Speaking of grief... I miss you @Appleblossom And so many I've lost when I walk away into each new life chapter. Ever watch the tv series 'RinTinTin' - I feel like that... Don't belong anywhere, always saying goodbye... In the middle of starting over again, IRL, the forums are bridging that for me, kinda helps. Thanks 💞
Hi @EOR rin tin tin bring up warm feelings which I really need right now.
It feels nice to be missed. I hope you are alright and even having some great moments, in your new place. I really hope there are some good people irl, just around the corner....
It is so hard when life has disrupted relationship formation and friendships. I went to so many schools I dont think people noticed if I was there or not.
I had healing moments last weekend and on Tuesday .. in that a lot of people actually recognised me .. nothing flash ... just that it helps socially, when people approach or smile or just mention a past camp etc...Untl I was about 55 I had been afraid of rooms crowded with people ...those early years of fear and extreme shyness are over ...
I know I am not invisible ... ha ha
Someone newish I liked was being friendly the other night and gave clear body language to talk, but I was so skittish (maybe I had my quota of good feels idk) I left the pub, and now am worried I seemed rude. I cant actually believe I have been to 2 music events in pubs in last month ...participatory not just a band.
Inside feeling a bit battered though.
Just wrote a difficult post about emotional resilience (on carers side).
@Appleblossom, such a joy to find your post 💞 I'm glad you had a 'healing' weekend (even though it was Mother's Day). I guess people recognising you at functions would bring a sense of 'belonging' at some level. Think with me I feel SHAME in public, for every mistake I've ever made, irrationaly believing everyone knows, or will eventually, and... But, having said that, I've mastered masking it (switching). Trouble with that, most ppl sense 'fake' and superficiality, disengage or get suspicious... I don't know, it's just really draining for me. Having said that, I need help soon, SI thrives in loneliness. Made me smile... your comment that you've learnt your 'not invisible' haha, cute. Anyway, I've followed you a couple of years here (feels like 3 lifetimes ago) and you have encouraged me so much. Thank you 💜🌺
I am sorry you are struggling with si and isolation. On Tues I caught a train 4 times and 3 of them struggled with si, but these 3 times I was able to calmly say I am not listening to that inner voice and there was no great strain. I have found it easier when I am in accepting mode, but that said, for a long time, the word "acceptance" triggered my anger as I felt it was a negation of my brother and sister's lives and deaths. Catching the train has become a big social positive in my life. It has not meant any long term friendships, but it mostly keeps me positive about the human race, so I have a vague feel of connection even if there are not a lot of "friends" in my life. It may or may not work for you, it just emerged .... as you are in the country something else may become a linchpin to enable you to feel less lonely.
It feels heartening that you have read and noticed my posting over time. It is an outpouring of many and varied quality and experience, motivated by a swirling mix of need and hope and reaching out. Thank you for noticing and caring. I hope the forums help.
All that stuff about authenticity and wearing a mask socially is very tricky. I have been working with it consciously for 30 years. Being real, but not being a problem, being cheerful and helpful, to help lubricate the social experience, but not being fake. Its challenging, and not necessarily fair. Bottom line most people are carrying some burdens and usually find difficult things inappropriate to their having fun when socialising. So gradually I made it about me actually having the feeling of fun. I realised it felt foreign but after kids were grown it became a legit pursuit, in a healthy way. It crept up on me gradually, and I have lots of funny levels of fear about deserving and over compensations etc so am skittish, but it has become a life journey now. I am connecting with enough mh workers who remind me about self care, so I dont feel too selfish, which was a big issue earlier.
I struggle with grief a lot at present. My grief at present is mostly around missing the pure love and effection I had from my grandparents. My grandfather died 9 years ago & my nana died 15 years ago.
I have suffered with chronic illness since my nana died. These illnesses get worse every year and my financial and mental health difficulties get worse in parallel to my physical health.
I have a lot of other grief, grief for my mum leaving our family when i was a teenager, grief over a termination, grief for the end of my marriage, grief for my loss of financial security, grief for my loss of good health, grief for the loss of stalled academic and career pursuits, grief for the loss of a positive relationship with my mum.
Mostly this grief presents as extreme sadness, and the grief around my relationship mum is sadness, disappointment, frustration, and often anger for feelings of rejection by her.
I grieve my inability to find and purchase a safe affordable home for my son and our pets. I grieve for what seems to be an inability on my part to find a simple peaceful affordable future.
I’ll keep trying and keep holding onto hope that things may get a little better than they are at present.
I'm here quietly supporting you all @kylspike@Appleblossom@EOR@Darcy@Dec just haven't a lot of the right words today. I like the way you say you'll keep trying and keep holding onto hope @kylspike sometimes that's the best we can do and even that can be a supreme effort - it's what I hope for everyone here. Thanks everyone for your sharing here. I hope it's helpful. Take care xx
Good to hear you are determined and hanging on. SOmetimes that is all we can do. Hope you can nurture yourself. I made a password that heals me around my early losses. It is silly but at random times when I use it it gives me a smile and a lift.
There are some positives as we get older, though. It is soooo hard being young, with so many decisions and challenges around.
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