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Looking after ourselves

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Casual Contributor

Setting boundaries - consequences

Was swimming hard against fhe current. So had to chart a new course.

 

Was sister/carer.  Wasn't working for me. 1 x assist a week blew out to beck & call 24/7. Bottomless pit of needs. So located other resources & steped back. Repeat & repeat until now returned situation to sister only status. 

 

Asked previously on this forum if Sz always came with this increasing dependance - it seemed not. 

 

Sibling lacks insight to own needs. Uses support workers sometimes, but never if family there. Assumes I am it. Have made clear am not.

 

I cannot change this & I expected push-back.  I can leave if at someone's else's house or in public somewhere.  Needs may be small or large. Offering to open the toilet door seems small, but offen leads to asking for more & more help with clothing & wiping. 

 

When I decline, there will only be one other female this will fall to (rest are elderly, male or children). I feel like it's not fair to her either, but I just can't step back in due obligation & guilt. I've said no.

 

Specifically asking what others would do or how they have handled this?

 

 

 

 

10 REPLIES 10
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Re: Setting boundaries - consequences

hello @Bea2  to the forum and sending you lots of hugs

is it your sister you are carer to ??

remember you are not alone my friend

@Darcy, @Determined , @Appleblossom , @greenpea 

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Re: Setting boundaries - consequences

Yes sister. It has been said to me, if I was a brother this of course would not be expected of me.

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Re: Setting boundaries - consequences

@greenpea  looks after her son xxx

 

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Re: Setting boundaries - consequences

Yes there are many many out there caring for their children or parents, regardless of gender. And I applaude them.

 

What has been siad to me is about the expectaction that I will & have to do it all because I am female.  If I was say, a male - a bank exec or a long distance truck-driver, whatever, I would be excused.  I don't even mind the assumptions in a way.  But when I tried & found it did not acctually help the situation,  I sought other care options instead.

 

I suppose I resent having this forced upon me despite saying no.

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Re: Setting boundaries - consequences

I am an only child and it is up to be to look after my elderly, frail mum who is 88

looking after my husband who has lots of diagnosis from DID and bipolar 11 and inherited depression which is passed down through the family and now to his children -- my 4 step children

there is lots of survices to help us carers only if the caree want the support

like my mum , the only support she gets is meals on wheels and I do everything else

with my husband he has cut all mental health support all together

and me i have lots of physical problems

but to keep on keeping on

has your sister have a mental health team which can help your sister and remember you as a carer need support too @Bea2 

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Re: Setting boundaries - consequences

You have a LOT on. Hope you gets lots of support for YOU too - or hobbies or things you like.

 

No, sister seemed to lose her Case Manager years back when deposited back into the community I think. GP keeps changing. Does a have a Pschiatrist (not often) but stopped seeing the Psychologist (shame). I've often thought there needs to be be someone to oversee the lot.

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Re: Setting boundaries - consequences

Hearing you @Bea2  about extra expectations upon women in caring roles.

 

I have not gotten used to saying "no" or setting boundaries, but can see the value of them in certain situations.

 

Generally it is wise not to take on actions that they can manage themselves ... even if they get a bit in helpless mode.  It is fair that she leans to accept health and support workers.  How you get that to happen might take creativity.   There is no right way, but I have known a few people who refuse help, so my approach was always to try and build people up, but not enable them especially in intimate type behaviours.  

 

My sister was pro support and pdoc and my brother was anti them.  Either way I was swept into their pain and vulnerability to extreme degrees. I loved them and would respond to many calls for help. (They both died, just too much early trauma which was not addessed, though I tried, I was only 18 months older, and had just as much trauma if not more as I carried their loads a lot. I think they knew I would have if I could have.)  The shape of sibling relationships and responsibilities vary a lot and there are uncles and aunties ...

 

 

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Re: Setting boundaries - consequences

Appleblossom, so sorry for your loss.  The cards we are delt when starting our lives are not within our control. Our choices what to do with them later depend on so many variences & vary tremendously.

 

I think it takes time & wisdom to distinguish helping from enabling - I am not that wise yet!

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Re: Setting boundaries - consequences

Iv lived with  a friend for the past 15 years on and off. He has pushed everyone away over the years including me, but recently got back in contact after 12 months. I stupidly agreed that he could stay at my place. 

I don't recognise him. He is scary. Has never let anyone properly diagnose him so has schizophrenia, bipolar & borderline personality on his file. Plus he is a heroin addict. 

It's too hard for me. I can't do it any more. He refuses to get professional help & thinks seeing a drug counsellor when he feels like it is enough. There's been incidences where iv been terrified. I haven't told my friends or family is here because I know they won't be happy. 

anyways I hate him being at my place but he has nowhere else to go. I can't talk to him avout it because he just hits himself on the head repeatedly when I try. 

help?! 

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