Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Bluebird15]

Hello Everyone,,
Sorry I've been quiet around here for so long. Life has been super busy and the days have flown by...
Last time I posted, things seemed to have finally stabilised with my brother.
We all (family) assumed his new meds were finally kicking in...after all, it had been very rough for around 5 months.
It was so nice to have my smiling brother back again, interacting with my sons, joining us on family outings, and losing weight!
Agh, unfortunately it would seems there has been a dip in his mood again.
It's been about a month where he's been having a lot of trouble sleeping (health issues) and assume that all this lack of sleep has sent him in a downward spiral more often than not...
It's so disappointing for all of us. I find myself back where I was, a few months ago.. worrying about him most of the time subsequently, again taking my energy and focus away from my own family..

I just feel my mood drop as soon as I hear that he's low again. I become cranky around my own family and I can't seem to fully enjoy activities I should be as I'm always a bit guilty for having a nice time whilst he suffers..
I don't know how to distance myself from these more frequent ups and downs , yet not seem uncaring to him. It's draining and I'm not feeling very 'present' around my own children when I'm worrying so much!

Does anyone have any experience with a slump in effectiveness of meds? Naively I thought that once his dosage had been finally sorted, these lows were supposed to happen a lot less??!

Anyway, I do hope everyone is going ok.

Would love to hear from you

BB

[Special_k]

Hi @BlueBird. Sorry to hear that you have been experiencing a low in both your brothers and and your own wellbeing. It can be difficult seeing our loves ones go through these ups and downs; particularly when we see glimmers of hope that they are doing better; it can almost seem cruel. Mental illness is episodic and unpredictable and it's important to remember that it is outside your  brother's control when he has a bad episode. is there any extra triggers for him at this time of year? A lot of people report really struggling leading up to Christmas; it can be a very emotionally draining time for the best of us.  Sometimes it helps to separate the illness from the person and to realise that they are unwell and fighting this battle every day. Something that has helped me to get through my dark times is to remind myself that this too shall pass.  Another strategy I use is to visualise the mental illness as being a separate entity to me (in my case a monkey) when I have bad days I remind myself that it is just " monkey talk" and I try and challenge the monkey. Have you spoken to your brother about whether he is finding the meds effective?? I  hope you find the support you are looking for on here.  

[supernova]

Hi @Bluebird15

It sounds like you care about your brother a great deal, so much so that his suffering becomes yours to an extent. I'd call that compassion rather than codependncy, what do you think? Of course, it sounds like there's a point at which feeling so affecting by what's going on for him does begin to interfere with your life, but you seem to be very aware of when this occurs. Overall, it just sounds like you just really want him to be well and stay well, which is not such an unreasonable thing to want for a loved one! 

You're certainly right in hoping that his medication should reduce the frequency of his lows, but that may be assuming that things in life are stable and he isn't experiencing other sources of stress. Unfortunately, medications can do little to treat a stressful situation, such as physical health issues, and it sounds like these have been quite trying at the moment, leading to trouble sleeping, which have likely sent things a bit out of balance...

Hopefully he can get back on his feet soon! 

supernova.

[NikNik]

Hi @Bluebird15 - just wondering how things are travelling heading into Christmas?

[Bluebird15]

Hi @NikNik,
It's so kind of you to check up on me.
Honestly, I can say that as of this past week - it's been a nice lead up to Xmas. My brother's depression , seems to reappear very frequently, at least they are followed by a brighter few days. However, it's like living on tenterhooks- we never know what's happening day to day. Emotionally draining .
The family meet ups lately and my phone calls to him have been very positive at least so thankfully we have those in between the darkness.
I really appreciate your checking in with me, it does feel nice and is a comfort.
Happy Christmas and warmest wishes for a lovely holiday season.
BB

[Bluebird15]

Hi Supernova,
Thanks so much for your reply. I apologise it's taken me so long to respond.
You've hit the nail on the head, that's all I want, for all his suffering to go away and for him to enjoy his life ( just like all of us wish for our loved ones).
It has been suggested to me that I try and use an imaginary 'off switch' and compartmentalise. Boy, that is going to take some practice but I do see the advantage of this strategy.
Thanks also for shedding some light on how meds work and physical illness can affect how they work...

It was so kind of you to respond. It feels good to put these concerns out there and to know there are people listening.

Best wishes to you for Christmas & thank you.
BB

[Shaz51]

Hello @Bluebird15

I've been told to lower my expectations of his mood, as in I should try not to pin all my high hopes on how his behaviour will be say on a family get together or meet up or Christmas.

With you comments above , I have had to do this , my Husband has MI and I have had to ring up at the last minute and say we can`t come, sunday will be a big day for my husband , and with his dad passing away this year and we are going to spend some time with his mum

I will just have to be ready when he says he wants to go home or he is not going

If I am on the wrong track , please let me know xx

[Bluebird15]

Hi there,
Sounds like we are in the same boat then.
Well, I really need to work on this 'lowering of expectation' thing. My brother was in a really good head space only just yesterday and last night- now have had word that, again, not so good 😞 Why now? Why on Xmas eve? Why possibly on Xmas?? I wonder why I should expect why 'not'.... The disappointment is so draining.
Wishing you and your husband the very best tomorrow. Sounds like he's had a rough time with his father's passing . Good luck & Look after yourself too x

[Former-Member]

hello @Bluebird15

lovely to see how much you care for your brother's illness.

i know that he would be very appreciative and love you very much. he might not express this.

mental illness has a mind of its own.

christmas is a double edged sword. all of the hype leading up to the one day is overwhelming for people who dont even have a mental illness ofsome kind. he also will be aware as you will be of the absence of a loved one. his emotions will seem extreme in comparison to other family members.

 i am often an absolute mess in the last couple of weeks leading up to it. i am aware of that so, try many different distractions. music is a huge blessing for me. i listen to it very loudly.

does he like music, has he got earphones where if he is feeling anxious he can zone out and listen to music he loves. not all the time of course. i dont want to create another issue.

there is also an expectation on him to be well on that day which will be playing on his mind. he will see all of your reactions and how happy you respond when he is well. he will also notice the quiet times when you notice his illness is back.

This is the achilles heel unfortunately. You are all human.

Sounds like you all as a family need to come up with a strategy, contingency plan because you might not get much notice, the plan needs to be how you will better cope, acknowledge and accept this is an illness not a tantrum. he does not want it to happen.

communication is vital but needs to be thought through.

for this year, be gentle  with him, if he wants space, let him have it, tell him that you need to know that he is ok, and that you will just check on him every now and again if that is alright with him. it is ok for him to allow his feelings to be there. assure him that noone in the family is judging him, everyoneloves him, they might not understand, but that is only because they dont have the illness themselves. regardless they love him the same . he is still an important member of the family. no less no more than any other member.

are you a member of the carers association in your state. i am assuming that you are a carer. they are invaluable in giving you strategies for looking after you. Their help is for you. your brother has his help from his specialist.

I have suffered major depression and anxiety for many many years and now have an adult son who is in denial of his diagnosis. he has left the state and has stopped all contact with me.

i am using my own strategies and distractions to get through the day. we have 3 different places to go to and only my husband, mum , sister and my other son know.cherish the day loving your family, each as they are, gentle steps.    smile and breathe xxxx

[Shaz51]

Hello @Bluebird15

How did today go my friend xx

by  'lowering of expectation' thing, Like I am expecting it to go wrong on the day , that we will have to come back home , sometimes it surprises me when things turn out just ok on the day

sometimes it does not work, I have made mistakes where I have said something the night before or that morning