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Chris
Senior Contributor

A life full of mental illness

Well it goes right back into childhood.Be seen and not heard was a common  held belief.Disfuctional family life. A mother with mental illness,but not recognised at that time.Emotional and sexual abuse. I developed anxiety around the age of seven. By the age of 14 the anxiety was much worse, and depression set in.At the age of 18, I left my home country to escape what was happening at home.didn't last long they followed me to Australia only two years later.I married and started my own family. I was determined my children would grow up differently.Then the wheels really started to fall off.My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was devastate.I buried my pain for years.But it caught up with me by way of becoming agoraphobic and extremely depressed.It was around this time that I was hospitalised for the first time. Ive lost count of how many times I"ve been in hospital.There have been numerous suicide attempts.About eight years ago I was diagnosed with Bi Polar.Its never sat well with me. But about two years ago I was in a different hospital, with a new psychiatrist, and he explained it clearer to me.Its Bi Polar 3 (there are 15 on the scale) something I never knew.I have lots of lows and no highs.There is the constant general anxiety as well as social phobia. I find it very hard to be around people, and socially interact.And this includes my immediate family

As time goes by, I find it a constant daily struggle I am so tired of it..I have no motivation. Ive puta lot   of hard work into therapy over the years. More recently I have been in DBT. I have found this helpful. What keeps me holding on? My sixteen year old granddaughter. I couldn't hurt her that way by ending it all.So I try to take it one day at a time,sometimes its minute by minute.Just how it is!

 

 

 

 

7 REPLIES 7

Re: A life full of mental illness

Dear Chris,

Welcome to the forums.

It takes a lot of courage and honesty to write openly about what you've been through, and still dealing with.

I'm so sorry for all you've suffered. I really relate to some of it too. Those experiences can all leave deep and painful scars on our bodies and psyches.

I think it's wonderful that you recognise how devastated your granddaughter would be if you did suicide, and use that to keep yourself from it. You must love her very dearly. Hold onto that. Frankly suicicde can be contagious in its own way - it can give the wrong message to others that when things feel impossible this is the only way out. I'm not suggesting it is a selfish thing to do, I've been there too many times myself to hold that illusion. But in truth this terrible feeling too will pass. When I've felt like this I remind myself how devastated I was when my brother died - I can't do that to my kids, it is just too excruciating. I'd rather carry that pain myself, a terribly hard but selfless choice.

Sorry, I'm afraid I'm not much good at this but the mods like @NikNik , @Hobbit  & @CherryBomb have a list of numbers for organisations like Lifeline - 13 11 14.

Please take care & stay in touch.

Kindest reagrds,

Kristin

PS Can you please tell me what DBT is?

Re: A life full of mental illness

Hi Chris...well come to a lovely supportive forum. I am just a contributor . Some of your history resonates with me, and no doubt with other people here as well. I had decades of mucking about with a variety of psychiatrists and a kaliedoscope of chemicals and hospitalisation, I was terrible at terminating my life, tried dozens of times but I am very pleased to be here still. I have moved country, and know the loneliness of wanting very much to be loved and loveable only to back off when there is any response....

I realised that this is my life, these are the cards I was dealt and I am not going to be a victim, because that way the b****** s will have won. Does not mean that there are hiccoughs along the way.

Re: A life full of mental illness

@Chris. Wow I can relate to your life of anxiety and depression and the Bipolar 3. I have the samething. My psychiatrist has prescribed a mood stabilizer that I am yet to try due to fear.
I too would like to know what DBT is?

Re: A life full of mental illness

DBT Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. This was developed by a lady named Marcia Linehan who had BPD. After years of treatment in psychiatric institutions, she developed DBT It subjective  in helping people manage overwhelming emotions. There are four module to this.Mindfulness (form of meditation)Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion regulation,and distress Tolerance. In each module you learn practical skills,to put into practice,

The course takes about 24 weeks attending one day a week, and you have to have your own individual therapist.I did my course through a private(psychiatric) hospital.I have done three rounds.I found the first round it was all so new and new concepts.Round two became clearer. It has also helped a great deal having a personal therapist experienced in DBT

I believe that some public hospitals (that have psychiatric services) also run DBT.From my research each facility runs it for different periods of time, and have some different requirements.

Another option book called The Dialectal Behaviour Therapy workbook

Anyone reading this and thinking of trying I strongly suggest you do some reaserch..

 

 

 

Re: A life full of mental illness

I am on mood stabilisers. My gp actually explained to me that one of the things is does is lessen the anxiety.This has proved to be the case for me as the dose has been changed a few times. But you need to speak to your Dr about it.I am aware we have to be caution talking about meds. Hope it helps

Re: A life full of mental illness

@Chris I found your post very helpful. Both of the last two. Thank you.

Re: A life full of mental illness

What keeps you holding on?

You have  a steel rod going right down the middle of you. As much as you'd like to break sometimes you just won't.

It's common in child abuse survivors.

It's how we survived.

Our mental constructs for coping might break and crumble

But in the end we are simply rteally bloody strong. 

It's a curse and a gift.

It's a curse cause sometimes we just want to give in and be eaten by the pain.

It's a gift because it means we will never commit such crimes ourselves and we just get stronger through each episode or acute period.

 

You have grand kids. That means you're old enough to know a lot more than I do.

I have a 12 yo daughter. Your example is to me a shining light of success as a human being. A decent  human being. Raised by indecency you are decent.

Thank you for providing me with hope. 

Maybe one day my lil girl will make me a grandfather. I hope to be decent by then

 

 

 

Hope endures

 

Rick

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