Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[_75]

A friend of mine told me about these forums, and I thought I would highlight our struggle at the moment.

My 18 year old son has been battling serious depression for more than 4 years. At age 15 he was hospitalised for 2 weeks following several self harm attempts. At the time when we tried to get him to hospital he resisted physically which resulted in me receiving a very serious hand injury.

Since that time he has some better times but never able to shake it off. He has quit school, and couldn't stick to TAFE. He regularly sees his Psychiatrist and is on a medication plan but will not steadily take all of his tablets.

He has been recently (4 months) been drinking heavily and talking indirectly of suicide. This week my wife came home several days ago and no sign of our son, and It took more than 5 hours for him to come back home, despite driving around looking for him and the police as well.

When we talk to him about things he just says he gets angry after drinking and wants to break something. He says he doesn't really care about hurting himself and would do it again. He also says that he has an "exit strategy" and says he will end everything sometime soon, but not now.

He is very calm and matter of fact when discussing it, which is disconcerting, and repeated it again today to his doctor. He refuses to engage in therapy, regularly does not take his medication and says he doesn't care about the future or impact on his family.

We don't know what to do as he wont engage with any treatment and just seems on a downward spiral that he has already planned out.

My wife struggles significantly with it all as she has depression and possible bi-polar as well so it can really be difficult trying to help him find a way forward.

We give him all the support we can, he regularly sees his doctors but we don't know how to get him to focus on a plan to cope and survive rather than focus on his exit strategy. Just don't know what to do.

[Squirrel]

Hi @_75 I can hear how hopeless things seem right now. As parents all we want to do is to protect our children from pain. To witness such pain and be unable to do anything about it must feel intolerable.

Maybe others on the forums who have also shared thier struggles with parenting and caring for their children with mental illness have some suggestion of where to go from here. I am thinking @Ruth @Pip @olly53 @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Snowdrop

[Lunar]

Hi there @_75,

A warm welcome to the forums! You and your wife seem to be going through an extremely hard time with your son and his thoughts of suicide and excess drinking, I can only imagine how stressfull this situation is and you are being so strong by seeking as much support and help as possible.

Has there been any Family Therapy sessions where you can all attend as a family and discuss the siuation or is this something your son would also avoid? Relationships Australia might be able to help you there if this is an option for you as a whole family?

Relationships Australia

1300 364 277

http://relationshipsnsw.org.au/support-services/family-therapy/

There are also support groups which may be something to try as he can talk to other who are also struggling with a mental illness, you could call Grow to see where you closest one is?

Grow

1800 558 268

http://www.grow.org.au/

Does he use any helplines which are available 24/7, maybe give them their numbers so he can use them to talk and cope from home:

• Lifeline: 13 11 14 or online chat
• Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 or online chat
• SuicideLine: 1300 651 251

The drinking may also be exacerbating his feelings of suicide it might be worth looking into an alcohol program so he can learn to cope in other ways, such as services and programs that the NDASD know of:

National Drug and Alcohol Service Directory (NDASD)
www.ndasd.com.au/ 

Lastly, as you are both carers and requring all the support you can, it might be really helpful to get some extra care for yourself and your partner from:

Carers Australia

1800 242 636

http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/

Please keep us updated and take care of yourself,

lunar

[_75]

Thanks @Lunar
We have been to sessions as a family, he is willing to go along but does not want to engage with any discussions on finding a way forward. I will give him the details for Grow as that might be a way for him to connect and discuss with someone.

[olly53]

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time. My husband and I have been through the suicide threats as well and it has caused panic inside of me when I hear it. Whilst my situation with my daughter is far from perfect I have found the best strategy for me was to get as much knowledge and support for myself as I could and try to let go of my daughter as I could see my reactions sparked the situation.

I am always there for her but not as sacrificial of my own peace of mind that I once was. I worked on the theory that nothing was being gained by two of us in turmoil. We have our ups and downs which I accept as a part of her BPD but the suicide threats are happening less often and I am enjoying my life more than I have for many years.

I have rang SANE and spoke to someone when things are at their worst with me crying and stating that I can't do it anymore. After getting off the phone from the wonderful compassionate people at SANE I then somehow find the courage and strength to be a support for my daughter again.

I would love to say that this has a beginning and an end but it doesn't so I keep working on looking after me as I am no good to my daughter if I don't. I tell her I love her regularly and try not to get involved in her negativity which I am not always successful at.

I wish I could save my daughter but all I can do is help with tools for her to save herself.

[pip]

Hi @_75. May I ask where your son 'fits' in within the family structure. Is he eldest, middle, only, youngest. If he is the eldest, perhaps he feels as though he has to stay strong for his younger siblings, this often causes extreme resentment. If he is the middle, he could be struggling to 'find' whether he should follow his older sibling (be it brother or sister), personality-wise. If he is the youngest, perhaps he feels as though he's been lost in the crowd with no direct guidance or support. If he is the only, this can also lead to some serious role model support. He sounds extremely lost and in emotional pain. He also sounds really angry. Did he show signs of behavioural issues as a child? By that I mean constantly in trouble with you or wife, or quiet, unassuming, seemingly model child. If you have met other peers he may have associated with at school/work, this could also have a bearing on present behaviour. The constant drinking could be an escape (if I drink, I don't have to face the world), they also believe drinking numbs the pain. Do either of you or your wife accompany him to Dr's or other treatments? He may likely be seeing Dr's/counsellors whatever to 'be seen to be doing the expected thing'. If he is only doing this out of what he views as a 'duty', he is being totally dishonest with everyone, including himself. Depression, severe depression can stop people from focussing on where they are and what they want. Frequent suicide talk means significant pain. Are you monitoring his medication? Do you, yourself have emotional support. I would suggest it might be an idea to make an appointment and have a talk with the treating Dr. Try also asking your son if he ever thinks about what he would have liked to do once he left school? Try encouraging him to talk about his initial plans he made before he 'gave up'. Frustration at not being able to fulfil planned hopes for the future can also cause severe depression. Hope this has given you some hope.