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EternalFlame18
Casual Contributor

Please help - bipolar, scizoaffective or else?

Hi everyone, 

 

I want to share my story with you. And I would really appreciate your comments, tips or guidance.

 

I moved to Germany together with my husband 4,5 years ago. 4 years ago we had our little miracle come into this world, our daughter. It was the best thing that had ever happened to us, after all we've been through in our lives...it was a very long awaited child, a true gift. Everything finally started making sense, all the tough times seemed to be behind, and we were so happy despite being sleepless  And here it started. 

 

Bit by bit I was “drowning". Postpartum depression they told me. I was so demotivated, so disconnected from this world, from my family. I felt ashamed for not being able to do simple things like calling a doctor’s office, taking care of the bills and so on. I felt worthless. I felt ashamed for not feeling happy, for not wanting my husband, for not enjoying life despite all the things happening around me. I was getting deeper and deeper under my shell. The world was blurry and at some point things started feeling unreal. 

 

We were sleepless for 1,5 years in a row. My husband said that it couldn’t go on like that anymore, and began to rescue me and us from the zombie land. I stopped breastfeeding, he took care of the daughter’s night sleep. Bit by bit, it took us about 6 months to recover more or less, but depression was still there. With a great push and help of my family I started working again, they feared that otherwise things would’ve got critical for my mental health. I started a completely new role - from previously customer supporting role to the proactive one, working in sales. Things felt quite stressful and new. A few months after the job's start, I began to feel changes within me. I felt kind of superior to other people, super self assure, my self esteem and belief in myself were as high as never before. I had lots of energy like never before. I started sleeping less (could be 4 hours vs “a post must have 8-9, and no issues)", dressing more sexy, began to attract attention from people, and enjoyed this state quite a lot. Life seemed to be blossoming. All of a sudden I learned how to laugh - I never really laughed in my life, just smiled, as if I wasn’t physically able to. All of a sudden there I was laughing. I didn’t find it strange, I found it awesome. Then I met someone. It was a formal meeting in the first place (we’re in the same industry). Then he started telling me about polygamy and other bullsh…For some reason my brain accepted this information. It felt like I was on a constant high, not criticising things, taking everything easy, not taking into consideration serious and important things that we were discussing with my husband at that time. All in all it felt as if I was 15 or so. Then we started chatting. The world of polygamy, sex chats, cheating, porn, phantasies, ideas etc. - felt as if there was a second me that was living in that world. 

 

Before I was the kind of person who preferred not to lie, it was simply too stressful and felt so wrong, that I would worry about a little lie like crazy. However this time it was different. I lied like a professional poker player. I was lying to my family's face all the time. Making things up so fast and naturally. The complexity of my lies was pretty high. During 1 year after I met this person I did terrible things… Lying, cheating, self admiration, photos&videos of myself, masturbation in different places, living in a phantasy world, not paying attention to my family, again lies lies lies…and oh cheating with more than just that guy. It felt as if there was a hungry beast was sitting inside of me. I was remorseless, cold, hunting, playing…All in all during the past year I had 5 men, 3 of which I slept with (2 times unprotected!), 2 kissed. The beast was unstoppable and was growing and getting more and more hungry. I was scared to death and excited at the same time. I told myself more and more often that I have to stop all this, but I couldn’t. The more I told myself that I have to stop, the worse it got.. to the point of being unbearable - all my mind would get filled 100% with the idea of chats, phantasies etc.

 

Then my husband found out. I felt pretty crazy - it was a conference in our home town, and lasted 2 days. Day1 I slept with one guy, day 2 with another guy and in the evening flirting with the third one. In the meantime our daughter was sick. I didn’t think about anyone, didn’t think about any risks, just some crazy ideas of having sex with these people swirling in my head. He was devastated. We spoke several days non stop. He was trying to find out the truth, and I just wouldn’t let it all out. It was about 20 stories in total that I told him, releasing more important details as I went. I still felt hyper sexual at that point in time, still checking out men on the streets, still feeling like texting that guy. It took my husband some time to get me out of there. It was him to suspect me being ill. After going to a psychiatrist I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and started taking meds. After a few weeks on medication I started feeling a bit better, closer to normal. 

