Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Zoe7]

Used to be @Shaz51 but not anymore. ...and Yes part of the trauma response is the need to actually be seen and heard because history has shown that hasn't happened. But part of 'recovery' also is self awareness and improvement in how we see ourselves - and no longer the need to be 'seen' in any situation. I am also very introverted and like to sit back and take in a whole situation before I respond (if at all). I have also learnt to look after myself first and you cannot be everything to everyone. I also used to be the one to contact or connect with people - now I just don't care. It needs to be a two-way street or nothing at all - that may seem harsh but the reality is if I am not important enough in someone else's life to make contact with me occasionally then that is not a friendship/relationship I need. 

As for your Mum my sister - let it wash over you because you are one of the nicest, kindest and most compassionate people I have had the pleasure to meet and get to know over the last 5 years. If you are okay with being a 'people pleaser' then so be it - that is not a negative in my eyes whether your mother wants to try to make it that way or not. You continue to do you Shaz - and know we here will continue to support and love the wonderful person you are 💖💖💖

[Dimity]

Looking after family means stepping around and compromising to look after everyone isn't always easy... hope the weather is kind to you tomorrow morning @Shaz51 . Things can be upsetting sometimes. Sending you hugs.

[Shaz51]

Yes @Dimity , fingers crossed that it won't be too hot or else one aunty will complain xoxob

[Shaz51]

Awwwww my sister xoxo @Zoe7 xoxo 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Very interesting @Jynx …..

I am not sure I am a “people-pleaser” as such, but it gives me pleasure to support others and help enable them towards their goals - but I do the same for myself.  I am patient with people who don’t appreciate what I view as my gift to them, because I also appreciate that they may not view it that way (and it’s also possible to become very arrogant about that if there is not a degree of humility - in its positive form - along with it).  Until I fell into the grip of narcissistic people, which I didn’t recognised because I was loved so much by my own family, I didn’t recognise that this sort of personality trait is highly desired by them and quickly turns to cat-and-mouse abuse cycles in the wrong hands.

Boy, it’s been a learning curve ….. how to remain true to myself, but not have my love of giving to others taken for granted and / or abused.

My greatest defender has turned out to be etiquette and protocol.  That can sound really strange, but polite delivery of “niceness” without actually engaging emotionally with the person you are giving to is hard for people to mess with, other than to be blatantly rude ….. and even then if you can muster enough grace to simply step back and walk away in a situation like that, they still haven’t actually reached you. The bad behaviour is all on them.

I have learned to reserve my emotions for my special and trusted relationships, but still wish and throw blessings around towards others, whether that is recognised by them or not.  It means a lot to me anyway.  I defiantly keep beauty as active in my world as I am able to, but I have become cautious as to how much of myself I invest towards pleasing others.

Etiquette, protocol, good grace, can be practiced as a shield as well as practiced as a whole-hearted investment.

Does that make sense ?

[Appleblossom]

I am glad Sane has put up fact sheets with this info ... I was posting stuff on random threads, but this way it will get out to more people.

Its a huge issue for me.

@Jynx 

[Jynx]

@Faith-and-Hope  yes, I think what you are saying is that you utilise politeness and diplomacy to navigate most relationships, and always put the onus of responsibility on the other person to own and manage their own behaviours. I imagine that means that you are don't put 'your whole self' into a relationship unless you deem it to be a worthy endeavour, thus avoiding the potential for people to take advantage of your niceness. Is that right?

It certainly takes practice to get to that spot! I think it's something I've had to learn through working in mental health, to be able to be accepting of someone in any given moment. It doesn't mean I accept bad behaviour towards me of course, but more that if someone is rude or disagreeable, I no longer internalise it as my fault for triggering that response in them.

[Jynx]

@Appleblossom  it can be sooo tricky to navigate, but I'm glad you have a space to talk it out 💜

[Faith-and-Hope]

Or try to fix it for them @Jynx ….. 

I have had to survive a coercive control abuse situation to learn a tough lesson @Jynx, but I feel like it has made me stronger and wiser in the longer term.  I just wasn’t able to recognise what had happened until the devaluation cycle and, of course, a brutal discard ….. which I choose to view as “freedom day” 😏

[Jynx]

That's such a beautiful take @Faith-and-Hope, and very glad you are beyond that situation now 🤗💜