Lived Experience Forum

[greenpea]

I know it is superficial but I don't care I hate my body. I hate my breasts and womanly figure ... I want to be flat and have no curves. I want to be androgenous. I was up until these dreadful meds and no I look in the mirror and all I see is a woman and I loathe it.

[Sans911]

Dissapointment is a bitch!

[BryanaCamp]

I don't respond to any form of treatment except medication and when I finally got onto medication after a lot of unsuccessful treatments my life changed. They were really helpful. But I've been reading over my journals from about 4 years ago (when I was right in the thick of it being traumatised & confused by unsuccessful, talking therapies and drinking heavily to cope with the mental, physical and mood symptoms) and it's pretty sad stuff. Becuase I seem to be in exactly the same place now, getting kicked around by mean people. I recently had a male colleague terrorise me with emotional abuse and a male friend get all snippy, snappy and vicious with me when I stood up for myself. I don't like to make generalisations about gender so I don't think it's a guy thing that they were both aggressive towards me but it has made me scared of men. It's triggered really bad mental symptoms in me.

I almost feel like I'm not on any medication at all they've gotten me down so bad. I'm adjusting my meds to cater for all this stress I feel but that is taking a long time as it's a slow process. It's revolting that these two people felt more than free to lash out at me however they pleased and have not a care how strongly they've impacted me. I've withdrawn socially and wanted to spend a lot more time on my own. I've cancelled social plans. But I had nice social plans today with nice people who are sweet and kind to me, and I woke up with a horrendous migraine (I think it's a side effect of the meds) so I've had to cancel. I'm just waiting for my prescription pain killers to work fully. 

I feel like a total failure and a loser. I haven't showered today, I ate about 10 biscuits yesterday from the batch of 20 I baked. My kitchen is a pigsty and haven't brushed my teeth in I think 2 days. I'm really a disgusting slob. I seem to have made little progress since 4 years ago except I'm fatter and have more wrinkles. I still feel exhausted a lot and just about pass out from fatigue every afternoon, I still struggle every day to shower, do the dishes, brush my teeth, wash my hair, cook, clean the kitchen, vacume, stay on top of the laundry. I just don't have the energy. I feel so lazy & like such a slobby failure. I don't understand where everyone else gets their energy from. And I still don't know 4 years later why I'm so vulnerable to and so weak in the face of emotional abuse, no-body else seems fazed by it like I am.

[outlander]

My heart wont stop  hurting today. I cant seem to do anything right. My own family seems to even hate me. i dont know why i bother trying anymore. ill never be someone who is worth something

[Teej]

I’m so f***ing lost and aimless and don’t know who to be or who I am. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

[outlander]

hearing you on that @Teej

[eudemonism]

Yea well... life aye... it sure hasn't turned out to plan or how i wanted it to...

Each day is revealing a new battle, new challenges and new difficulties... literally... I'm constantly dealing with the forefront of my issues/problems... and yes there's a big long list of them... I've tried desperately to deal with them and get my life sorted ~ but they always come back... it's hard to even identity what the problems and solutions are somedays.. it's hard to tell if the problems are internal or external.. and same goes for the solution.. internal or external?? I really don't know.. i get tired of the whole cycle either way it is..

[outlander]

Just when i thought it might get abit easier or even plateau it gets worse. 😢😢😢😢

[Maggie]

@outlander @eudemonism @Teej @BryanaCamp ....support....

[BryanaCamp]

I'm achieving very little. It's an effort to shower and get dressed. I've only done a few errands today. I seem to be so unproductive and feel like a fat slob. I'm sooooooo sensitive to the slightest offense or insult, I feel sooooo invalidated by pretty much everyone, it's like no-one understands me and none of my feelings mean anything yet my state of being is taken up almost totally by my feelings. It's extremely annoying to be so sensitive and vulnerable, over-reacting to everything and everyone, I can barely even participate on the forum without triggering my symptoms, it's pathetic. I'm so sick of it.