Lived Experience Forum

[Blue8]

So I am new here. I’ve been struggling a lot lately and was looking for support groups and came across this site.

I have had a bit of a rough time of life, childhood trauma and domestic violence relationships, that kind of thing. 2 years ago I said enough is enough I don’t want my life to look like this forever and I actively engaged in trying to get myself better. I’ve been medicated and in talk therapy pretty consistently throughout this time. 6 months ago I finally decided to agree to see a psychiatrist and got my diagnosis. The CPTSD was an affirmation of what I already knew - the OCD was more of a shock. Mainly due to my lack of understanding in how this can manifest. Not just obsessive behaviour but thought patterns. 
It has been hard but I have been maintaining - riding the edge of functioning to continue to work and seem “normal”. No one except for those closest to me would have been able to know anything was going on - and since those kind of people are few and far between it was manageable.

2 months ago I had 2 incidents at work - I work in the community services sector. One threat of harm to me followed a week later with a client threatening harm to themselves. This was a grenade into my carefully held together house of cards.

I have fallen apart - barely functioning, not working of course and struggling to even leave the house.

My anxiety has exploded to the point of barely being able to leave the house. Not only am I riding an emotional rollercoaster with my thoughts and feelings but the physical manifestation of my symptoms is something I haven’t experienced to this degree.

The usual suspects of course - heart racing and feeling of pressure on my chest, feeling of restricted breathing but new fun things like jumping at any unexpected noise, feeling faint and dizzy when I leave my house, digestive issues and need to go to the bathroom constantly- things I haven’t experienced before. 
I am doing all the right things, engaging with therapy, staying on medication - but the self care I know I need is harder to do - I know I struggle in this area anyway as I don’t believe I’m worth it to invest - long held schema. Then I get in the cycle of knowing I need to do it and not having the motivation or capability and then the beating myself up for not doing.

My few loved ones are doing their best to be understanding but they are a little lost in how to support me and don’t understand how crippling these symptoms can be. As I have always been “the strong one” they can’t compute that I’m falling apart and in some ways I think resent the fact I am not there for them in the ways I was before this.

anyway sorry for the long first post and rambling. I journal my thoughts but I just wanted to be heard outside of paying someone to listen and maybe have someone hear and go yeah me too.

thanks

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @Blue8 Welcome!

I feel for you. It sounds like you are doing everything you can and being really active in maintaining your wellbeing and this setback through work has left you feeling scared and unsure of what to do next. Vicarious trauma through work can be such a complex thing. Sometimes I don't even know that something has impacted me and then it comes back to haunt me, but it sounds like your experience was fairly immediate. Wondering if your work provides any support around this? 

It takes a lot of courage to reach out so thank you for being here and I hope you find the support you are looking for. There are a lot of people here who get it 😊 Take care 

[Blue8]

@Paperdaisy oh if only I had that much insight and self awareness! I kept going, clutching at the threads and wondering why they were slipping through my fingers. I’m just very lucky to have finally got myself a good GP and psychologist who helped put the pieces together and acknowledge the trigger. 
I was too busy worried about everyone else and how they were coping to look at myself. 
Unfortunately my work has a culture of you should just suck this kind of stuff up. I have been doing it for almost 20 years so everyone has their limit. Also I have found that my tolerance levels for being treated poorly have reduced since treatment - which of course should be a good thing and a therapeutic goal - but that thick skin has got me through so much I feel raw and exposed to show any sign of weakness.

thank you for your kind words and response.

[David_888]

@Blue8 

It dosnt matter if you have moments of fast heartbeat.

Make it beat to the left, that's all that matters, it will get tired in its own course.

Fill your lungs with blood. Do this exercise and it will stop asphyxiation. 

When sitting down keep your pressure above your lumber on your back. 

Otherwise you will put too much pressure on your bowels. 

There is electricity which goes against our head and creates the sub, the con and the suss.

This is always a problem. 

Learn to hate it and be here.

People who have had traumatic experiences expect that they won't have to hate the subconsuss any more because they want to go to 'non-effort' again. 

But as long as you have a head you have to hate the subconsuss. 

It's good that you notice things against your head.

Be here.

And here is with.

[tonys]

Hello @Blue8   With sadness I read your letter and Knew i was not realy equipped to respond,  but then i got to the bit about your doubts about self worth and found my pen in my hand.

 Mate ....   You work in community services.    Thats about the most honourable thing you can devote your precious life too...!     I can tell how smart and educated you are, in the way you craft your words .   Basically the opposite of me,  and its people like me that wont survive without the value and love you give out in your work and home every day.

Please don't let angry little sociopaths shape your thinking into someone other than the person you were when you first set sail,  head  held high,  to  better the world.

I run a very messy farm out in the sticks,   Selfish bullies,   we get em here to ,  and sometimes i have to get legal on their butts to protect what's mine.. ...

Your first duty of care is to yourself..

As for rambling on,     How else can you let all those bats with broken wings out,  and some sunshine back in.    I ramble all day long to any farm animal that'll listen,  till they ... fall over ,

or walk away.

Your worth is more than I can put into words,  and I hope you keep writing,  till the clouds part.

One day you will walk down to your waters edge and waiting for you will be the people that will listen and help,  because you've done the bravest thing.

Shared with a stranger.   I wish you peace.

With the Very best thoughts and intentions.                    tonys.  moonbase 1

[Blue8]

@David_888 @Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. Yes I try to remember to practice mindfulness in these moments and to breathe, breathe through it and be. 

some days it is easier than others!

[Blue8]

@tonysyou are a wordsmith in your own right mate no matter the education and dirty boots.

Thank you for uplifting my thoughts with an image of hope and kindness. 

I don’t have a whole farmyard to bore to death with my woes but my poor dog suffers between that and soothing my soul with her presence.

In appreciation

Blue

[tonys]

Hello @Blue8 .    Given that you are fighting big seas, I wasnt expecting a reply , and it shows I'm right about you.  You are always considerate and putting others first,  Caught in tornadoes, most just see constant images of themselves. 

 You are one of the hardest people to spot.

Even when your plane is going down in flames,  you manage an organized exterior sheen.

Your on the wrong end of the give and take equation,  Some one very professional needs a, sit down,  with you to help undo injustices, and im going to go way out on a limb and say ,  your work needs to foot the bill.  This is  unfair and it is not your fault.

Any way you are almost right about the muddy boots.   Swamp thing,  my dog decided my boot was breakfast and, well,.....,   i found the heel,        and a lace,  and his look is ,  guilt crossed with constipation....   Now  ,   its just      boot,   singular

Now i better say,  Im the guy thats more likely to mess it up than help...   but keep me in your back pocket and if you need to spill, vent,  chat or have a laugh.......  or cry.  Pull that scrap of paper out,         In the meantime,  Im hopeing the wise oldies about this place put their  arms around you.

It time for you to self pamper...... Music, Bubble bath and treats, phone.... off,    and don't feel like you need to reply,    You've  earned the right  to  be a bit selfish...  Very best thoughts to you. 

      over and out............     Tonys  moon base one