Lived Experience Forum

[Emelia8]

I'm worried ... in fact I'm really scared. My heightened anxiety is playing havoc with my mind and my body.  Low blood pressure and high heart rate .. likely caused from anxiety, panic and hyperventilating.  I feel sick, I cannot sleep.  Its taking a toll.

And now I realise that I've been set up to fail. There will be some who will rejoice when my downfall occurs.  Some here want me to fail, I know that. And I inevitably will, as I go into self destruct mode.  A "devil may care" attitude invades my thoughts .. nobody else cares, so why should I?

If I stuff up this time, there are no second chances .. no safety net ... no way back.

I feel myself sinking, faint light fading ... as I lose my tenuous grip on a faint thread of hope.

Life seems so precarious right now, and I'm living on the very edge. Failing, falling.

All my life, I've been a danger to anyone I form connections with ... loved ones die untimely tragic deaths, others succumb to freak accidents. Even here I somehow manage to cause hurt or trouble to those around me.

Why does history continue to repeat itself?

Emelia 💔

[nashy]

Hey there @Emelia8 Sounds like you’re having a tough time today with these very heavy feelings of anxiety and panic, so sorry to hear this 💜 It is really important you get qualified help beyond a peer support service when things get this painful. We'd recommend right now reaching out to the SANE Help Centre you can even book a call here. Or the team at BlueKnot here. You deserve qualified one to one support. 

[Former-Member]

Starting to feel like I am existing in a pretend place. Not real. Can't manage me. A lot of it I have messed up. 

[outlander]

Some realisations are hitting home today 😞

[WIP]

Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced...it is the absence of being able to envisage that I will ever be cheerful again, have a sparkle in my eye again.
The absence of hope. The absence of strength. The absence of self-worth. The absence to see the future.

That very deadened feeling,  which is so very different from sad. Sad hurts, it's a natural feeling. Depression is much different. It hurts you physically, mentally and spiritually - you ache, from the moment you open your eyes in the morning, till you can finally close them again at night. I wish I didn't open my eyes each morning. 

[Basil]

Hi @WIP,

Thank you for sharing. They are quite profound words which I can imagine many people might relate to from certain points in their own experiences with depression. 

I can feel that tonight is particuarly heavy and difficult for you, but please remember, it is one point in time in your entire story. And please reach out to SCBS or Lifeline this evening if you need to.

Warmest,

Basil.

[Zoe7]

Today I feel like my safe place is gone and my world has gotten so much smaller again 

[Former-Member]

Why can't it be daylight yet, why can't the blackness be done. 

[Former-Member]

I am exhausted both physically and emotionally. The pressure to be ok is unreal and unrealistic at this point in time. I am honestly doing my best to be ok, I wear a smile every time someone is near so they see the hurt and pain that I suffer everyday. It's not that I don't want them to see it in me but rather I don't want to see it in them. This is not a journey but those I love as well. They have to ride my emotionally waves as well, they are struggling with the fact there is really nothing they can do to "get" me better and it's a waiting game for them either I get better or their worse fear happens. I hate the pain I see in their faces when I am struggling, I hate myself for doing this to them. The look of pain even in my counsellor's eyes yesterday when I told her about my last attempt to leave this world was too much. I just don't know where to turn next, I am doing so many treatments and they just don't seem to be making a dent in the slightest. I am washing their time, hubby's money and I just don't see the point anymore 

[TheVorticon]

Just having a sook cause I don't want to spend an hour tonight getting groceries but I need some milk. 😞