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Looking after ourselves

Hams
Community Guide

Total Freedom of mind and heart

Hi forumites

It's been a while since I actually made a long winded post and have mostly been spending the last few months making short posts here and there. 

These days I am finding I am not finding much joy in things - but I am totally okay with it. I think maybe I am growing up. I am finding that I am asking myself questions over what I still want to do before I hit 30, what I don't want to do at all, what things are too late to do, what is worth the effort etc.

I have noticed my empathy has really begun to shine through since practicing radical self compassion. 

I read the other day about how three things mattered the most - how we treat others, how others treat us and how we treat ourselves. I realised today on my walk and when I saw the sunrise that there was but one part of this i fail with - how i treat myself. I have never had complaints from others about my treatment of them and I've gone through life grudge free. 

So much of my issues stem from how I view myself. I mentioned recently how I had written a heap of words about myself something like 5000 in 2 hours. 

It was a catharsis. 

 

I am finding choice paralysis is hitting me a lot these days. But maybe this is the aftershock of being in the depths of depression. I don't know what the phrase "onwards and upwards" entails tbh. But I like the idea of it

 

My life this year so far (we are in May already)

 

- I went back to my job and only lasted a couple of months and quit

- I used my studies as an excuse and then quit those studies. Got a refund

- I interviewed for a job in my field but didn't get it because I did not perform well in the interview. I kind of knew this going in

- I have applied to some peer support roles and will be looking into that in the short to medium term

- The dream is to study again in something I am fascinated by (relevant to my undergraduate course) and hopefully go overseas to do that. But it is hard because of my results. The potential I have to succeed is not reflected in my current grades but it is something i would like

 

What I have to learn from here:

- Patience

- That while some things are too late to happen, there is much more in life left to experience and the idea that there is a timestamp on things is nonsense. Many things just get recycled in life and are never really truly once in a lifetime things

- The sense of FOMO i have around many things in life is not well grounded. Because there has been tragedy, trauma and suffering in life quite close to me. I think that has enabled me to be compassionate to myself as well. Life is unfair but I don't think this makes it horrible

- I have options

 

I sometimes feel I am too young to be on this forum and perhaps maybe it is true at some level. But I guess at the moment it does exactly what it needs to for me. 

There is trauma in my life and tragedy nearby. 

By being self compassionate and better to myself in terms of how i think of myself and how i treat myself maybe it would be best going forward from here to continue what works and stop what hurts

 

I take it each day by day. 

 

(I changed my font for a new look)

 

 

21 REPLIES 21

Re: Total Freedom of mind and heart

Re: Total Freedom of mind and heart

NIKOLAI RIMSKI-KÓRSAKOV (1844-1908)Scheherazade, op. 35Introducción. El mar. El barco de Simbad (00:05)La historia del príncipe Kalender (12:03)El joven prín...

Re: Total Freedom of mind and heart

Nite Hams @Hams

Re: Total Freedom of mind and heart

Nite and catch you tomorrow

Re: Total Freedom of mind and heart

@Hams hey Hams, not easy for you. Take care. 

Re: Total Freedom of mind and heart

..just a few points @Hams  after you nailing your theses to church door soz lol ..

having 'choices' can be a problem in itself re inertia ..

well, I saw a very bad counsellor few years back, who in their 1 hour plus monologue made made 1  perhaps 2 points , not sure what the rest was about, getting a visa or something ok wordcount for resume, who knows

..Choices or the perception of choice can help to stop actually Doing anything.

I've said it before, but ok re study, and you do say 'dream' now , or is it an expectation?

would you be okay with 50 year old Hams saying oh wish I had studied more ..is that reasonable?

or should you be thinking about just having a job ? is there a point where you say okay uni was fun, but I have to get on with Life as well I'm not really doing anything much and it seems to upset me, as it would most people..

yes, life seems to favour some over others. It does.

yes, its good to be flexible , starting a job or study and knowing when its not happening

yes re 'timestamps' ..but all the while, time Is not standing still, even if We are ..

..I've had my number punched a lot of times over the years ..people have seen right through me  like I never could dare to myself, albeit while happy to live in stasis..

oh, but all the things you mention were (at the time, 5 years ago) I was saying what i had or did and it wsnt that long before the conversation, except as someone twigged to.. it was all in the past and I did do or have any of things I was happily talking about .. in other words I had been going backwards ..

another time, ok 20 or so years later was called a Tin Man.. like 'you stand for nothing', 'you have no interests' you just work, waste the rewards and work again.. ok perceptive.Hurtful. and from a person whose life was a complete mess in every possible way, yet they could still See what was going on.

Anyway , perhaps find something that interests you and follow it in a way that is meaningful to you

In 2015 I was driving to work in the dark , radio was still on ABC for some reason, ok had driven from city not long before, ie sort of pointless trip . as paying for my own travel and accom, something to do perhaps..

https://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/archived/sundayprofile/helen-joyce/6744118

ok it was Helen Joyce, i hadnt looked that up in 7 years since til just now

have a listen maybe. the bit i remember was about being 'Happy, useful and Kind" which I think was an answer to well like what is the point of Life ..

and to be that was to have had a Life well Lived..

knock yourself out @Hams  lol I'll send you the bill late ..cough cough ..

 

Re: Total Freedom of mind and heart

It is what it is @Meowmy

Re: Total Freedom of mind and heart

This was good to wake up to. @TAB
Thanks for it
These are basically everything I've been asking myself lately.
'perhaps find something that interests you and follow it in a wa that is meaningful to you'
I agree.
I think in 20 years time older hams will look back. I want to avoid saying "I wish I tried xyz"
I think I am motivated by too many things. Choice paralysis. But also checkered history.
Realising how many things were out of my control and how bad things happen and yet my resolve pushed me on.
Even the uni I went to - parents said I'd never make it there but I found a way.

I'm Realising that for things to go well in your 20s a lot has to be right to begin with. There are things which happened to me which are basically wrong.
It is what it is in the end.
My interest in further uni is only in a niche area and I think if I can't land a masters in that area then I can pack up that idea. My placement I have mentioned earlier on here before will help hopefully. But I mean I did an interview for a role very much like it and buggered it up.
Maybe my subconscious mind is taking over. Pulling me away.
Idk. I'm a complex being and in the end all I want is freedom to choose and make the wrong choice too.

How about this:
The early dose of reality that I was given at age 16 made me immune to the possibly that things could work out for the good and that there was nothing wrong with making mistakes.
The dosage of reality at age 16 immunised me against optimism.

Maybe now finally the effect has worn off and I see more hope than ever and its overwhelming

Re: Total Freedom of mind and heart

..have a listen to the link sent you @Hams  the bits I remembered closer to the end, but you might find the whole think interesting re her 'journey'..

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