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Whiteknight
Senior Contributor

Bullying examined

Most of us have been a target of bullying. It can be so demoralising we can be scarred for life. It is also one of the worst experiences as we have no control over the bullies actions.

Well thats changing at a snails pace, but at least its going in the right direction.

There are many instances where we question, through poor self esteem, whether we were responsible in some way for their attacks on us. To blame ourselves isnt logical. We may have instigated the conflict by poorly choosing our words, we may have inadvertently provided the playground for the bully to play his/her games but...nothing justifies a bully to spin their craft.

Eg. In a car club years ago I had a dispute with a member on our forum. He'd claimed the model of his car was made in 1964. I disagreed and told him it was 1966 and suggested he refer to his car manual. A typical disagreement. He then sent me a private message "take some more meds you nutcase".

I spent the next 4 weeks or so stewing over if I'd provoked him, re-read the previous posts then questioned two other close members on the topic. Even their endorsement didnt lower my agitation and guilt. Then I googled his name....wow! There were many entries on google referring to similar conflicts on a fishing forum, also a community forum. I read these thoroughly and realised this fellow could go under the umbrella of confrontationalist.

That made me feel better. Once I expose such facts to myself I move on because I have a belief that such people find trouble with others wherever they go. In fact he upset many others soon after my ordeal.

We on the receiving end should not harbour guilt as long as we have not inflamed the situation with any verbal or physical abuse. No matter how civil we are towards others, conflict will come. We should, as a prevention of self hurt, maintain civility and try to accept that there is behaviour in our world that has an explanation we often dont get to realise...but it isnt the bullied that should suffer.

We can, through our mental illness, have symptoms that effect others like, moods, mania, anxiety and so on but it pales low in comparison to some actions by some in society.

Dont blame yourself if you are bullied and maintain civility, maturity and judgement that you have done nothing wrong.

WK
5 REPLIES 5
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Bullying examined

@Whiteknight  I find it incredibly difficult to forgive situations of serious unprovoked and systemic bullying. Especially when I had been rendered defenseless and without a voice with which to defend oneself at the time. I was left in a situation where others could say what they liked and I could say nothing.  When that sort of thing is condoned, and even encouraged, by management or people in charge, then it is simply unforgivable.  In fact reading this article has stirred it all up once again. I shouldnt have done.  Sorry for the rant. Woman Mad

Sherry 

 

Re: Bullying examined

In our human world its very common to fall into conflict unless we are super introverted or grovelling to management.

You can google
-paddington bear affair
- colour tv affair

In the 1980"s on both occasions customs officers tried to inforce taxes on politicians at airports for items. The pollies tried to use their power. The officers were left on sick leave. One never left his unit again. All they did was their job...properly.

Such events leave us angry and confused @Former-Member . But they happen on a regular basis, so much so that you can excuse yourself of any 100% blame.

If for example we are 50% to blame for getting ourselves in a conflict. Then we should try to be realistic and convince ourselves that we can learn by our half a mistake and they can live with theirs.

Forums come with risks. I see them are far more positive than negative. If it was reverse I wouldnt be here Sherry.

Many of us are vulnerable to controversy and are victims as a result. To accept two things can help

-s*it happens
- I'm a good person

Nothing else matters. Have faith Sherry, in yourself.

WK
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Bullying examined

Thanks for responding @Whiteknight.  I will google those articles you mentioned.

I can say that, although I am introverted, I am not super introverted.  And I have never, and will never, grovel to management.  In fact I have probably been my own worst enemy in that regard. I refuse to grovel in order to get what I am entitled, or deserve, to get.

So I guess you're saying then, that conflict is therefore common?  I beg to differ on that score.  I have worked in a variety of capacities from a very junior employee through to a senior manager.  I can honestly say that I have never felt I had been the victim of any bullying. I'm not overly 'thin skinned' and am prepared to overlook any small issues.  But I cannot claim to ever feeling like I was being bullied.  On the reverse side, I have certainly never been a bully either, and never been accused of it.  I do have my opinions.  And we always believe our own opinions to be correct .. right?  But I have never been one to force my opinions on others, and I have always made a point of listening and respecting others point of view.

I have only ever been the victim of bullying on one occasion. I was literally singled out, attacked and vilified by people I had formerly worked with in a volunteer capacity.  None of my former workmates were aware of the full story, and yet they were all very quick to judge me very publicly. I had tried to respond, but unlike my former workmates, I was sensored and silenced. I was left with no voice with which to defend myself.

I made numerous attempts to contact management to resolve the issue.  These attempts were met with stony silence or I was told to contact someone else.  Then I was completely ignored.  In the end, my calls and my emails were blocked.  Why?  I was only trying to resolve an issue before it escalated into complete war.  A war against me.  I didnt deserve that.  Nobody does.  

Yes WK you're right, it has left me very bitter, angry and confused.  If I were to blame, it was only because I tried to defend myself.  Even the law give us that right, but I was not afforded that opportunity. I have a considerable amount of deep hurt still within me over the matter, because I have never had the opportunity to express my thoughts about it. 

I am not a perennial victim of bullying.  This, I am happy to say, was a one off.  But I believe it has left a very deep and lifelong scar.  The only thing I did wrong (in managements eyes anyway) was to try to maintain my anonymity. According to management and my fellow volunteers I did an extremely good job in my volunteer support role.

I believe some of the rules have since changed, and you now need to provide proof of identity. I guess I left a legacy, of sorts? Interestingly there is no longer any evidence that I even existed there. I'm unique anyway, I'm now a 'missing user'.  Ironic aye?

The only real mistake I made was to believe management and to trust them to protect me as they assured me they would do.  That never happened, and I was figuratively shoved under a bus.

No I dont believe I'm not particularly vulnerable to controversy, but I will stand up for myself and others when I see something wrong occuring. Nor do I see myself as being a victim, at least not in this particular regard. I do accept that, in your words "sh*t happens.  It clearly does, plain and simple. Yes I believe I am a good person, and I did a lot of good whilst in that position.  I'm only sorry I was not given the opportunity to continue to do so.  But management were never going to forgive me for slipping through the cracks. Regardless, the aftermath of that ordeal continues to be a distressing period in my life.

Perhaps my opportunity to finally have an outlet here to put my hurt and distress in writing will act as a salve to my pain. That would be nice.

Thanks for taking the time to respond WK. Woman Happy  It seems you're settling in well here, and thats good to see.  Its a good place to be.

Sherry  Heart

Re: Bullying examined

@Former-Member . I cant help you with that.

Hi everyone. Have you ever bullied someone and regretted it?. If so, to help others, can you let us know why you did and what stopped you from being in that state of mind?

WK

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Bullying examined

No @Whiteknight, I haven't ever bullied anyone, and I wouldn't. I'm all too well aware of the long term damage it can inflict on someone.

I have been involved in workplace bullying however. As a manager in my workplace I was witness to incidences which had the potential to become bullying.

In my experience however, timely intervention and appropriate counselling can put a halt to bullying before it becomes a serious problem..

Sherry
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