TW: Why shouldn't I unalive myself and why should I continue living?

[Human-Being]

Does anyone have any answers?

I would like to provide more information, but there's just so much. Life feels futile to me.

[rav3n]

hey @Human-Being, firstly - welcome to the forums!

i'm really sorry that life feels that way to you right now. i can relate to having those periods where life feels futile to me too, and in those moments it can be really hard to see 'the bigger picture' or the 'bright side' of things. i know it can be really hard to see a point right now, but there really is a bigger picture. you'll 'never know' what your missing out on if you don't stick around to see it - i know that sounds cliche but in my personal experience, it's been true. there's so much to learn, to experience, to explore. i think our 'reason' for living and keeping on can be different - for some, it's their family, or their career, their passion, wanting to travel the world, wanting to make connections, or even just experience life and growing old, etc. think about the things that bring you joy, even if it's something small like watching the sunset - appreciating these things can slowly help you navigate those emotions. is there anything that brings you joy or something you're passionate about ? - it can be big or small.
it's normal to feel stuck and feel like nothing's really going anywhere. but just know that feeling stuck just means we may need to take a break and/or find another way forward. having these heavy thoughts and feelings can be really tough so please do reach out for support. here are some services you can reach out to, please don't hesitate to reach out to them especially if you're feeling unsafe:

• Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs) 13 11 14
• Suicide callback service (24 Hrs) 1300 659 467
• 000 Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)

you deserve to be seen and heard. you're not alone here. 💙

[Human-Being]

Hi @rav3n 

Thank you for your reply.

Life has felt this way to me for a fair while now. I keep being told about 'the bigger picture' and to be honest, I feel like I see the bigger picture. I have spent considerable time attempting to understand the nature of reality/existence and my experience of life to date. There is not much that brings me joy or that I am passionate about any more. I get that I can learn, experience and explore, but what is the point if it all ends with unavoidable suffering?

I am trying to find another way forward, but I weight up the risk vs reward or reward for effort, and it just doesn't stack up. I am looking for a break from life itself. The only logical path forward is a permanent break from life...

I am familiar with all the support services. I contacted Lifeline previously with these same questions and they couldn't help me...

[rav3n]

@Human-Being thanks for sharing. honestly i've had similar thought processes and realisations as the ones you mentioned. there's been so many times i've wondered what's the point if i'll have to endure all that pain? i came across this video that gave me some perspective on why it was important to feel both the good and the bad. if the low periods or emotions like sadness didn't exist, we would never be able to appreciate and value the good emotions. 

you are right, there can be unavoidable suffering. but there will also be growth, beauty and happiness. our mindsets are very powerful, and when we've spent a great deal of time focusing on all the ways things have gone wrong, or the pain, or suffering - we forget to think about all the times things have turned out well, and the potential good, the potential positive difference we can make for others/ourselves. we can't control the 'unavoidable' suffering but we can control and contribute to the world in a way that adds more 'good'.

i also wanted to mention one more thing that helped change my perspective - we view pain and suffering as such a horrible, pointless thing to experience. but when you think about getting to the top of a mountain, or completing a university degree, getting your dream job or having a family, etc - all these things sound wonderful but the only reason these things feel amazing or feel like 'achievements' are because of the hard parts that were overcome. and if there were no hard parts, not only would it not feel like an 'achievement' but also we wouldn't have learnt anything. sometimes that pain and struggle we go through is a reminder that we're alive, growing and fighting, that we're on the way to something greater. 

i'm sure other members of the community will soon chime into share their perspective too, so please know you're not alone here in these doubts. i'm really sorry to hear that support services haven't been able to give you answers, have you spoken to a psych/therapist about this before? 
i'm also curious, is there something that's happened recently that's been weighing you down and making you feel this way? no pressure if you don't want to answer!

[Human-Being]

Hi Rav3n,

Thank you for continuing to reply to me.

Actually, I found a note I drafted on my phone that gives an overview of my life and why I'm in the predicament I'm in:

Born to a truck driver father and a retail worker/stay at home mother.

Parents divorced around age 4.

Mum became an alcoholic and gambled away her savings.

We had to move into short-term. accomodation with the Salvation Army and then a 1-year temporary accommodation, meaning I had to change schools.

Then we moved into public housing and I had to change schools again.

I got targeted by a bully repeatedly and I had to move schools again.

My dad's partner died of cancer and this triggered my dad's depression.

I finally got to move in with my dad, who was a functioning alcoholic at least.

I moved to the other side of town to a new high school where I didn't know anybody.

I completed high school and eventually got a traineeship.

Mum died from drinking herself to death when I was 18.

Then my Grandma and Grandpa died each year after.

I worked incredibly hard, getting promotions, etc. and saving lots of money.

I bought land and built my house at age 24 by myself.

I got together with my now ex-wife and I did so much to improve and support her life.

After putting in so much effort and building a great department at work over 11 years, I was made 'redundant' by a new boss that decided she didn't like me. That boss gets fired a year later for poor performance and the department I had worked so hard for for 11 years was dissolved.

I tried to continue my career at a couple more workplaces but lost my passion/motivation for it after being micromanaged and seeing so many others that didn't give a shit.

COVID-19 hits, my dad dies unexpectedly, I take my 14-year old undiagnosed, untreated ADHD nephew into my care, even though I don't want children.

My dad's 'lady friend' tries to steal my family's inheritance by going around saying that she was his wife.

My sisters turn into complete bitches towards me during the estate management process, even though I suggested that we support each other.

And then, most recently, my now ex-wife told me she wanted a child and so our marriage broke down.

I still tried to save the marriage over about 15 months.

One week she told me she still loved me, the next week she told me she was seeing someone else. She became pregnant to a man she barely knows.

After going through all of this, I now have my ex-wife filing for property settlement, after she told me on many occasions that she wouldn't, where she will demand that I sell my house and give her 20% of my wealth.

The house that I built, by myself, before she even knew I existed.

The house that I let her live in for 8 years without paying anything towards the mortgage.

I paid for her bills (electricity, water, gas, internet, etc.)

I paid for her groceries.

I paid for the dog.

I paid for international holidays that she agreed to pay me back for.

I paid for a new car that she agreed to pay me back for.

Now she tells me that she doesn't owe me anything.

The person who I loved and trusted so deeply, has hurt and betrayed me the most.

I told this to the Psychiatrist at the hospital and even he said it was depressing.

[Human-Being]

I'm well acquainted with the duality of human emotions. I have tried being the best version of myself and humans have made sure that it isn't good enough. I have done nothing but try bring good to the world, humans made sure that it isn't good enough. In my experience, it is futile to even try.