Lived Experience Forum

[Nikolai]

Hi everyone.

I've struggled with alcohol for quite a while, and managed to stay sober for most of this year.

However, recently I have started drinking in small amounts and of course it is a slippery slope from there.

I had quite a lot last night, and don't remember much of the night now. I always wake up with an incredible amount of shame the next day, even if I haven't done anything particularly bad I just obsessively worry that I have said something to embarrass myself or people close to me.

I feel like when I drink it seems to affect me more than other people around me, not in a way that I can't hold the alcohol well, just the change in my personality feels more dramatic. I have BPD and I feel like the mood swings and issues with personal identity and perceived abandonment are intensified by the alcohol.

Does anyone find the same thing ? Where alcohol or drugs affect you more than other people because of the MI? Or do they do the reverse and mellow them out ?

[Former-Member]

I'm glad you posted this @Nikolai because I've been tossing up whether or not to make an alcohol thread on here for ages and now you've done it. I don't have BPD but I do find I'm more likely to SH... and do other unsafe things when I drink a lot. I also have difficulty with stopping, once I start.

I tried to give it up altogether but that didn't go too well so now I'm trying to control/limit it, with varying levels of success day-to-day. I relate to the shame thing 

[Nikolai]

Hi @Former-Member

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it.
You mentioned you don't have BPD, do you mind if I ask what you do have ? I don't mean to be intrusive I just have a couple of diagnoses and I thought the BPD would be the most likely to be affecting me in this situation.

I feel you there with trying to completely abstain, it is really difficult. And I try and limit it as well, if I only have one or 2 everything is fine. Once I go past that I tend to keep going and that's where the problems start.

[Sahara]

Hi @Nikolai,

I suffer from anxiety and depression, but at present I am no longer depressed. I have used and abused alcohol since I was 17 years old.

I don't believe alcohol makes my personality change at all. I just makes me feel very, very relaxed, which is why I am tempted to drink so often. It pretty much works better for my anxiety than any other perscription drug I have ever tried.  

Alcohol makes you lose your inhibitions, so I guess drinking could allow you to access your emotions more easily. If you have a lot of unpleasant emotions that you usually keep under control, then alcohol could prehaps bring them to the surface, uninvited.

As for the obsessive worry you experience the next day... I can absolutely relate to that. Alcohol effects your blood sugar levels and that kind of obsesseve worry is usually something triggered by low blood sugar. If you can, drink some orange juice in the middle of the night and then drink some more O.J. first thing in the morning and then eat something. I find this helps a lot.  Once your blood sugar is under control, the worry should subside. 

But the best thing to do is avoid alcohol all together if you can! I am currently on day 3 of sobriety and I feel really good at the moment. My anxiety levels are way down. 

Prior to that, I had been drinking 1 or 2 drinks a day for about 4 or 5 days running. I am not a big drinker... it's just that I use alcohol for all the wrong reasons. I treat it as a medicine. 

You might want to talk to your G.P. about your drinking and how it could effect your medications. Are you taking any medications at the moment?

[Nikolai]

Hi @Sahara

Thanks for your reply

I'm glad that your depression is under control 🙂

I agree with your statement about emotions, I guess being BPD I put so much effort into trying to regulate my emotions as much as possible (well, more accurately regulate the emotions I show to others, they are definitely still there on the inside). Once the alcohol gets in it would make sense that with the loss of inhibitions, my guard would come down a bit and perhaps it is harder to keep up the facade.

Thanks for the tips, I will be sure to try them out.

I am medicated, and my psychiatrist has already told me I need to limit my alcohol consumption whilst medicated. He has suggested I remain below 0.05, and I am usually pretty good with it, however as I mentioned once I go past 1 or 2 drinks it turns into a bottle.

[Sahara]

Yes, @Nikolai, I am the same, once I have 3 drinks, I may as well have 4, then I may as well finish the bottle. I am sure I will drink a lot at Xmas time and I am in the process of working out how I can avoid drinking completely on that day. 