 

We’ve been together with my husband for 18 years, and we’re the only family we’ve got (no relatives, no real friends). I broke his heart and betrayed my family... Now we’re divorcing and I question myself all the time - Why did I do it all? Why didn’t I stop/confess? Now I’m in the phase where I’m so deep under water, that I can’t see any bits of light. Sometimes, once every two weeks or so, I get out of there, it feels like jumping out of the water: again having lots of energy, loads of optimism and great mood all of a sudden, start believing in myself, have an increased productivity at work, increased libido and desire to dress up etc. It usually lasts 1-2 days, and then I drown again quite suddenly and rapidly. Apart from that I also have a strange paranoia that all men out there want to either sleep with me or have no good intentions. I get very overwhelmed by sounds and people very fast, communication is difficult. I’m also like a walking juke box, the loads of tracks playing and rotating in my head are wearing me off. It started a year ago and it just got much worse. And oh, I feel as if I have no personality, that I’m a walking blank disc. Most of the days I feel completely disconnected from the world, and feel no emotions at all. I’m sure this all isn’t normal, but have no clue what exactly is the reason. What scares me is that this strange condition is getting worse, and I have no answers so far...  

 

I know I’ve said a lot. Sorry there’s been so much on my mind. I desperately need to understand: 

 

1) if it was just hypomania, why didn’t I stop? ( I had no hallucinations or super rapid speech, they think it’s bipolar II)

2) how come my family didn’t notice any weird behaviour at home, I was a “perfect” liar

3) how could my husband stop mania just with conversations (it was very tough but still, I thought that normally one in mania doesn’t stop without meds, and goes all the way to the abyss until he ends up in a hospital)

4) why in the world didn’t I direct my hyper sexuality onto my husband, why did I need to cheat?

5) what can be happening with me apart from bipolar if bipolar at all? There's an ongoing scizoaffective disorder theory one of my doctors is having...

 

Really appreciate your comments.

9 REPLIES 9

Re: Please help - bipolar, scizoaffective or else?

 

Hi @EternalFlame18

 

Welcome to the Forum and thanks for sharing your story. 

 

I hope that you will find the forums to be a supportive place for exploring all these issues. Just a tip, if you are replying to someone or wanting to notify or touch base with someone, place an @ before their username, as in @EternalFlame18

 

All the best

Joe The Lion

Re: Please help - bipolar, scizoaffective or else?

@EternalFlame18 Hi and welcome EternalFlame18 to the forums 🙂 firstly I have an admission I have bipolar 1 and schizo and the concentration of a seive (due to my trauma) so I was not able to read through all of your words it will take me a few days to do that (which I will just give me some time). 

 

I also had pre and post partum depression and everything that goes along with that. Then when I got sick no one close helped ( a bone of contention between me and family). I am still getting over the terrible things that I did (much of which I can only remember in waves. My memories come and go again like the tide. In and out again). Try not to worry about what 'you did' you are only human and were sick during that period of time . Although from my experience it is easier said than done.

 

I am also now divorced (was still very ill at the time of the divorce) but am friends with  my ex again even though he fully doesnt understand my illness.  

 

The damage this mental illness does is huge in my opinion. Do you have a good psychiatrist and are you on the right medications? Both those things are paramount in getting better. Your ex I am sure will come around in time once he understands the illness more and sees you working at getting yourself better.

 

This is a very kind and caring group here who are non judgemental so feel free to join our chat rooms or post on some of the more serious sites. You will never be alone on here. Tag me and ask me anything you like I would be more than will to help if I can. Take care. greenpea 🙂 xx

 

 

Re: Please help - bipolar, scizoaffective or else?

@EternalFlame18 Just a thought .... my humble opinion only

 

1) if it was just hypomania, why didn’t I stop? ( I had no hallucinations or super rapid speech, they think it’s bipolar II).  I am not a psychiatrist but bipolar is a illness that needs to be medicated. You or I would be too sick to stop it. This is why medications were invented. Don't beat yourself up about it. I would question bpII diagnosis if I were you.

 

2) how come my family didn’t notice any weird behaviour at home, I was a “perfect” liar My mother knew something was wrong but still did nothing. I had to have a full mental breakdown and end up in hospital. Cannot answer that one ...

 

3) how could my husband stop mania just with conversations (it was very tough but still, I thought that normally one in mania doesn’t stop without meds, and goes all the way to the abyss until he ends up in a hospital). I agree with you on this. It will be interesting to see if the diagnosis remains bpII for you.

 

4) why in the world didn’t I direct my hyper sexuality onto my husband, why did I need to cheat? You were sick. It is the illness not you. Try to forgive yourself.

 

5) what can be happening with me apart from bipolar if bipolar at all? There's an ongoing scizoaffective disorder theory one of my doctors is having...I have shizo and what you say does sound like it to me but I am no doctor ...  you have no voices inside your head either?? I have voices inside and outside my head.

 

I hope my lil bit above has helped. Take good care of yourself. greenpea xx

Re: Please help - bipolar, scizoaffective or else?

