Lived Experience Forum

[sol_87]

Hello,

I have suffered from repeated episodes of intense loneliness for over 16 years now. It all started when I moved to a rural area for a (contract) job and lost touch with the friends I had made in my 20s.

Since then I have found that I have a tendency to self-isolate. And even though I have found windows in my loneliness at times, due to a job in my Mum's shop, moving back to Melbourne, or volunteering at a cafe one day a week, I usually eventually find myself back in the same conundrum - isolated again, due to my introverted nature.

I have a diagnosis of schizophrenia, which is well-managed, and I think this contributes to the desire to self-isolate.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) has really helped me in the past, but I am surprised to be finding myself in exactly the same headspace only a year after stopping therapy with my last ACT therapist.

I find that the loneliness takes away my energy and it is hard to get moving. And because of social anxiety, I am not so likely to reach out to a friend - it always seems like I would be bothering them, and I don't really know who I would call anyway. I do have friends, but not many of them are 'close' I suppose. I find it hard to 'bond' - perhaps due to my medication.

However, on this sunny autumn day, I have found a bit of relief from the awful and all-consuming pain that is social isolation and loneliness. I decided to just get out and go for a walk, grab a takeaway matcha and sit in the park and work on my computer. It was hard to get going, but once I did, the exercise lifted my mood, and a couple of small interactions I had on the way did lift my mood a bit.

Now, I feel like I might actually be able to get into work for the day, which is a million miles away from where I was at the beginning of the day. 

I have been house-sitting lately, and getting to know dogs and having them around has lifted my mood - so I am thinking that maybe I will try to get a dog of my own. It is a hard decision though because I want to travel too.

I hope whatever is bothering you is a little easier to bear today. It has been good to come to the SANE forums and hear your stories.

Take care, thanks for listening and thanks in advance for any support.

Best,

Sol

[Flying_Hams]

"However, on this sunny autumn day, I have found a bit of relief from the awful and all-consuming pain that is social isolation and loneliness. I decided to just get out and go for a walk, grab a takeaway matcha and sit in the park and work on my computer. It was hard to get going, but once I did, the exercise lifted my mood, and a couple of small interactions I had on the way did lift my mood a bit."

this part here @sol_87 is fundamental !
I'm so glad you were able to do it. I myself have had moments like this and the small interactions you have are key.

Not so long ago I remember I was a local cafe and the barrista was there when the mailman on his bicycle came by and asked him "Is this where the best cofee in <suburb name> is ?"

The barrista's reply: "No that's up the road round the corner"

Everyone laughed.

These spontaneous moments are so fundamental to our daily lives in the modern world.

It sounds like solitude and people is a spectrum right? On one side we have solitude where we want that key time to ourselves to rest, to literally enjoy our own company and then on the opposite side of the spectrum we have connection with others. I've been doing a lot of healthy reflection on that lately and I'm realising that I must must must be good to myself and NOT hate myself and NOT despise myself for past mistakes and/or misdeeds.

Dealing with schitzophrenia is hard. I don't have that myself but I do know how it can be hard to manage.

Start with seeking out genuine connections with strangers - that is such a rare thing these days. So rare. I'm not saying go up to a stranger and say "be my friend" because that would be met with suspicion. But to seek anythign out that breaks "the matrix" as it were is probably key.

Be compassionate to yourself. Learn to block out the things in society that are maddeningly unhelpful.

Read good helpful things too.

But most of all remember that you are a soul, a person, a being with infinite capacity for good (And evil) and that you in your daily life are constantly meeting whatever challenge (great or small).

My best to you friend

[sol_87]

Thanks so much for your reply @Flying_Hams

It was such a breath of fresh air in a sometimes lonely world.
Sometimes I think that 'we' (humans) haven't worked it out. And that the world is a lot more lonely than it ought to be, for many people. But maybe many people HAVE worked it out, and structure their lives to engage with people most of the day. I am not one of these people!

It sounds like you feel like casual interactions out in the world with people like your funny barista can help a lot. I am hoping that is the case. Otherwise, I am going to need to do something drastic like change my career!

You might be right about a solitude spectrum. Underneath it all, social connection is a fundamental need for us (from our social evolution). I believe compassion is the foundation of it though, so I am glad you are learning to be kind to yourself. Me too!

I love reading too. I find it to be such good company. I have started watching Netflix recently too, but that seems to make me a little more lonely if anything. Nothing beats reading (and journalling) for a sense of connection.

Have you been reading anything inspiring lately? I just finished Dopamine Nation by Dr Anna Lembke. I love that kind of popular psychology writing.

Thanks again for your thoughts. They were very uplifting to me.

I hope for all the best to you too and hope to see you around on the boards sometime. 🙂

Best wishes!

[Flying_Hams]

As my mum once said to me "start as you mean to go on"

@sol_87

She was a wise woman

[sol_87]

I am surprised actually, about how nicely my day has turned out - after feeling so incredibly unwell this morning. It was a kind of ache in my soul that was so strong and bitter and sad.

The sunshine and a walk were all that I needed to start this day off right. And once it was on the right foot, it just got better!

I am excited about my project with my friend in Ukraine. I have the kind of excited hope in my eyes that new entrepreneurs get when they get close to launching their baby to the world.

And the best thing is that launching it will give me lots of opportunities for more walking during the week.

And I have a lot to look forward to. Today has reminded me of that.

I just need to be careful not to isolate on the weekends - when combined with wfh, it is too much. And I need to be more careful to make plans each and every weekend like I used to.

[tyme]

Well done @sol_87 ! That's win we can celebrate together!

[sol_87]

Thank you @tyme 🙂
Yes, agreed!
I hope you are doing well!

[Oaktree]

Hi @sol_87 

I struggle with isolating and loneliness too. I don't self isolate as much as I used to because I have a support worker who regularly gets me out of the house. She works for a terrific mental health organisation and I go out solo with her sometimes and then sometimes we do things in groups. Like yesterday we went and had a bbq breakfast in a group. I find this helpful. If you are not on the NDIS I would recommend it as I find my support worker invaluable. We also go on respite trips throughout the year paid for by NDIS. I really love this organisation.

Thank you for posting about your experience. It makes me feel not so alone. I have also found that by building connections here on the forums is helpful in combatting loneliness. 

Meggle

[sol_87]

Hey @Oaktree

That sounds really good! I am so glad that you have found an organisation and support worker who helps you to get out of the house and that you feel less isolated.

I don't think I would qualify for the NDIS, but I am considering providing this kind of support care on a voluntary basis, so it may help me to feel more connected too.

Thanks for your reply! It makes me feel less alone too! It is good to hear that you have been able to build connections here. I want to try doing that too.

What are you up to today? It is a yucky day in Melbourne today, but I still hope to get out at some point to get some groceries.

Best wishes,
Sol

[sol_87]

I am really struggling again. Tonight someone posted a psychological problem on an ACT Google group that I am part of. I realised, after attempting to provide some support, that I just don't have very much at all left in my tank to support someone else.
So, maybe the idea of exploring a career in support work is not all that feasible at the moment.

I feel as weak as a leaf. And something needs to change.
I feel like it is structural. I didn't speak out loud to anyone today, except for a brief interaction in a shop. I did a lot of emailing, and that does help a bit. But my old-world social/evolutionary brain needs real human contact and connection. I still feel bitterly isolated tonight.

My tendency to self-isolate makes the situation so much worse.

I think I need to start volunteering again. That seems to be the most effective way into either employment or a sense of connection, I think.

Gee, I feel bleak. Weak. Meek.
Thanks for listening!