Lived Experience Forum

[darwinemma]

Hi all! I joined a little while ago, then life was good for a bit. Now it's not. A recap...hubby and I split in July...we had been trying and not, trying and not. I finally said no more on Sunday just gone. I think I am doing the right thing...but now I am alone. And not like most people who have lost a relationship. I have no other friends or family to call on. Even my daughter has gone back to ignoring me (although I only got snippets of her time during the past 4 months - it was better than nothing).

With BPD, I am surprised I haven't triggered the abandonment issues that plague me. I am surprised that I have held strong and not tried to contact him (even though I have been kicked off as a friend on FB and I assume he has blocked phone and text messaging). I want him back...but don't want him! I hate him...but I love him!

He promised me he would go to counselling...but has been making excuses not to. Even down to getting angry with me because I sent him a link to a couple of interesting articles I found on FB. This led to accusations of me trying to control him/the situation. I made him a promise to work through the therapy with my psychologist and counsellor...and I have been to every appointment to date. And fully intend to keep going.

He told me - in a message - on Sunday that he is out to destroy me. I think he almost succeeded over the past couple of months. I have nothing - he kept everything (furniture, household items etc) including our daughter. He told me - again in a message - that I only had our daughter diagnosed as being on the spectrum so that I could get money for her. I notice that he is not refusing the Carers Allowance that he is paid...

Sorry for rambling on. I am currently doing a Certificate IV course which has a 5 day classroom component and then up to 12 months to complete it. It is good because I have people around and I feel "normal" during the day. After this week, apart from my psych and counsellor, I will have nothing to look forward to each day (yes I know I have to complete the course), no one to talk to and I am not looking forward to that. I like being alone but I hate being lonely.

I know I will never look at or love another man. Chris will be the last for me - for many reasons. And yes, I know all the usual platitudes of never say never and you don't know what's around the corner. But I don't want to have to start again, relearning someone else's habits, likes and dislikes etc. I spent 16 years with this man. 

I want friends - people I can have a coffee and a laugh or cry with. People I can share stupid or happy times with. At my age (47 in a month) and where I live, there are no groups to join. It is a very transient place and people tend to keep to themselves as they move on after a spell. I live in an old hotel with around 100 people and I have never met one of them. I say hello occasionally when I happen to see someone - but it is so occasional that I sometimes wonder if I actually imagined them!

The hardest thing is living a 3 minute drive from my daughter and she can't even come and say hello. I do not have a phone number for her nor an email address. I have access to her via messenger only - and she doesn't respond 9 times out of 10. I don't have the money to take her out anywhere. I have a pool in the complex but in the month I have lived here, she has been over twice for a swim. I have unlimited internet provided free - but it isn't fast enough to run her computer games so I'm not worth visiting. She has an awards night on the 16th to which I have been invited (prior to the final split with Chris) and I am waitng for the message to come through that I am no longer invited. I am waiting to go to court for parenting orders but am not holding my breath that I will get visitation or even communication rights because he will fight dirty on every front to stop anything I want - to totally destroy me. My girl is almost 14 and therefore has the right to refuse to see me - and he is manipulating that constantly.

[Former-Member]

Hi @darwinemma

Oh what a painful time this must be for you. I wish I could give you a hug - so I will send a big cyber one instead. Not an easy time - I have been through a nasty separation years ago and the children's minds were poisoned, similar to your daughter.

I think the abandonment issues are not plaguing you because deep down you know you are doing the right thing. You know deep down that someone who would try and destroy you is not love in action. And when you realise the pain you have been put through for so long, when you have been trying consistently but with your partner making little effort - you know the relationship isn't working and you are not happy in it. This realisation making you not wanting him back...and the lonliness tempting to want him back. The latter would only see the cycle of pain and unhappiness repeated.

We all detest being lonely my friend. Having no one to talk to when we need them or when we get home is hard. Having no family or friends to lean on is the part that makes this so much harder. I truly understand. You are stronger than you think. In my separation process I vowed not to return for reason as I was in the same position, hard at first but I am now some years later in a better place for not going back. I made the right decision and am much happier.

Having someone to turn to when you need to talk is a human need we all have. With not seeing your daughter making it all the more harder as well. Is there a face to face support group you can try in your area @darwinemma? I know some groups like grow who have meetings at night and also organise social groups and activities on weekends, that can ease the lonliness. Usually they exchange phone numbers to ring and check up on each other. Could really help support you in this painful adjustment in your life in you feel comfortable with it. 

Also seeking free legal advice on having regular access to your daughter could assist. Don't let him bully you or turn your daughter against you without a fight. Please seek a court order for custody rights as you have them regardless of the any dirt he tries to throw up. Fight for your rights. With her knowing you fought to see her will make a huge difference to your relationship with her. Let her know on those visiting days or hours how much you love her regardless if she rejects you - keep trying. Let her know this is not about her, that she should not be dragged into and made to take sides and how much you love her. That she only will ever have one mother and you will always be there for her. Regardless how she resists you at first, she will look back one day and see the effort you made when she was young to see her and this could save your relationship with her.

Good to read that you are doing a course surrounded by others. Any chance of striking up a conversation with someone there? - and if you get on asking them over for a coffee or something? The can only say no. There are so many lonely people out there, if we join different groups and try different activities with others we are bound to make aquaintances in time that may led to friendship. Both are good to ease lonliness. I will be doing this more myself.

I hope I have helped abit as I am really feeling for what you are going through. I am sure others will pop on and offer there support and experiences as well so please keep posting. Thinking of you 

[utopia]

@darwinemma you are going through some tough times. But look how strong you have been to say 'no more' to your husband and your relationship. You know you want and deserve better than that. Well done for following through. Especially as lonliness is there.
How about doing your study time in the local library? You may find others use the library to study their on line classes. Could be a place to meet new people. The Certificate IV you are studying - could you volunteer in that industry while you are studying? Another good way to meet people.
Teenagers. My son went to stay temporarily with my mum at the end of April this year. He hardly talks to me. It's been really hard on me. But he just stayed over for 2 nights & 3 days. So that was good. But your daughter may be like my son - test you and test you again. It's a hard age for them & for us as their mums.
I wish you well with everything

[darwinemma]

No, no groups. Nothing. The rest of the group are all men and none are interested in striking up a conversation even during the breaks.

But thank you for the support xx

[Former-Member]

Your welcome @darwinemma

How are you going tonight? 

[darwinemma]

Taking each day as it comes 🙂

Proud of myself for having gone 5 days without trying to contact him or doing any "drama queen" (his term) acts 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hi @darwinemma

Well done 👍 You are stronger than you think. One day at a time is the best way to walk this journey. Any plans for the weekend? Hope it's relaxing for you.

[darwinemma]

@Former-Member - had no plans then decided to dodge study and unpack boxes that have sat in the corner since I moved in a few weeks ago. I ended up with a car load of stuff that I just didn't want so went and dumped it back on the ex's doorstep. No contact other than a text message to say - take it and enjoy! Most of it is kitchen gear I don't need as a single person, some of it was just memories that I found too painful to keep.

Found some photos of my daughter so at least the place looks more homely now. Sent her a message to ask if she wanted her nails done (she has an awards night at parliament house later this week) - as usual, no response.

Tomorrow I will have to take a drive and get some coins for the washing machine and dryer as I have all the linen to wash (car washes are great to get change!). Might take the dog to the beach then I MUST get into the books or I will get behind!

Just trying to keep busy so I sleep at night 🙂