Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @ArraDreaming,

I hear what you're saying and I agree. You tried to reach out and meet up with him despite your reservations and he didn't show up - I really understand why you would be over it.

At the end you need to have your own boundaries and limits on what you will put up with. At least you know you gave it your best shot and no one can do more than that.

Hope you're feeling better.

Take care,

FloatingFeather

[ExhaustedCarer]

Oh the guilt. It eats at me. I have survivors guilt. Out of four kids, I’m the only one who doesn’t have a complex and serious mental illness and/or addiction. This guilt is compounded because it’s not just luck or randomness, but my bother who I care for (alcoholism- severe) was the first responder to a serious suicide attempt by my mother (she is still alive). He was 16 at the time and it was the mid-90s. No one cared for or responded to him in relation to it. No one even really saw that he’d saved our mother’s life. It’s not in our family folklore or way of seeing ourselves. And from this trauma (and other family dysfunction) and in the 25 years since he has developed a terrifying alcohol addiction. I’m plagued with guilt- survivors guilt but also- why didn’t I try and stop his drinking in a real way earlier (I know it’s irrational and we don’t necessarily have that power but the feeling is still real). And now, because our family is so dysfunctional, I’m strongly motivated by a sense that I must make this family as well as we possibly can be - because dammit despite how fucked up we are, we are good, unique, wonderful people who deserve a chance. And there’s the other guilt - I feel so guilty that my brother’s potential and his wondrousness haven’t had the same chance to live a good life and have the opportunities I’ve had. 

[tyme]

I respect you very much for post @ExhaustedCarer . I also hear how exhausting caring for loved ones can be. And yes, you are right in saying that you put on your own oxygen mask on first.

You are welcome to connect with other carers on JOIN US: Wednesdays’ Well of Wellness – Wellness Tips for Carers! It's a chance to remember to set some boundaries for yourself in terms of self-care.

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

I am so glad you have found our forums and are able to offer such valuable insights into being a carer. At the same time, I hope you will also gain from the connection you develop, and the stories other members share.

Thank you, tyme

[ExhaustedCarer]

This is wonderful- thank you Tyme! I haven’t practiced self-care for so long because I always think I can’t relax until mum and brother are in a good place but tonight, at a loss, I came here. And two hours later it’s been my first and best self-care for a long time. Great forum- great to unload and share and connect and know we’re so not alone. 

[tyme]

That's the hard part. Carers don't think of themselves, and forget that it it OKAY to take a break. Schedule it in. This is your time. If you wait until your loved ones are in a good place, you may experience burnout first @ExhaustedCarer .

I feel so connected with you already, even though we've just 'met'!