my dad's getting worse 😢
kidneys packing in,
not a candidate for dialysis.
He doesn't know who I am anymore (most days, 86 vascular. dementia) so flying down to visit would be only for me, and honestly... I have PTSD thinking about doing it all again after the way I was treated by my siblings when mum died Jan'18 (not that dad will die this time but it's getting close, I've seen it so much in nursing and with other rels). I feel sorry for dad that all he has to help him is two substance abusing leaching sons and the other nassacistic misogynists strutting around making trouble behind the scenes. My older brother is now in care too with MS and related dementia, can't remember much. The grandkids are too scared to visit dad for years, in case they bump into the two bros with 'schizophrenia' diagnosis (can't handle delusion based arguments and threats). These brothers who literally cried with me there several times over MH sigma from every direction, can't see that it's their own behaviour pushing people away... All x6 off us have complex MH issues, from trauma etc - I blame mum mostly but her background was no better (inherited trauma). Good argument for putting contraception in the water supply
I'm so over the 'family' drama.
I wanna help dad cross over "surrounded by loving family" (as the media portray) but I respect myself enough to "let the dead bury the dead" after jumping into the sislions den last time. My Bro2 and sis (the supposed sane ones) so hated that I came to care for mum when she died, and stay on for my dad... (idiots!) lets see how they manage without me this time. Actually, there's not much needs doing anymore with dad in care and the home sold. You know, one day after showering dad and cleaning up and cooking and taking dad to dr... i was so tired cooking dinner... Bro2 visited, angrily 😡pointed his finger at me and had the gall to say "why are you here!?" which 😳blew me away... mum just died 😢 'mdad cant stillxare for himself, I'm still confused about his behaviour toward me then. They (my sis & Bro2 - suppos'ed 'sane' ones, team up and treat the other 3 bros like crap too, making big decisions about our parents etc without involving family... Easier I guess, but after pressuring mum to do a will in their favour, in secret, 4 days before she died, then go file for Guardianship & financial control of dad (who had no will), well, i can only presume money motivates them. I had no choice but to take control off them into an independent arbitrator (TRUSTEE!), which of cause made them more angry with me. It boggles the mind. sad, unnecessary... I hope I did the right thing there with that. They did push all my buttons as their older sister who once changed their nappies... I think it's probably best, though sad for dad, though mya blessing he's unaware. I miss dad, and mum, but maybe I just need to sit with the good memories of them now.
I'm working on a tribute slideshow for them. I don't know what else to do. They call it Anticipatory Grief I've been reading. Bit hard on my own here 😢
