Lived Experience Forum

[saltandpepper]

Ugh it gets so noisy in my head with all the shit that's going on. Wish there was a shush button for my brain 

[Anastasia]

Can you reach for your white noise dear @saltandpepper ?

Sending you love 💞

[saltandpepper]

Doing it now @Anastasia thanks for the reminder 💙

[Anastasia]

Sleep well dear @saltandpepper 💙🙏💙

[saltandpepper]

God damn it.

I do still care.

[saltandpepper]

Maybe that's ok. Maybe caring that you're ok isn't the same thing as having feelings for you. Maybe I don't have to hit a switch and shut it all off. Of course I care. If nothing else than for the sake of our son, I want you to be ok. I just don't want to be the one to help you anymore. 

[saltandpepper]

Had my phone off for a few hours and switch it on to see a fu*k tonne of missed calls and messages from the ex. The final message reading that "we need to go to mediation". I am so angry I could just punch a hole in the wall right now. Just such fu*king bullshit. There's nothing to mediate. We're not a couple. We're not getting back together. I am so fu*king angry. "We need to go to mediation". No. No we don't. You left me. You don't get to drag me to some bullshit thing now. Not after all the fu*king bull shit you've put me through. Leaving and coming back then saying you don't love me and leaving again and then wanting to come back. It's all just fu*king bullshit. You are a shit person. You are selfish, self centred, and just fu*k!!! I don't have the capacity to deal with this right now. Why won't you listen. Why won't you leave me alone. I can't take much more of this shit. It's pushing me to the edge. You've already put me through enough. Just fu*king stop!!!! I can't take it any more! Are you trying to make me snap? Is that what you want? Are you doing this to torture me? Because ok, you win, I can't handle any more of this. It's too much. It's too much. 

[HappyCastle]

Hey @saltandpepper. It sounds like that was an intense experience that brought a lot up for you. How...

[saltandpepper]

Trying to swallow the anger @HappyCastle but it's sitting right at the surface. Anticipating another fun phone call tonight from the ex so that's going to be excellent. Maybe I'll just leave my phone off again. I feel like I'm losing control of the monster inside of me. The person I've worked so hard not to be. The person I hate. And it's slipping through my fingers. Feeling so much anger it's all consuming. To be perfectly honest the intensity of my emotions right now is overwhelming, to the point where those thoughts of self harm are calling after me. I want very much to take my aggression out on something, anything, even if it's me. I tried sweating it out this morning, hoping exercise would kick in a natural high. It didn't. The only thing keeping me from doing anything to myself is knowing I can get a new tattoo tomorrow. No need to hurt myself when I'm already paying someone to do that. And those scars will at least be better to look at it when they heal.

I don't want to go backwards. I've worked so hard to be better than this angry shell of a person. But I feel like I can't hold on anymore. I just keep getting pushed and poked and I've had enough of it. I can't keep dealing with all this shit between me and my ex. It's too much. 

[Sphinxly]

Hey @saltandpepper, I wanted to check in to see how you have been travelling today? It sounds like the anger was pretty intense earlier and things were feeling overwhelming.

Thinking of you,

Sphinxly.