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Senior Contributor

Arguements- the peace pipe

My wife and I stumbled on this during a squabble many years ago. I'd stormed of driving my car like a dangerous fool.

We began by introducing concrete rules when we argue. When one storms off these are the requirements

- neither party is allowed to leave the property
- no driving
- no following the other person
- allow silence
- the first person that feels like their fuming has subsided can approach the other party to offer a cuppa.
- the other person has 2 options 1. Accept the offer or 2. Reply "not yet thanks"
- when that person has settle its then their responsibility to approach the first person and offer a cuppa and so on.

The beauty of this system is that it allows for anger to subside. It also stops any risk of accidents in a car or eccess worry from a missing person. It maintains respect for space and time to reflect.

Surprisingly our system takes only 20-30 minutes to last. That is a reflection of how short anger lasts and love and care, even regret takes over.

Give it a try. Dont break the rules.

Nowadays we rarely need this peace pipe. Reason being, neither of us want to wait the 30 minutes. So we calm down and have a cup of coffee and discuss the issues calmly


Re: Arguements- the peace pipe

Hello @Whiteknight Smiley Happy

Thank you for your post. I can hear how the system of the peace pipe has had a positive influence on your relationship. It's wonderful to hear how this process has transformed over the years and by the sounds of it really supported you both towards respectful communication.

Has this process been something that was introduced to you by someone or something you have established together?

I wonder if other community members have established their own practises for dealing with conflict, reactions, strong emotions etc within relationship?

Happy posting Smiley Happy

Re: Arguements- the peace pipe

Hi @Pebbles

Its something we developed ourselves. This began following me driving away in anger. Then a fellow in our country town walked from home and a huge search followed. He was safely found- two days later!

We had to finally be sensible about it. Its a balancing act as my wife has depression so she has her own demons.

Indeed it would be interesting if other members have a formula with arguments?


Re: Arguements- the peace pipe

Hi @Whiteknight

Thanks for sharing your post.

I struggle to communicate openly with my husband.  We don't argue a lot but when we do I tend to shut up and let it go just for the sake of not having a confrontation.  I am very scared of confrontations.  Scared of fights.  

But what you do and your boundries are fantastic.  I only wish we could just sit down with a cuppa and discuss things.  We just don't and it scares me because i feel if we continue like this we will go separate ways - which i don't really want to do.

But there is so much fear and it's me.


Re: Arguements- the peace pipe

Hi bb

Every couple is different. Your fear is understandable considering your life. Men dont show fear but are usually just as worried about their future.

Its hard to break a mould of natural reactions. When someone reacts automatically it really isnt fair to criticize them for that reaction and expect change in that regard. Think about that.

If you want a discussion about issues sometimes making the cuppa for both of you and sit down. A key then is a jovial attitude "come on darling I've made a cuppa and we'll have a happy chat". See, if you tell a guy "I want to sit down with a cuppa and sort this out"...a guy will want to run away!.

My wife and I habe the advantage of both having MI. Tjatrans as soon as a comment like "I'm not feeling 100%" the other person realises the magnitude of that.

We cant expect the same from those without MI. Yes, it means that we have to rely on forums and therapy to share our problems. Not unlike a cancer patient joining a cancer patient forum. Otherwise we depend too much on our partners to react to a state of mind they cannot see nor relate to.

WK Smiley Happy

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