Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[lindabar]

I suppose I have joined this forum to know and hear from other parents. A chance to vent safely at times without fear of judgment. To find support. It's a lonely world trying to help and care for a loved one with a mental illness. My daughter is now 27. Diagnosed 10 years ago with bipolar. We bump along fine for a while then crisis hits. Happened this year 6 months ago. My daughter is now improving again but slowly. She shares her time between home and her apartment in Melbourne. I am the one person she talks to for which I am blessed that she does this but it's a double edged sword. I'm a mum not a psychologist or psychiatrist. I don't have all the answers. When she gets angry it hurts to hear what she says to me. The next minute she is sorry but it's been said. For a while you can think and put it down to her illness but sometimes the hurtful words stick. She is angry with her dad and says he doesn't understand. So now I mediate between the 2 of them. Sometimes I just think it would be nice to just go. Somewhere quiet and peaceful. Work is my sanctuary. I am struggling. Not sure where I go for me. I have had clinical depression in the past and know it has returned making caring and saying the right things to my daughter that bit harder. Probably the stress of supporting her but it's always me she turns to. I can't fix her and that's hard. I am scared for her and her future. She is bright and so caring. I get scared and I am almost prepared to know that one day I might not have her in my life. Came very close this year when I got a phone call from her on a train station telling me she was scared that she just suddenly thought if she stepped out it would be over. That's an awful thing for a mother to hear. It's so sad. So guess what I'm asking for is some help. No judgement please

[Sky]

Hi @lindabar,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story with everyone. I'm one of the moderators here.

It is very hard when you got in between two people you love. I can hear that you would like to enjoy being part of the family without spending this much energy. 

Have you tried any carer's support in the past? Carers Victoria provides counselling support to people and here is their website. They may be able to show you some pathway on how to get your daughter some support if she's willing to give it a try, or give you some tips on how to face this day to day moments.

It is absolutely not easy and I hope you'll be able to find some stories here that you relate with. Please try to type in key words on the search bar to start with and you'll find heaps of people who are on a simliar journey but very supportive to each other.

Take care and look after yourself. Otherwise you'll lose energy and hope to look after your family.

Warm regards,

[Appleblossom]

Hello @lindabar

It certainly is very difficult to hear those words.I struggled with hearing them from my brother and sister.

It is good however that she was able to verbalise them and make the call and reach out to YOU.

I am not sure what is judgemental or not. I have often had the internal struggle your daughter had but never a single soul to reach out to ..  just the knowledge that it would not be good for my own children.

So that you were able to hear her and that she knew she could turn to you for help is SIGNIFICANT and GOOD.

I hope others on the forum have better stories than mine to share .. but each person is unique and family dynamics and resources are all different.

Best wishes Apple

[lindabar]

I suppose judgemental in that I tried another forum once and was berated for saying it was hard supporting my daughter. I didn't want to be judged badly. I am probably not in a good space myself at present I do have friends I can share with but that is so hard to do. Unless you have walked with the beast that is bipolar no one can understand. Thank you for your support.

[pip]

lindabar. The last thing I would ever do is 'judge'. No-one has that right. Supporting anyone with mental health problems is ultra-hard. With bipolar it must be harder as I suppose your daughter doesn't always take her medication. Is she living alone usually, if she is that makes it harder as you pray for her to ring, but you're scared when she does, fearing the worse each time. It is a double-edged sword and you need to care for you as well. You said it's hard for her dad as he doesn't understand. It's hard for everyone concerned as, when your daughter has her major down times, you have to guess a lot of the times. Is there somewhere you can get emotional support for you, like a centre for families supporting mental health. Have a talk with your Dr, explain your daughter's bipolar and mention you're tired too from carrying the 'load'. We all need to unload, carers in particular need to know someone understands and can offer support when it gets too much.

