Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

Oooooh I feel for you with that too @Former-Member .  There are  so many aspects of our lives as carers that differ, but as you have said, the feelings are a binding empathetic force amongst us all, and being here is a way to make sense of it ..... to share the courage and inspiring moments ...... and I treasure the way you interact with Mr. Darcy, hoping one day that I can return to that reality ...  

A lot of water to move under the bridge yet to get there .....

Thanks so much for what you are doing with this thread.

❤️

[Determined]

Hi @Former-Member 

I have to admit I found these points challenging when I first read them. 

Particularly point 2. I think to say that we all choose to feel hurt or rejected for example is a little simplistic.  I think emotional response and how it manifests is part of caring. 

From my point of view perhaps what we do with those emotions is what we have the power over, (or should work on mastering). Definitely a growth point for me.

[Former-Member]

I agree @Determined  which is why I made the same point  but added that "What I get out of this point is being responsible for how we handle our reactions to the pain and hurt is the key". 

I equate it to the medical model of having an injury. We can either get it attended to, which can be painful +/- time consuming or choose to ignore it. By not dealing with it, we risk infection, further deterioration and more painful interventions to fix the problem.  Small injuries can often be dealt with by ourselves or with limited assistance but others do require medical professionals to intervene which is why when dealing with emotional hurts that we might benefit from seeing a therapist or doctor ourselves.

[Determined]

Yes I liked  the way you framed that @Former-Member ,

It helped me to clarify my own thoughts and feelings that were initially a little negative. 

[Former-Member]

I initially felt a little negative about it too @Determined and needed to give it further thought to understand what was meant by it.

I agree too @Faith-and-Hope that we do need to assess dangers of any given situation and the way we respond when things are acute can be quite different to when things are not.

[Shaz51]

@Former-Member, @Determined , @Faith-and-Hope , @Sasha_86 

I think also if the same thing happened today , I think I would respond to it differently , but it will not be the same situation will it

[Sasha_86]

@Former-Member  I also struggle at times with point two and it took me some time to acknowledge and unpack that thought with my own counsellor. I find point two is important when I find myself sitting in that space for too long and holding on to those feelings is keeping me from moving forward

[starflame]

I really struggle with the concept of "Accept that the only reason you’re feeling this way is that you choose to feel that way". 

I suffer PTSD, depression , aggoraphobia and body dysmorphia and the reason I am feeling a certain way is most certainly not because I choose to feel that way. That is because I sufffered huge trauma. I feel it belittles the experience of someone with mental illness to simplify to imply that a person is only feeling a certain way because they are choosing it.

My partner who has bi polar is defintately not choosing to feel how he feels.

However I do feel that we can choose how we react to the way that we feel. I can feel the trauma in my body, have the emotions of a flashback and choose to do something positive rather than allow that feeling take control.

With my partner we have developed a very open communication about how we are feeling and to reaassure each other that it is our illness and that we love each other and we have learned to be together and love each other through the horrible feeling.

[Former-Member]

@starflame  I think we are all thinking alomg the same lines and that focussing on how we react to the emotional pain is going to be more helpful.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I think it is an important part of validating how we feel @Former-Member, and working out how to move forward from there.