Lived Experience Forum

[Kalliades]

Hey, hope everyone's doing well. I've been in a pretty good space for the last few months and haven't visited the forums in a while. Feel a bit ordinary for coming back to ask for advice when I didnt bother sticking around to give any in return. Hope you can forgive me.

So I'm 27, never had a girlfriend or even been on a date. I've tried internet dating a bunch of times and exchanged messages with girls but its never gone any further than that until about a month or so ago when a girl gave me her number. We've talked on the phone a few times and I even told her a little about my depression and anxiety which I've never really talked to anyone about other than doctors. I think a part of me wanted her to say she wasnt interested, to confirm my belief that I'm meant to be alone so that I could get back to comfortable isolation. But she didnt. She was kind and understanding and wanted to keep talking to me.

Since then I havent been able to stop thinking about her. If I text her and she doesnt message me back for a couple of days, I convince myself that shes moved on, found someone better and I'm miserable. Then we talk again and I'm over the moon.

I havent even met her yet, (we plan to in the next couple of weeks) and I know that at this stage all we are is two people just getting to know each other, nothing more. She's even told me that she's talking to another guy as well. I know that its the idea of a relationship, the dream of being in love that I'm obsessed with, I dont know her well enough for it to be anything else. But what I know and what I feel are entirely seperate things. Chances are she isnt going to be 'the one' and I dont know how I'm going to cope when it all comes crashing down.

Can anyone relate?

[Former-Member]

Hello @Kalliades

Firstly, welcome back, well done for taking time away from the forums and using other strategies which sound like they have been helpful.

No room for guilt. This is not a place where, once visited, you are not allowed to leave, you must respond to every single post. I am not belittling you in the least. I am actually thinking, as I write, I need to heed my own words. I can't save everyone!!

Dating even without a mental illness, from what I have read and heard worldwide, creates exactly the feelings that you are descibing.

I like that you have been very open and honest with her upfront about your illness. You recognise that it is a part of you, certainly not all of you.

You mentioned that "She's even told me that she's talking to another guy as well."  She is being honest with you too.

I am old enough to be your grandmother, so speaking from a nana point of view. Enjoy the expectation, hope, warm fuzzy feelings. Take it very slowly. Conversation by conversation. Try to contain that huge yearning that you have for a relationship. If you can listen carefully to what she is telling you and be guided by that. Until you actually meet and have several dates, checking out any physical attraction as well as feeling comfortable in each other's presence, it is still a friendship.

Some friendships blossom some dont. If this one does, wonderful. If it doesnt do not feel that you have failed. Some people come into our lives only for a short time, others longer, some never leave. You will not know the answer until you go through the stages.

Be patient and at the same time enjoy the fact that you have someone's interest.

please keep writing. i hope that i have not discouraged you, dampened your thoughts in any way. I want only to help in guiding you through this new journey.

[Kalliades]

Thanks Nan 😉 haha. Seriously though, that was really helpful. After years of therapy you think I would of realised that the worst thing I could do was try to not feel my feelings. Maybe if I try a little harder to accept my feelings, I might be able to enjoy the experience as you said. Thanks again, I'm feeling a bit better about it already.

[Former-Member]

Yes Kallides
I'm nearly 45,never met Mr Right,had a few delusional idiots chase me,last year the bloke who moved my furniture declared his feelings for me,because I have had severe depression I could not separate the feelings of "mutual connection",to just feeling lonely plus other factors.Last week I agreed to" give it a go".He told me he loved me on the phone I told him not to say that as it was agreed we were just going to try.I couldn't say I loved him because it wasnt true,to me this is inappropriate when you are just getting to know each other.I would have to mean it.He came up the day before yesterday and I just knew "it wasn't there",a friendship yes but I knew I had to tell him because I asked him before he left "was it there"and he said it was.It was for him, it wasn't for me and I had to tell him yesterday because I didn't want to hurt him.I have been down since.I have had crushes on men as well,it's only natural for us to be like everyone else and dream of "the one".I talked with the above bloke since last March on and off on the phone,I didn't know what to think and there were times he ignored me because I didn't reciprocate the feelings.I understand,the loneliness and disappointment is hard.But you are only 27,and you will meet someone,whether it's this girl or someone else.It's hard with my anxiety and depression because it confuses my feelings and judgement.All I can say is if it's not there don't keep it going for the wrong reasons and respect her if it's not there for her.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Kalliades @Former-Member

I am so relieved that I didn't put you off.

