Lived Experience Forum

[Soulless]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time on a group like this. I've been alone sorting out my ptsd.

I have experienced PTSD 6 years ago in October 2011 after being a victim of crime. A drive by shooting of 20 bullets going through my front window.

I wasnt injured , but I was sleeping in the second room. I was losing my mother to cancer at the same time so I couldn't process what happened. I didn't have support from the police or from friends or family.

I had to try to hide the fact that this happened to me as I wanted to focus on my mother maybe getting better.

At the time, I had to deal with my husbands anxiety of it all.

My whole life I grew up in the street , worked hard to renovate my home. My sense of security went that night.

I was numb and shocked and then I had more onset of PTSD , after 2 months from the incident, I lost my mother and then in 2012 had more family issues which require me to go to court.

I was a walking time bomb.

(My childhood has not been normal, I grew up with a disabled brother and helped be his second caretaker before the support system that is now in place, I was bullied, my brother was physical and verbally abusive to me , my dad was strict and if we didn't comply with household rules, there was consequences . I never had emotional support as a child, grew up in a very religious group that didn't support ones growth and development as they wanted one to devote their time to the church)

In 2014, I seen the top nsw state of ptsd trauma and they said which trauma do I need to work on losing my mother or the shooting. For me it was the shooting as I never got closure from it.

I had two kids at the time of the shooting and had my third after. So being a mum and having ptsd , I was lost deep soul with no feelings. Just a robot.

I got told not to move out of my home by my psychologist , and thought yeah they are right. So I stayed out. While I was in therapy with them , part of the treatment , they made me relive the trauma and encouraged my heart rate by exercise to go up.

It didn't help me much at all, just made me get angry and helpless.

All this went on from up to 2015. 2016 I needed to move. So I did even though it meant leaving my home and renting else where.

It wasn't until I was out of the area and home that I actually realised what I went through. All the years that I stayed living in my house of where the impact and crime happened, I never cried and was numb.

When I moved I just was like wow , what do I do now.
I learnt to start walking the street and not having to be on guard.

I moved to a place where I was surrounded by nature and natural wildlife and birds and animals.

2 Incidents happened when I moved to my new place that triggered my trauma , one being , I was a victim of online bullying that made me shut down again.

But then I came across and heard about cbd marijuana oil without the thc and got it from a special place online that make it in Australia.

When I took it, it helped me so much. It didn't make me high, but it stopped the overthinking. it stopped the ptsd of being on alert.

For the first time I was able to give my poor brain a rest from ptsd and the onset of it opening every memory and trigger like a domino affect that didn't stop but kept going.

So my conclusion is that Marijuana CBD Oil works so much, along living with nature.

I've never been a smoker or drinker and so I never ever turned to and substance while through ptsd or my life even till now.

I created a new routine of exercise and being with nature and close to the beach helped me heal as well as with the Marijuana oil.

I only took the oil when I needed it and I found I didn't need it much at all.

2 months ago, I had to move back to my old house of where the shooting occurred and I'm a mess.

I'm like a zombie from the memory of the trauma. I get triggered so bad. My husband isn't helping with my trauma cause he doesn't understand. I've just gone backwards living here.

Because of the Australian government I can't buy they cbd oil anymore. My dr prescribed me some meds but my pharmacist doesn't want me to take it as it has health side affects.

I'm seeing a reiki kinesiologist healer and she is helping but it takes time. When I see her I do feel 20 times better then I would when I see a psychologist.

I have made the decision to seperate from my husband and go back and live where I can heal. I will be living a simple life and have not much money left over but I know I will have my sanity and mental health back.

Also I'm a Vegan. I found eating more fresh plant based foods help me and less processed food.

Thought I'd share my experience.

I pray we all can heal and we find light and love to be entered through our pain and trauma.

Thanks for reading my experience. Everyday is step of hope for the better for us, even though one day can seem to be hard to get through.

Sending Love and Light to us.

[utopia]

@Soulless - thank you for sharing part of your story.
PTSD is a nightmare that I lived through myself. But I got good treatment - EMDR (eye movement desensitisation reprogramming - weird name). I had about 4 or 5 counseling sessions with the psychologist and then 2 treatments of the EMDR. No more freaking out when my triggers occur. I van discuss my incident fully without heart rate increase sweating crying freezing etc. It really helped me.
Maybe you could look into a treatment like EMDR & see if it might be of help to you.

[NiteKat]

Hi @Soulless

Thanks for your contribution to SANE forums. 

Its not always easy to talk about such private and painful matters publically on a forum, but I assure you that the members here will understand and be empathic to your story because many of the issues you present are totally relatable to many contributors lives.

Welcome and thank you for contributing

NiteKat (overnight moderator)

[Former-Member]

Hi @Soulless
Thank you for sharing, it can be so hard to share but it helps a lot to read how we're not so alone in our struggles too. I also have ptsd and its hard to live with some days.. errr every day. I havent found a truly effective way to stop the triggers/flashbacks but still working on it. Making a decision to separate must have been very hard but i hope that when you move it does help you and improve your healing and recovery. I hope you find the forums helpful,
Take care