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LostandConfused
Contributor

Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi all, this is my first time posting. I was with my boyfriend for two years and never knew that he suffered from depression. He broke up with me out of the blue and after a lot of talking and crying he admitted to me that he has struggled for a long time with depression and that he was in a very bad place. He told me he had thoughts of suicide and that I couldn't fix him. He needed to fix himself. He said he needed some space and time and that he promised me he would go talk to someone. I was so confused because we were so in love and still seemed to be but he was pushing me away and I could not understand. I gave him space for about a month, I wrote him a letter but he never responded, and then we saw each other again. He cried and said it was good to see me and that I was beauitful, and that he didn't know what else to say at the moment. He had he had gotten my letter and cried by himself. We laid in bed and held each other. He told me more about his depression than he ever had before, how it made him feel. He said he wanted me to know he was doing better, that I shouldn't worry about him. He says he hasn't been drinking much, but I have reason to believe that's not true. I'm worried about him drinking and driving, as well as going back to abusing pills. We spent 2 days together and on the third he told me he couldn't get better with me around, that I'd never understand what he was going through and that if I loved him I would leave him alone. For 2 days it was like nothing had ever happened, we were so happy again together. And then he just snapped, he got angry and would not have a reasonable conversation with me. I'm lost and confused. I know I need to accept that this is what he wants, but it's just so confusing and hard to understand. I know I'm better off without him, but I love him. Hearing that other people have gone through on this forum makes it a little easier to deal with. 

126 REPLIES 126

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi Lost and confused,

 

It is Artaud one of the moderators for the overnight. Just checking into see if you are OK. I hope you geta lot out of the forums. Cheers Artaud

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi Artuad, thanks for your note. I'm okay. It's been a long two months since this all started to happen. I hope I get a lot out of the forums too. It's really nice to know that I'm not alone in dealing with this situation, it's just very confusing and heartbreaking. 

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

helloo @LostandConfused welcome to the forum and hpw are you today my friend Heart

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi @LostandConfused, I'm going through a very similar situation- depressed boyfriend ended relationship out of the blue. I'm also very confused and sad, hope these forums help.

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi Anna, thanks for your reply. Do you want to talk about what happened? I've been finding it helpful to hear other peoples' stories. But if you don't want to, that's ok too. Hope you're hanging in there. I know it's still hard for me, I'm feeling depressed myself at the moment. But I'm hoping if I'm going through the stages of grief that acceptance might be the next stage for me. 

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi @LostandConfused, if you scroll down in the carers forum my story should be in there 🙂 yes I feel like I'm going through the stages of grief, my now ex bf said if he gets better in the future we may be able to consider dating again but he just can't care for anyone else at the moment, so I'm giving him space to look after himself and what will be will be.

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi Anna,

I found your story. I'm totally broken and my relationship was for a much shorter time than yours, so I can only imagine how hard this is for you as well. There are many similarities to our stories though, I'm actually turning 30 in a few months, we were both very happy in our relationship, and it didn't seem final, it seemed like he needed time and kind of still does. The hardest thing was seeing him again and everything being great, it seemed like he missed me and we spent a few happy days together. It's just when he snapped, he treated me very badly. The last thing was him slamming the door and driving away. I have not heard from him since, he seems to be genreally avoiding friends that may try to talk to him about it. All I know is that he is "beat up by the whole thing" according to a friend who spoke with him breifly. After he snapped, I'm realizing that I am better off without him and the pain he has caused me. But like you I still love and miss him terribly. 

From your story it sounds like this happened in mid-late December. Have you spoken or seen each other at all? It's very hard for me that he does not want to speak to me as well. The last thing was I wrote him a letter a week or so ago, no response. Although he didn't respond to my last letter but when I saw him he said he cried after he read it...this is all very hard for me to deal with but it's somewhat comforting knowing that we're not alone in this. But I wish he would see that it's his depression causing this and not push me out of his life completely. People tell me I should be mad, and it will help me get over it, but I know he's struggling and this just doesn't feel like him doing this. It's some kind of alter ego... 

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi @LostandConfused, we broke up in mid November actually, I may not have posted on here til December though. We last spoke at the end of November and he said he planned to start counselling. He said if the counselling went well and he felt better he would ask me out again, but wanted space to get better. He felt if I contacted him he'd only feel pressure about us so I've left him be for now. I've also been told by friends I should be mad but I can't bring myself to do that yet, I saw how much depression ruined his life and changed him and instead of being mad I feel very sorry and sad for him. He was always a very happy laughing person and the day he broke up with me he said he can't laugh or smile anymore. I find it hard to be mad at him when his life is like that now. We haven't seen each other at all, he lives on a farm (which is how he ended up with depression- his family wants him to be a farmer and he doesn't want to be) and I live in a nearby city. I don't ask friends for updates on him but at New Years our mutual best friend told me that my ex bf was very sad and hurting a lot about the situation. Our mutual friend said it's important that ex bf and I get back together as soon as possible and we look after him together. I have decided to not contact him at all, and to respect his wishes for space. It's very difficult but what he requested. It's a very strange sad situation to be in isn't it!

Re: Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi @Anna88, my situation is actually very similar it's amazing how many of the symtoms and actions are the same. He was the same way for a long time, always seemed happy and we joked around and smiled all the time time like teenagers. He said I was the only person he was ever really himself around. And similarly, it all changed so quickly. I didn't recognize him anymore, it was a totally different person. It was like he wasn't in there from the way his eyes looked. But when we were together again recently I saw him again, I thought the man I knew was back. The problem was, once he let me back in, I didn't want to leave. I didn't put any pressure on him about the relationship, but we spent most of a weekend together. I thought he was back to being himself, so I thought it was ok. But apparently I put too much pressure on him. He said when we're together it is amazing, but I don't understand how awful he feels all of the other times. That the happy times are just glimmers for him. And then he got so angry, it all changed on a dime. He was not nice to me at all, I've never been treated like that before. But I feel the same way you do unfortunately, it's hard to be mad because I know he's struggling so much. No matter how calm and patient I was as he slowly started to open up about his issues, he would just keep saying that I would never understand. It's hard to feel like he just wouldn't even give me a chance to understand.

For the most part it seems that he's avoiding friends that he might be able to open up to about this. And i'm scared that without me to confide in that he's isolating himself. He has told me he's finally talking to a professional, but he doesn't feel like it's helping him much. I know I need to let it go, but I feel myself slipping into depression for the first time in my life. It all makes so little sense, and has worn me down so much, I don't seem to care about anything anymore. Nothing makes me happy. I am hoping this improves soon. But I can't seem to shake it and I'm worried about him. 

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