I have already purchased 8 bottles of bubbly for Xmas, as I have family coming! I want them to be able to have a drink and enjoy themselves. They all drink... not one tea-totter amongst us. I will be very tempted to drink a lot. 

One thing I have to say is that I rarely ever get a hang-over, which is one of the reasons I have yet to give up drinking. I just don't suffer in that way... I do get a bit tired and a bit dry, but seldom a hang-over. 

The other thing is.... I am so completely emotionally repressed most of the time that even drinking alcohol does not make me emotional. It would be funny if it weren't so tragic. 

[Nikolai]

My family are quite heavy drinkers too @Sahara, with a few alcoholics in my immediate family. Chrismas I expect will be much the same for me, however quite often when the family is together, alcohol fuels some of the bad blood there is under the surface, and old arguments open up again.

Do you find this is the case for your family too? Or are they well behaved?

It's really a lose-lose situation, I either drink and become part of it, or I stay sober and be an incredibly uncomfortable witness.

Gotta love Christmas.

[Eggshellntiptoe]

Hey @Nikolai,

You story is similar to mine. Well done for going without drink for so long. The fact you had a few last night should not take your achievements away. Good on you.

See how your feeling now???? Remember this is why you choose not to drink!!!!

I have nearly stopped drinking for a year untill last week when I had a little drink. Woke up the next day feeling like sh*t and said MMMM now I remember why I give this sh*t up.

Im a happy drinker... the drink comes back to haunt me a couple of days later by experienceing Dark Sides of my BPD.

Remember. Alcohol is a cheap and nasty drug it is not what the majority of people or, our society claim it to be. Yes it is fun to drink, I like drinking but my mind does not cope. sounds like yours is the same.

I look at people who hit the grog pretty hard. I say to myself they appear to cope okay..... The reality is a significant majority of people who drink are having issues. it just appears at the time they are coping okay.

I come from a family of drinkers, work in the mining industry where the little bit of free time was drinking. now I am getting older I can see the real facts. Alcohol is fun to drink but..... it is a cheap and nasty drug that can really screw with your mind. I cannot garantee I will never have a drink at some point again. I am trying to stay away from the crap as it messes with my head and my family. 

Sounds like your struggling mate. The grog on top screws up the natural feel good chemicals in your head.

In my case I get a large rush of feel good chemicals when drinking. it then feels like it takes me about 3 or four days to get them back. This is a real problem for me as I have BPD and struggle with life as it is.       

Alcohol is Cheap, it is glamourised in advertising, weather it is a $40 carton of beer, a $40 bottle of Rum or a $500 bollar bottle of supposed 8 year old Burbon with a fancy label. The drug in all these items is the same and can be produced for a few cents. Dont let it get the better of you.     

 Yes alcohol does not make your BPD better.   

[Former-Member]

@Nikolai,My primary dx is DID but also PTSD and ASD. I completely relate to the 3 drinks thing. If I drink slowly through the day it's fine but if I have 3 in a short period, that's when I'm not able to stop. 

I've decided that I can't, or I don't want to, stop altogether. I need it to relax after work (I know there are other ways to relax but they're not the same) so I need to try and take the good from it, and avoid the bad. It's quite difficult and the regret the next day is not fun.

[Nikolai]

@Eggshellntiptoe,
You're definitely right, its great at the time, but my mind definitely does not cope well with it. 

I really appreciate your perspective on the issue, and you have offered some great advice. It's not worth the week of feeling emotionally unstable for the few hours of drinking, thats for sure
I hadn't really thought that it may be affecting other people much more than it appears to.

@Former-Member,
I am the same, drinking slowly and it's fine but it seems if I have say 3 drinks within an hour or two it ends up with me going on a bender.

Hard too, because I genuinely love beer & red wine, not because of the alcholic properties but I really love the taste, and non-alcoholic just doesn't taste the same unfortunately.