@greenpea thank you so much for replying and for sharing your opinion.

Regarding treatment. I'm not sure the scheme I received so far is the best for me, as well as I'm still lacking proper diagnostic. So I'm still in a process of finding both the doctor and the proper medication. 

 

It looks like we have similarities in our situations... Could you maybe share your symptoms back then during the manic episode, as well as after it was over? What are your scizoaffective symptoms? How did they diagnose you, what were the tests/ diagnostic means?    

 

I don't hear voices, just music or stuff I heard during the day like voices from TV. All this is internal rotating like crazy and driving me nuts. It was just once that after a very stressful day on top of music I began to hear the voice of my boss repeating the same sentence, but it was internal, and it was something he said before during the day when we spoke, so don't think that this qualifies as hearing voices. 

 

 

Re: Please help - bipolar, scizoaffective or else?

@EternalFlame18 Hi EternalFlame18 it took awhile for me to get the correct diagnosis (3 years) and a couple of psychiatrists as well on top of that. If you are not happy go and start looking around but in saying that it can take awhile for a psychiatrist to give a diagnosis however frustrating it is for the patient.

 

 Could you maybe share your symptoms back then during the manic episode, as well as after it was over? What are your scizoaffective symptoms? How did they diagnose you, what were the tests/ diagnostic means?    I was totally off the rails I do not remember 90% of what I did but the parts that I do come back to me like waves on a beach with the tide. Some are so frightening I cannot cope with it hence the trauma diagnosis. My psychiatrist says my mind is protecting itself by forgetting huge chunks of my life during my manic period which lasted about 18 months on and off. 

* I hear voices inside and outside my head

* my body gets taken over by my voice (hard to explain but if it happens to you - which I hope it never does - you will know exactly what I mean).

It has taken 3 years to get the right diagnosis through observation and medication and only recently trauma has started to be discussed. Although the precurssor to all of this was violence in the home with my son but that is another story.

 

It will take time. If you are happy with your team of doctors stick with them. Take your medication. Be gentle with yourself and means to forgive yourself. Some people may never forgive you but that is okay you do not have to wear it. I will be hear to talk whenever you want. Love greenpea

Re: Please help - bipolar, scizoaffective or else?

@greenpea, thank you so much for replying and for sharing your experience. How did they diagnose you and determine that it's type 1 bipolar? What are the schizo symptoms that you're having? What were your symptoms during mania? Were you able to stop yourself or someone helped you to stop?

Re: Please help - bipolar, scizoaffective or else?

@EternalFlame18 Hi EternalFlame18 I am more than happy to share my experience in hoping that it helps you through your journey with mi.

 

Okay ... 

How did they diagnose you and determine that it's type 1 bipolar?  It was my dramatic mood swings from manic to depressive plus me having psychosis (hearing voices etc). I never heard music but I heard voices talking or screaming.

 

What are the schizo symptoms that you're having? This is the cross over between bp1 and schizoI gets blurred I would hear voices and hallucinate. Schizoaffactive disorder is basically schizophrenia with a mood disorder.

 

What were your symptoms during mania?  you wouldnt believe it if I told you ... I was totally off my rocker ... I would walk out of the house at 3am by myself to various places because my voice told me to. I Would buy all this stuff (Bipolar1) spend a fortune on junk for a boyfriend who existed in my head .... I would sh because he told me too. Totally bonkers bananas ...

 

Were you able to stop yourself or someone helped you to stop? No I could not stop because I was too sick I didn't realise I was sick lol ...and often family seemed unaware of what was going on. My daughter helped me enormously when I am really off the rails but it is the meds for me .... getting the meds right is the key for me staying sane. God I hope this helps you. greenpea xx

Re: Please help - bipolar, scizoaffective or else?

@greenpea Oh dear, thank you for sharing this, I do wish you all the best.

I fear that I'm being misdiagnosed here regarding schizoaffective, I don't hear any voices, just music, and I also have no hallucinations, at least I think if I did someone would have noted it already.   

Re: Please help - bipolar, scizoaffective or else?

What you need to do is find a trusted psychiatrist that you can relay the information about your episode to, in order to get a more accurate diagnoses, remember mental health and diagnoses are still a grey area according to every health professional I talk to.  I was talked into a diagnoses of schizophreniform, however the psychiatrist i saw once said it was a cop out diagnoses and schizo-affective is a better fit, I have checked the symptoms and agree because I had a fews nights of no sleep and went on a 40-50km unplanned walk one day and thats when I ended up missing and admitted to hospital.  One sobering thought is that they may not have an accurate diagnoses but the treatment is probably the same is wat a close school friend who's a psychologist said to me.

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