Lived Experience Forum

[altravocap]

I've had some wine tonight, so apologies if this seems a bit messy.

I'm hours away from my birthday, and I've realised why this triggers so much in me. I'm adopted, which for most of my life I didn't think I cared about. But I've tried so many times to contact bio family, and they've actively blocked every attempt.

I hate birthdays because they were an imposition on my families' lives. I have divorced parents, and while they both tried, my birthday and my life was always second to the adult drama in their lives.

Looking forward to a few days from now when I'm a bit older on paper and don't have to deal with the things brought up by the next 24 hours.

[altravocap]

Adding to this (because my husband has sensibly banned me from being near my phone and its installed messaging apps tonight), I've only realised in the last couple of years how much being put up for adoption and then living with an adoptive family who loved me but put me through a divorce, domestic abuse, being the emotional support and things I feel like I don't actually remember, has messed me up.

I get like this around my birthday because all of these things can be tied back to this day. I can split them into discrete problems the rest of the year. For the next 24 hours, they're all one big thing.

On the plus side, while I'm angry and drunk tonight, I don't want to hurt myself and I want to be alive. And I've found these forums, which means I'm venting this to all of you, who get it, instead of to random people in my life who'll be alienated by it all.

[Anastasia]

Hello @altravocap and welcome.

I'm sorry your birthday brings with it unwanted and unwelcome emotions. I wanted to let you know I hear you and I see you 💞

Mostly I'm really happy that you don't want to hurt yourself and you want to be alive.

That makes me smile.

I'm also glad you've found the forums, which allows you to share, yes, we so get it. You're definitely not alone.

Hugs and happy you found us 💗

[Shaz51]

hello @altravocap  sending you lots of hugs my friend 

is it your birthday today ?? if you dont mind me asking 

and would you like a  birthday here ( let me know if you would like one or not xoxo)

hello @Anastasia , @ShiningStar 

[altravocap]

Thanks for the kind words. It was that day, and it was rough, but I've come out the other side reasonably well.

Still drinking a bit more than I'd like, and sent some messages that were a bit more 'heart on my sleeve' than I'd usually be sober, but overall I'm pretty satisfied with how it went.

Funny(ish) story, a few days after my birthday I had an appointment with my GP to get some prescriptions renewed, and at one point, after having already covered my mental health, he said "oh, happy birthday" and then immediately was like, wait, sorry, I didn't think. I reassured him it was fine and I appreciated it, and we both had a laugh, but obviously my GP knows me well.

[Anastasia]

Hello @altravocap 

Sounds like a great GP. Keep taking care 

[altravocap]

He's an absolute star. I've been seeing him for over six years, and he's never given me the impression he judges me. He listens and he offers practical solutions, without the usual "have you tried mindfulness" or "do you get enough exercise".

He's listened to me when I've told him that I don't like psych meds, and tried to balance that with what I need. I went to him before my psychologist when I felt I needed to go inpatient because my psych relationship was relatively new, and he managed all the communications with the hospital and my psych. He has never once lectured me about my poor life choices, just offered me things that will help that he thinks will work for me.

He's an absolute star. Very lucky.

[Shaz51]

happy birthday for that day my friend @altravocap 

@ShiningStar, @Anastasia