Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Snowdrop]

I am trying to approach another of my sons problems from a different angle. As those who have read my other story will know I have a son who suffers from depression and anxiety. He has a couple of aquantainces but no friends - and so I am the one who he constantly leans on. He does not communicate with his siblings, and only slightly with his father.

I wish I could make him see that it is sometimes his behaviour and attitudes that cause people to either not want to get attached to him, or, if they do become attached, then to be chased away. Also when he breaks friendships he BREAKS them. There is no going back, no apologies, just a feeling that once again he has been rejected and it is the other persons fault - not his. With him - if you are not with him you are against him.

I try and make the odd suggestion - but then when I hear a certain tone in his voice I know I have to back down - not suddenly change my mind, but I stop talking about or saying whatever it was.

If I feel so sad and lost when I consider his issues and listen to him - how must he fee?

How on earth can I help him, or what can I do to help him get back to some sort of 'level' where he can find joy in things, and maybe even laugh once in a while.

I'm tired and I feel so useless and down because - I know I can't solve his issues - I'm not looking for that answer. If his medication and doctors can't make a difference then I know I have no hope of doing so. But surely there must be a way of helping him.

Yes I am 'there' for him and he knows that and I know that he understands and appreciates that. But that doesn't make up for the lack of other people he can chat to or spend time with.

How do certain depressed people make and keep friends when all it will take from one of them is a comment that my son will see is 'against' him and then that person will never be spoken to again. Or my son will put forth his opion in such a way that the 'friend' will break any friendship that existed.

One of my children says one of his big problems is he has a feeling of expectation - as though he is owed good things and friends etc and they feel that his part of his depression stems from that - as in when it doesn't work.

I don't know - I feel that it is the other way around but my children think that I only say this because then I can excuse his behaviour.

I'm lost - so I'm trying to come to his issues from another direction.

Look forward to hearing either from carers or people who have a similar issue - but who maybe are more 'aware' of what is happening than my son.

Kind Regards

[Appleblossom]

I have had a slightly different situation with my son being generous and taken for granted in relationships. 

Our sons are lucky that we have motherly instincts and close listening skills .. but I think that it doesnt hurt to mention that a mum put up with things that others wouldnt and dole out your time and understanding in a way to help him realise that he needs to pull weight in realtionships. 

I also make it known how boring I am and that there are good things in life to be had .. 

There is no right way .. its all delicate negotiation .. We dont want our loved ones to be the manipulator or the manipulatee.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks Appleblosson

I also do not want my son to be a maniupulator or manipulatee - one is cruel and one is on the receiving end of that cruelty.

My son does not see things in shades of grey but in black or white. If you are not with him you are against him. How can this be changed if it is a genuine part of their nature - I think that is the crux of the matter! How do you help someone see that there are many shades of grey and that things are not always 'right or wrong' - but what he may see as right I may genuinley see as not quite right.

He doesn't do this on purpose to be awkward (I know that), it is part of his nature.

If I see that my opinions are going against what he thinks I will move slowly forward with my opinion, but there usually comes a point where I know I will do best to be quiet. I do not change and agree with him (I'm not that spineless), but I make the decision to not go any further.

Friends of course do not have these boundaries, neither do siblings. They are more than willing and able to just continue with their opinion, believeing (rightly so), that they are entitled to their opinion even if it is the opposite of what my depressed son believes.

I think I could cope with this if I could just completely believe that being lonely, having no friends, etc is the way it is and thats that. But I can't.

In all this, and as I have said before, I see before me a son with several diagnosed mental issues who is finding it hard to cope with his illness and his lonliness, but who despite this - thank God, manages to keep working and caring for himself.

As he says - How I wish that I had someone to come home to at night, someone who would just say 'How Was Your Day'. That is what I wish for him too.    

[Appleblossom]

Sorry, I didnt mean him @Snowdrop

but they are ways of talking about difficult behaviours ..

and in a family we often see different aspects .. of personalities and interactions 

Glad that he is still working .. that has lots of positive spin offs

Some people are very defensive .. which can amplify black & white thinking .. 

It takes effort doesnt it .. listening and being aware of their subtle responses... and choosing not to pursue things that could generate conflict .. I have turned myself almost ..  iinto a pretzel at times ..

