Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[devotedmum]

I put a post in somethingd not right about my 20 yr old daughter who has BPD. We have asked her to leave as she trashed our house for the umpteenth time. I have been watching Recivery Mum videos on living with BOD and now I am crying with guilt if only I understood the pain she was in. She is so brutal with her words that it has destroyed me and my family yet now I feel weak for asking her to leave. She doesn't admit she needs help blames everyone else. I have lost control of helping her when she turned 18. I can't stop crying even though I know I have tried everything to help her. Todays tect was. "I hope you burn in hell, I will come to your house and bash you in the face for not supporting me" I have. I have taken her to so many therapists since she was 10 until 18. Why does she make me feel so guilty.

[Sylvester]

I am so sorry @devotedmum what a difficult time for you, guilt digs so deep and seems so unfair when you have obviously suffered for so long.  Please realise that your daughter’s disorder is no one’s fault (especially you) and although you feel attacked, it is not about you. It isn’t possible to always have the “right” response to avoid your daughter brutal lashing out at you but be gentle with yourself and I hope that you find support on the forum.

regards Sylvester 

SANE Moderator

[NikNik]

Hi @devotedmum
I would like to second what @Sylvester said, and hope you're not being too tough on yourself.

Creating boundaries are important, for your own safety & wellbeing, and also to help your daughter.

Guilt is such a common experience for carers. @Jo has some very insightful views about 'carers guilt', you can read a bit about it here: https://saneforums.org/t5/Looking-after-ourselves/Frustration-and-guilt/m-p/61107/highlight/true#M15...

How are things travelling now that a couple of days have passed?

[Former-Member]

hello @devotedmum

my heart goes out to you with everything that you have experienced over a large part of your daughter growing up.

you have nothing to feel guilty about. absolutely nothing.

many parents would not have lasted as long as you.

you have your own lives. you have to look after each other as the effect from all of that behaviour would be so traumatic. I strongly suggest that you and any other family members seek counselling to help you through such a numbing time. You are probably all feeling shell shock. the after effect of a catastrophic event.

Your daughter is very unwell, out of control and needs specialist care. Your daughter is still in there somewhere so when you think about her, which you will do, no matter how hard you try not to, think of her as she was before this destructive behaviour began.

she has lashed out at you angrily, with hate and blame as she is terrified of what is happening to herself.

I know my son has done the same to me and told me that I no longer have 2 sons I only have one. He has bought a new mobile phone so that I cant contact him via phone or text. he has cut me off. he has left the state and will not say where he is.

The pain stabs, is unrelenting. I know. I also know that I cant do anything for him other than listen if he does one day get in touch with me again. I can't have a normal conversation with him. I can only listen and then reassure him that I have heard what he has told me. I have to remind myself the boundaries that I have set for myself and stick to them no matter how hard that is. I have to stick with this until he gets help.

I can't help his illness. He has to accept that he is unwell. Then he can accept help. Then I can help him rebuild his life.

all of the above you will need to later, not now, perhaps even with the help of a counsellor, have a plan for, preparation for if she contacts you. she might contact you for money. you will need to think very carefully about giving money. Discuss this with the counsellor.

i will never ever stop loving my son. he will always be my son no matter what he says to me.

please look after yourselves now, be careful not to get angry with one another or blame. dont go down the track of if and but. just heal and be there for each other.

bless you all

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @devotedmum .....

Hugs n hugs ..... ❤️💕

I have a lot to share with you that I hope will help you to come to terms with what you are going through with your daughter.

My sister suffered a series of convulsions as an infant, and began to progressively miss developmental milestones.  She was administered experimental drugs with my parents permission because they had nearly lost her several times and were at their wits end .... the end result is that she has suffered a significant "head injury" in that she has an unspecified intellectual disability and developmental delay ...

One of the outcomes of her situation appears to be a personality disorder.  She used to follow my mum around the house, berating her over anything and everything she did or didn't do, throwing tantrums to try to get her way or her opinions cow-towed to .... very abusive, manipulative and controlling.  By e time my sister had graduated high school - and we all spent some time in boarding school including my sister, where she kept this behaviour reigned in, but was volatile enough for the bullies to leave her alone - my mother put her out of the house.  

My parents found a rental unit for her, packed her things, and deposited her there, paying her rent whike she lived on a disability pension, but they made her pay something to them as rent, to make her responsible and aware of the costs of living.  She could come and visit them at their home, and even come to stay overnight, but they lived out of town and would pack her into the car and take her home if she became too much for them on any given day.  She modified her behaviour most of the time, but it provided the space they all needed.

I know your daughter's behaviour has been in a different league, but I wanted to share this with you as perhaps a goal you can all work towards.

My brother had different issues.  He was / is a "super-bright" and found societal socal  and behavioural boundaries challenging.  He went away to board for uni, and after six months, simply disappeared.  They didn't know where he was or even whether he was alive for a year or so, then a police officer came to their door .... of course they feared the worst, but as it turned out her had "unintentionally" stolen something and was in juvenile detention.  Turns out her had borrowed an expensive piece of equipment from the uni without permission, along with some other like-minded students, and they didn't know how to sneak it back onto campus once the alarm was raised that it was missing, so they dumped it ....

Long story short ... supporting my brother in his life choices has also been highly challenging for my parents - parent now .... lost my mum 15 years ago.

Now I am in a position of having a husband 7 years in denial with an eating disorder, and without a diagnosis over it, we can't help him.  His behaviour, values and behaviour changes,  and mood swings have been some journey ...  but we have stepped back to a position of passive resistance, set some boundaries, and are letting him run with it cos we've got very little choice.  

Finding out about Stages of Change has really helped me cope -

http://triumphwellness.com/the-5-stages-of-change/

If you can hold on through the first stage of denial and hostility, things should improve progressively from there.  Unfortunately it's also the longest stage, but it gave me a light at the end of our tunnel.

Al the best .... happy to chat with you further .... I don't always respond with an essay .... 😏💐