I am actually closer to mum than nana I realised last night. So ma, or nana whatever as my older son used to say.

The subject is delicate, as is the starting of a new friendship, new relationship.

Yes acknowledge your feelings then set them aside safely.

Main thing is dont be in a hurry, talk , listen intently, meet, talk, listen and relax. take everything slowly, at the same time respecting one another.

enjoy making new friends

[Former-Member]

Trouble with the bloke I rejected two days ago is that he ignores me now so I lose the friendship too.I guess that it's his problem but it still does hurt.You also question if you "led them on",and I feel guilty for" my yes I will give it a go",then back out a week later but I hope I now know the confused feelings I had are now sorted.I have seen many who go in a fantasy about love,we do it for many reasons,including giving us hope ,escape reality etc,but I could never do it.I have to do it because I am genuinely in love.When he came two days ago I live with my elderly mother.Within 5 minutes I was meeting the needs of the both of them.I haven't the energy for that and realised he was just someone else I'd be running for.Its harder when you are older too,you get set in your ways.I agree with mohill and if it's not there,you can't make it

[utopia]

@Kalliades. Welcome back. No need to worry about not giving back. Often just by posting a question - or your experiences - you are helping others.
@Zoe7 and I have recent experience with opening our hearts to someone new.
It can be scary at any age - with or without MI.
It sounds wonderful that you and this girl are comfortable enough to be honest with each other. That is a great foundation for a true friendship or more. And it takes 'guts' to be that vulnerable. Well done.
It's hard not to dream of what may be. It's human nature. So I say, dream away. Enjoy these feelings. Enjoy this experience.
If after meeting and going on a few dates, either of you decides not to turn this friendship into a romantic relationship, that is okay too. You will survive any hurt. And you would have learnt that you ard capable of opening your heart and loving someone. It may be a stepping stone to meeting the right one.
On the other hand, your friendship with this girl, may well progress into love.
How wonderful for you.
Try to enjoy this experience. Listen to what she says. Not what you want to hear.
I wish you all the best.

[pip]

Hi guys. In a bit of a spot myself with someone I thought was my bf. I met him on another forum and we exchanged hours of convo's via email. He betrayed me to our manager (who was mine also for a while). The manager has dispensed with me, but so-called bf remains on the forum in his same position. I did question bf's motives for the betrayal, he basically laughed and no more contact. The manager has been led to believe I initiated the relationship, ex- bf innocent victim. I have since emailed manager to inform him ex-bf initiated relationship. I really loved ex-bf, believed the feeling was mutual.

[utopia]

Oh @pip I'm so sorry. I'm guessing this is G you are talking about.
Is it the chat room manager he spoke to - or your work manager?
When did this happen? I'm sorry I wasn't there when this was going on. I had to take time off in Nov / Dec last year to deal with the palliative care and passing of a good friend of mine (my other mum).
Do you want to talk about this? I'm here.

[pip]

Hi @utopia. Yes, it is G, I'm still reeling. It was the chat room manager that was informed, he emailed me to say I was no longer welcome as champ although I was still welcome on the forums. I don't know whether G told him, or G told someone else and they 'blew the whistle'. It would appear it was a 3rd party. I also suspect G has another gf. I have not seen any proof of the offending emails to G, but he did admit to telling another person about 'us'. I have requested the proof. I had been reinstated as champ for about a week. I was 'dumped' on Tuesday last. I did ask G why, and all I got was 'sorry'. I miss him so much it hurts.