yet none specific enough to be tangible.
Normal, (who knows normal) the best we can do is, call average, normal.
Fair, (not in this reality) fair belongs in utopia and again, who decides, and what is it?
Equal, (what) equal is the sum of x random parts. None of us are the same, none have the same sum of random parts. (health, physical makeup, environment, opportunity, etc.)
Australia was built on colonial slavery utilising a conquered nation and criminal survivalists along with a mix of real criminality.
All in all, rebellion is (was) a big part of the Australian makeup and shows in their mannerisms and speech.
Tall poppy syndrome.
Yet they are also crudely subtle; a rough delivery in crude words will often say,
don't listen to the words mate, listen to the message. (we care, so we kick you around (talk rough) to make sure you are tough enough to survive and let you know) together (we are us)
There is no place for abuse and nasty behaviour.
That was not Australia, r i p a culture that died young.
15-01-2020 03:08 PM
Thank you for this discussion @Wanderer It helps.
Love the image.... stars ... clockwork universes and mechanics and time ... fractured and elapsed ...
Speaks a lot to my truth ... I am going through a reflective period ... memories randomly emerge and are considered and sometimes posted about here ... or elsewhere ...
I am not wanting to jump on politial or argumentative bandwagons, but just consider my own experience in this country. The country of my birth and most of my life.
Whatever name we call it ... I prefer Great Southern Land ... has a freshness away from colonial limitations which are complex and an unhappy marriages of many and various people. The Brit overlord, the underdogs, whether criminal or not, the original inhabitants, first nation cultures and new immigrants ... from ALL over the planet.
To carve a unified Australian identity from all the diversity seems ludicrous and premature. My father seemed a thougthtful man to me. He was concerned about social justice, war and peace, (as a naval man) and the sea and landscape and respect and companionship. In my ward file they said he was vio lent and Schizophrenic. I did visit him in hospital, but never saw those other things as he was mainly concerned with education and doing the right thing by me. Our standard of living became less and less as he became "sick", but some of his sickness seems to be anger at having his children taken away ... it was only expressed in those contexts as he was not a wild drinker or brawler ... tho not a prickly tea totaller.
As I have said before I like Australian literature as that helps me understand, but I will not be celebrating the public holiday, have some sympathies to those who call it invasion day, but also wary of fanning any political or real flames in these delicate times.
Yeah ... lots of thinking about the normal thing ...
Starts with Bell curves ...
15-01-2020 03:25 PM
Not usually on the computer at this time of day, just doing some pc maintenance.
I find ptsd like shattered glass, many shards of reality smashed beyond repair, all floating in suspension, a constant, moving, changing, fragmented climate of chaos spotted with slivers of order.
I agree, re political.
I think if the pollies and the media left us alone everyone would get on fine. (together)
Not just here either, the world is getting smaller.
Like the old saying,
Nature creates droughts but it takes humans to create a famine.
15-01-2020 05:18 PM
There is a thunder storm outside. Its Melbourne and tropical style summer storms are becoming more common. We are supposedly in the temperate zone ....
Changes David Bowie
Wanderer I am learning about the ptsd narrative and it seems to fit. I probably have cptsd but nobody has said. On the net they talk about trauma levels of children in welfare as similar to war veterans. My dad was both. I also endured state wardship and experienced a family casualty rate similar to that of war time. I experienced a lot of people putting me down and otherising me ... until I came to this Lived Experience forum.
Also learning why I stick it out in unfriendly situations.
Silly me did not know any better.
My son asked for the book War and Peace for his chrissy present and a fantasy for light relief and cash for immunological and allergy health support. Cant argue with that. I respect my offspring. I love them, I like them and I respect them. In many ways we are all walking wounded, those of us lucky enough to walk.
15-01-2020 05:30 PM
We have had a really warm day and rain this afternoon too @Appleblossom Expected thunderstorms have not yet developed here but any rain we get is good - hope it gets to the places it is most needed too.