[lindabar]

Hi Pip thanks for your reply and support. My daughter is really good with her medication. She lives with friends but her best friend doesn't always get it and struggles. After my post yesterday I called Carers Victoria and have accessed free face to face councelling for me. She called last night (my daughter) had had reasonable day had even made a cake. She knows I'm struggling and tries hard but I know she gets angry not being able to achieve what she wants to do. She qualified as a midwife and is a beautiful highly skilled midwife. But of course shift work..... It's hard on her. She does casual shifts when well. She is so bright wanted to do medicine that isn't going to happen she can't cope with the stress. When she is well all is so good but at least every year she is unwell for about 6 months. She knows she won't manage having children she knows she can't achieve what she truly wants. That comes out as anger towards me. This is not where she saw her life. That's tough. But as I said I can't cope at present being the one person to be abused or always trying to say the right thing for fear of her words. Hopefully the councillor will help me

[pip]

Hi lindabar. I guess your daughter lashes out because, like you, she needs to. I'm wrapt you've managed to get some help from Carers Vic, that's wonderful. Living with bipolar is a Hell of a lot different to living with domestic violence situations. When it's d.v, usually whoever is violent can be made aware that the behaviour is not acceptable and the spouse can get assistance to either leave or have the abuser removed. When it's bipolar or any mental illness, it's different because the person with the illness is quite often totally unaware that they are frightening to whoever they live with, in this case, you or your daughter's friends. As you said, her friends don't always fully realize your daughter can't always control her anger, and this makes them frightened. Not being able to have children would've been another blow to your daughter's womanhood as every woman wants children, When a woman discovers she is unable to have children, either because of medical problems or (as in your daughter's case) mental illness, it is almost the final straw. Unfortunately, because there's no-one else, you are copping the brunt of her frustration. Even fostering would be out of the question. Could she possibly work in a daycare centre helping to care for children? This may help fulfil her dreams of caring for children, it would also help her realize they can be a handful. No offense to anyone with children, but children have their moods and needs. Have you explored that possibility?

[lindabar]

Hi she has made a conscious decision to never have children. She knows she would have to come off most of her medication before becoming pregnant and realises the struggle she would have caring for a child. We had a good chat this afternoon she told me she knew she should be more sensitive to my struggles at the moment. She is an amazing young woman. Her courage and strength never ceases to amaze me

[pip]

Hi lindabar. What a fantastic, caring person your daughter seems to be. She knows she has to accept her disability, even though it's something no-one wishes on anyone, it sounds as though she's aware how her behaviour affects those around her. She certainly is one out of the box. I just hope everything starts to ease for you. You will still have times when she's unable to function, but knowing she's aware of this, will make it easier. Best wishes to you and her.

[Ytsrik]

Hi Lindabar, i get what you are saying, it is the hardest thing to be the parent of a BP child. My son is 30, first episode at 22. In the good times, if they are long enough, I recover from the trauma of seeing him hospitalised, having to face his distrust of me because i helped get him to hospital, the trauma of looking at my beautiful and so loved son  and being met with the psychosis that i do not recognise as him. Then the feelings that I have not been as good as i could have been, that i have felt frustrated with him, mixed up his illness with who he is in my mind, felt that i have nothing left to give that i am totally drained of energy and , sometimes, the capacity to love him. it is so hard to continue in love and patience and kindness when that is met with suspicion, when he sees the very people who are helping him, who are , sometimes, saving his life, as the enemy. I have had thoughts of just leaving him to it at these points, but i work the scenario through and what would follow would be harder to live with. How could i live with myself if i thought that my negligence had endangered his life? 

Towards the end of a psychotic episode (now), when he is about to leave hospital and come to live with us for a while before returning to his life in Melbourne, I can feel hopeless and exhausted and inadequate in the face of such, well, actually, tragedy. It has again be proved that this is on-going, for life.

But then, once he is back to his own life and surrounded by his very good social network and excelling at his work and relationships no one would get a hint that he was ever any different. And gradually these feelings above receed and I am so proud of who he is and how he manages his life. And i think 'well, we have weathered storms in the past and we will weather them again whenever they come and wherever they come from'  over a long period of wellness I find myself thinking that it may never happen again, I allow myself to hope for that because I feel better. I have a little blue enamel butterfly broach that i wear when he is ill. I think of it as the butterfly that flew out of Pandora's box at the end after all the evil had been let into the world. Hope exists.

The other thing that helps me is that, like you, I am dealing with this despite the fear and sadness. I am still in , i have not run away and my relationship with my son despite everything is still good. This is for you and me, a huge achievement. Much love to you.