Solitariness has some consolations .. 

The best way I have to diffuse B&W thinking is introducing a 3rd point of view.. not pushing it .. or demanding agreement .. but letting them drop in the conversation .. its helpful to stop escalation .. 

[Snowdrop]

Thanks for replying so promptly Appleblossom. I do feel lost, and alone and at wits end, so it is good to know that someone is at the end of my messages and giving their thoughts and feelings.

I appreciate it. Will answer your comments later - have a husband who needs help fixing a broken washing machine.

Kind regards

[Shaz51]

Hello @Snowdrop

how did your washing machine go -- all fixed i hope

how are you today ?? been thinking of you  today

[Determined]

Good morning @Snowdrop

I know this is an older post but I saw it for the first time last night and couldn't stop thinking about your story.

Unfortunately I am not in a position to offer much advice because my situation is different but wanted you to know my heart goes out to you, your son and what you must be going through.

I am caring for a wife with BPD and know how hard that is but some how feel it would be so much harder supporting a child with MI.

We have three young children two of which have their own special needs, also I worry constantly around their future given the family history of MI and I can see the potential for me to be telling a similar story to yours with one of my sons in years to come based on his devoloping personality, and as a parent I cant help but feel a level of responsibility  (right or wrong) on top of love and the compassion required to help them navigate life.

Really trusting things have picked up for you and your family since first sharing and as a fellow parent and carer wishing you all the best.

D

[Gilgamesh]

You write incredibly well.

As a person who was a psychotic self-harmer as a child I have the experience of what your son does. Unfortunately I don't have any recommendations... I grew out of my anti-social tendencies.

Does your son let you know how important you are to him or does he take you for granted?

[SGde3a]

Hi Snowdrop,

You said he see's things in black or white - right/wrong, and wont engage in a proper discusion and fact finding in a soft social way but you said "I do not change and agree with him (I'm not that spineless), but I make the decision to not go any further." You can't have things either all your way or not at all, yourself.

Part of depression is Trust. There are a couple of traits that make a person social/antisocial. Most if not all are glorified in movies/tv as 'epic drama' and you can accidentally pick them up.

Most people express at least one from time to time, but its a give away if a person has 90% of them consistently.

Antisocial traits:
-Speaking broadly, never specifying details or facts, and is inflexible ("everyone knows...or else they're a...").
-Speaking about bad news only, unimportant critisism, coy, hostile
-Adds drama to ordinary / happy communication
-Repells ideas on taking it easy and lightening up
-Crippled/barely succeeding friends around them
-Blames the wrong person/target
-Gives up on positive ideas/projects easily
-Speaks about alarming things with no responsibilty attached to it
-Supports heavy/destructive/unhelpful groups, instead of easy going groups (eg. oprah)
-Supports heavy/destructive/unhelpful actions covertly as "help"
-Helping others genuinely with no ill meaning is laughed upon
-Considers other peoples property as 'anyones'.

So to look at increasing his happiness you would make sure there's no one around him - friends, family, workers with too many of those. Trust increases happiness by a long way.

[Greylady]

Hi Snowdrop,

I found your post as I was searching the net for ideas on how to help my son. Your story is almost identical to mine, and so I have no answers either, I'm sorry to say.

It felt strange to find that my son is not the only one living desperately alone because he has broken with all of his friends. Usually because they've said something that he doesn't agree with. Like your son, there's no going back, it's black and white, friendship over. Making new friends is hard, he says he can tell when he meets someone, it's not going to turn into a lasting friendship, so why bother. 

Any break ups are the other person's fault, and if I mention that maybe he could look at their responses differently and discuss with them, I'm blaming him for the break up.

My son has Schizophrenia and manages well considering, but the depression and loneliness is unbearable and breaks my heart. I am 'there' also, and although he gets frustrated with me at times, I know he appreciates having someone to talk to.

As he says, it's just not enough. Going home to an empty house everyday, is very painful. He says he doesn't think he'll make it, as life is just too hard. The world is against him.

Like you, I want to help him but, I just can't think how I can.

Thank you for posting, thus is the first time I've shared my feelings as my extended family haven't been close to the situation so it upsets them I think. I'm on my own and my son is an only child.

I hope that there have been more 'good days' since your post.